caresses preface caresses chapter 1 caresses chapter 2 caresses  chapter 3 caresses chapter 4 caresses chapter 5 caresses chapter 6 caresses chapter 7 caresses chapter 8 caresses chapter caresses chapter 10 caresses chapter 11 caresses chapter 12 caresses chapter 13 caresses chapter 14 caresses chapter 15 caresses chapter 16 caresses chapter 17 caresses chapter 18 caresses chapter 19 caresses chapter 20 caresses chapter 21 caresses chapter 22 caresses chapter 23 caresses chapter 24 caresses chapter 25 caresses chapter 26

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caresses intimate memoirs of Jaqueline de R

Caresses


The Intimate Memoirs of Jaqueline de R

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

The coach arrives very early in the morning on the main street of the little village of Rondelles, a few miles from our castle.

Even earlier my dear Francois departs in our coach, and I did not have the courage to accompany him to the village because I did not choose to show the unbearable pain from which I suffered. It took all my will power to keep back a flood of tears.

Now that our separation had become a fact, I wanted it to be over quickly. I know it is unusual, but I want to avoid prolonging the misery which made it almost impossible for me to remain calm and collected. I knew that I could not stand a drawn out farewell.

Ooh! How terrible it was. Since my aunt and all our servants were there, I could not even kiss my poor Francois the way I had wanted to. He controlled his feelings stoically and concerned himself mainly with his luggage. He took his leave of my aunt very ceremoniously and barely touched my forehead with his lips as is expected from a teacher who says goodbye to his pupil. I began to shake and tremble, and needed all my strength not to cry out my misery when my lover got into the coach and the coachman laid his whip over the horses.

I was in a hurry to be alone so that I could cry uninterrupted. I ran up to my room from which I could overlook the road into the village and red-eyed I stared at the carriage till it had become a mere point in the distance, taking my love, my joy, and my very life with it.

I rubbed my eyes, fell down upon my bed and gave myself completely to my total desperation.

During lunch I was unable to eat a single bite. I fled into my study, threw myself upon the sofa and cried bitter tears. It seemed to me that the stern faces of my ancestors on the wall were leering at me. I buried my face in the pillows and cried, and cried.

During dinner, too, I did not touch a bite. Despite my aunt's good intentions—she was trying to lift my spirits with some inane story—my misery only grew. This was the time that Francois and I used to take our stroll in the park.

I wandered lonely and forlorn through the lanes, remembering the many exciting moments we had spent behind the various bushes. Leda and all the other marble nymphs and fauns were witness to my despair. I went into the bushes, the places of our sweet pastimes. I threw myself upon the ground, rolled in the soft grass, sobbing and biting my handkerchief.

My dear aunt had become worried and instructed the servants to look for me. I went to my room and tried to sleep. The next day I contracted a terrible fever and had to stay in bed for a week.

I was inconsolable and I wanted to die.

I made my misery worse than it was on purpose, because I believed that by doing so I could prove to myself that I could remain true to my lover. My aunt took wonderful care of me, and thanks to her ministrations I was saved from physical illness. But the deep wound that had torn my heart did not heal.

As soon as the weakness which was caused by my immeasurable misery was over, another illness began to gnaw on me. It was the lack of caresses and kisses to which I had become accustomed. This pain took on an entirely different form. The physical symptoms were stronger than the spiritual ones. I made a curious discovery which, at first, I tried to fight. But it was stronger than my will power; the desire cured me from my love which I slowly forgot, giving myself to the joys of the lonely.

This is how I discovered that my lascivious-ness and lust were stronger than all my other feelings put together. Time and absence did their duty; I slowly forgot Francois and could only think about who or what could become a substitute for him. The desires of my body were stronger than the wishes of my soul. I wanted daily satisfaction.

* * *

Eros watches over his children, or a lucky coincidence smiles upon those who desire nothing but love.

I found that out for the first time when I became tired of masturbating and playing with myself. I was looking around for some possibility which could give me stronger and better joys.

One day, I was resting upon the grass, hidden by a thicket, daydreaming over the contents of a frivolous book, trying desperately to allow my imagination to give me what my own fingers no longer could do. I had finished one particularly exciting story, and I was about to get up, when I spotted the son of one of our farmers who daily went into the castle to deliver milk, butter and cheese.

He was a strong, healthy boy, about eighteen years old. I never really had noticed him before. He always greeted me very respectfully and I usually reciprocated condescendingly. But I had never really taken any notice of him. Why should I look at him so closely today? I really do not know.

Jerome, dressed in a simple peasant blouse and shorts, came closer, carrying his milk and cheese. He could not possibly have seen me, since I remained motionless in the bushes, and the grass patch where I was hiding was invisible from the lane where he was walking.

Jerome was very close to the bushes where I was hiding, when he suddenly put down his basket and milk jar. He pulled up his blouse and unbuttoned his fly.

I did not dare to breathe; I could see his profile, and it was obvious that he was about to perform a natural function. And without being seen, I could clearly observe him wetting the tree-trunk.

At the sight of it I shuddered with lust. The desire was so strong that I suddenly got up, pushed aside the twigs of the thicket, and was suddenly standing before Jerome. My sudden appearance scared him so greatly that he forgot to put back his thing.

“Jerome,†I said to him, “don't be afraid. Take your basket and your milk and hurry to the castle. Then return here to show me that beautiful tool again which, I am sure, you don't know how to use properly!â€

I petted the thing, and Jerome caused it to disappear quickly. He stammered some unconnected words without meaning but I recognized from the way he blushed, from the sudden glint in his eyes, and especially from the enormous bulge, that he had understood my desire. And it was obvious that a similar desire had come up in his mind, and that he was more than willing to take me up on my kind offer.

“Hurry! Hurry!†I said to him. “Come back to me quickly!â€

The boy disappeared, and I laid myself down upon the grass. I lifted my skirts and took off my panties to give him a reception upon his return which would excite him and cause him to play the game which would satisfy my senses and put out the fire which was threatening to devour me. My new-found acquaintance had only fanned the flames, and I was determined to do something about it.