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Eros:Confessions and Expreiences
by Edith Cadivec
The Meaning of My Life
Me & Kurt
When I was fourteen years old, a cousin of the same age visited our house during vacation time. He was tall and very handsome, and in him I had a welcome playmate. My mother was very fond of him and kissed and fondled him frequently. I soon noticed that when she kissed him she stroked and pinched his butt at the same time, and that the boy on such occasions clung very closely to her.
In the evening, when my sisters and I went to bed at nine o'clock, she always accompanied him to his room. Kurt, my cousin, later told me that his aunt remained in the room until he lay in bed wholly undressed. Then playfully she kissed his naked bottom and gently slapped it.
Yet this was not my mother's only aim. She earnestly wanted to birch her nephew. It goes without saying that she finally found a pretext, whereby I was also guilty. One day as we were playing Kurt threw the ball through a window. I was his play partner and I had incited him to do it. Enraged, Mother called us into the room where she waited for our arrival with her cat-o'-nine-tails. On this day I witnessed my handsome cousin being flogged on his naked behind by my mother. This was my undoing. If I say this, it is also certainly true, even though my earlier experiences had already made their contribution. It was the first time that I became distinctly conscious of the sensations that swept over me when I saw this fourteen-year-old boy with his pants pulled down and buttocks exposed, confused with shame and fear, awaiting punishment.
>My mother pulled Kurt toward her and forced him to bend over her knee. Her severe words sounded almost like verbal caresses and my cousin's flattering pleas for forgiveness were exceedingly exciting, sensually. I floated on the surface of hitherto unknown oceans of bliss, and I did not understand what was happening to me.
When Mother began to flog the boy's bottom, the buttocks surged like waves before my eyes, turning and twisting in enigmatic movements, expanding and contracting, dancing and leaping crazily under the cracking blows of the whip. Kurt pressed his belly very close against Mother's knee in a backward and forward motion, and his plaintive cry sounded like a voluptuous moan ... I felt the sensual stimulus powerfully in my private parts. I felt the pulse beat of my raging blood hammering in my vulva. I felt close to fainting and almost threatened to sink to the floor, overpowered by the excitement.
Finally the flogging of my cousin came to an end and Mother called me to her side. I took a few tottering steps in her direction and noticed a big wet spot on her clothing, which stemmed from Kurt; crying with pleasure, I threw myself over her lap. I felt the abyss of my sensuality opening up and I surrendered myself as prey to my sensations.
Without pulling up his trousers, Kurt came to my mother's assistance. He grabbed me firmly by the wrists and brutally shoved his knee against the nape of my neck in order to force my face toward the floor. My clothes were pulled up, but my mother's nervous hands did not find the buttons of my bloomers right away.
The preparations seemed endless. Mother, my cousin, and I lost consciousness of our surroundings. The frenzy of the flogging gripped the three of us and transported us to a state of rapturous bliss.
As though hypnotized, I remained breathless, without moving. All I could do was to tremble helplessly in frenzied excitement. Suddenly like a lightning flash, I felt the cool air blowing on my naked bottom. My smooth buttocks quivered with a pleasurable sensation and pressed convulsively against each other. The first blow smacked against the tightly drawn arches of my backside with an unheard-of force. Defenceless, I opened my mouth to scream, but Kurt drowned my wail under his weight. The subsequent blows fell like hailstones on my squirming and twisting backside, which helplessly surrendered to its tormentors.
About twenty blows rained on my burning buttocks without letup, in a rising tempo. My head was clamped between my cousin's knees, my body rocked back and forth on the lap of my rod-wielding mother, without the possibility of finding a balance. The reciprocal engagement between the biting leather thong and my glowing buttocks seemed never to end.
At times, under an especially strong blow, I became limp, my muscular tension relaxed. I spread my legs far apart. My knees lost their stiffness and I pressed my vulva in wild excitement against Mother's knee. Moaning, I yielded myself completely to the pricking hail of blows. I rocked and raised my backside up and down until in a final thrust against her knee I stiffened my whole body anew and strained every nerve in order to receive the last blows in the wildest orgasm of pleasure.
My bottom burned like fire, but I no longer distinguished between pleasure and pain. I felt only the mad sexual excitement that grew from second to second into the incommensurable. I heard my mother breathe heavily, and my own heart was heating as if it would burst. Finally, in a moment of unendurable tension my mother left off flogging me and I reached the peak of sexual ecstasy in the clamp formed by my cousin's knee.
I sank into a state suffused by a feeling of absolute eternity. I don't know how long it was before I came to normal consciousness, I did not breathe, I lay there bathed in perspiration, everything reeling around me. Slowly the magic spell waned. I slid down from my mother's knees and left the room with a tottering step. I staggered forth and threw myself drunkenly on my bed. I remained in the same position all night, motionless, without taking a breath. My consciousness was in a state of total dissolution and thrills of delight rolled over me like huge, heaving waves.
In the middle of the night walking in my sleep, I crept into my cousin's room and wordlessly laid myself alongside him in bed. He, too, was lying sleepless and dreaming blissful dreams in a waking state. He clamped his arms around me and whispered the revelations and sensual experiences of his fourteen years into my ear. He told me undreamed-of things about love and voluptuousness as his hand played with my sex, producing the very pleasures of which he spoke. He also guided my hand to his stiffened member and taught me the caresses that gave him pleasure. His warm flow of semen spurted in fits and starts over my fingers and I remained rigid with excitement. I remembered the moist spot on my mother's clothing after Kurt's punishment, the explanation of the occurrence was obvious. Pleasure racked both our bodies in the torrential flood of the orgasm.
We were bound together by secrecy after that experience. Kurt had a hidden penchant for cruelty and he took a mystic joy in practicing physical tortures. He inflicted them on himself before my very eyes and described the pleasure that he experienced in so doing. In order to feel this painful pleasure continuously, he had dreamed up the idea of trimming his trousers with pins that would penetrate into his flesh with every movement that he made. He loved fanatically to be birched on his naked bottom by my mother or to watch corporal punishment being dealt out to others. Without indulging in ambiguous thoughts or reveries, he sought only the sensation of pain, which alone brought him to the thrill of pleasure.
When we were alone, he invented bizarre and dangerous exercises, during which he spilled his semen before my eyes. He subjected his body to the weirdest tests and at the same time he tried his best to hurt me by devising all possible tortures. He stuck pins in my bottom, or dug deeply into my flesh with his sharp fingernails, while he himself for hours endured the strange puzzling torture of feeling his penis and testicles tightly bound with string to his body. For him it was a pleasure to suffer and to make others suffer.
My heart was seized with a feeling of physical love for the boy who was of the same age as myself. I perceived that there was no contradiction between pleasure and cruelty, but that both were fused into one, like body and soul.