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The Boudoir
A Magazine of Scandal,
Facetiae, &c.



The Boudoir
No. l.


THE THREE CHUMS:
A TALE OF
LONDON EVERYDAY LIFE
CHAPTER I
The Young Man from the Country
Charles Warner, the son of a wealthy squire who owned a
large estate in the Midlands, had just arrived in town, and
taken up his apartments in Gower Street, for the purpose of
becoming a medical student, as of course being only a younger
son, and the freehold property all entailed, his jolly parent
could think of nothing better in which his sharpest boy, as
he called Charlie, would be so likely to make his way in
the world.
"Be a good lad, Charlie; stick to your profession, and I'll
set you up with ten thousand when you marry a girl with some
tin; that's the only thing a younger son can do. Should I
die before that it's left you in my will. Your allowance is
£300 a year, to be £500 when you come of age; but mind,
if you disgrace me or get into debt, I will turn you adrift
without a penny, or pay your passage to Australia to get
rid of you. My boy," he finally added, a tear in his eye and
a slight quiver of the lip, as he said tremulously, "you have
always been a favourite; your old dad reckons on you to
keep away from the girls and bad companions."
He was thinking over these last parting words of his father
as he sat by the fireside after tea awaiting the call of his two
cousins, Harry and Frank Mortimer, who had written to say
they would call to take him out, and see how he liked the
rooms they had found for him.
He presently rang the bell to have the table cleared, and
a remarkably pretty maid servant answered his summons.
1


"And what is your name? As I am going to live in the house
and should like to know how to call you. I'm so glad Mrs.
Letsam has a pretty girl to attend on the lodgers."
"Fanny, Sir," replied the girl, blushing up to her eyes. "I
have to wait on all the gentlemen, and a hard time I have of
it running up and down stairs all day long."
"Well," said Charlie, "I shan't ring for you more than I can
help, although it is not at all strange if some of them trouble
you so often, if only for the pleasure of seeing a pretty face.
I suppose it isn't proper here in London to kiss the servants,
although I often did at home; the girls were older than me,
and had been used to it for a long time."
"La, no Sir, you mustn't, indeed you mustn't, if Mrs. Letsam
knew it she would turn me out of the house in a moment,"
exclaimed Fanny, in a subdued tone, as if afraid of being heard,
as she turned her face away from his unexpected salute.
"You mean to say you mind a kiss from a boy like me?
What harm is there?"
"I—I don't know; I can't say," stammered Fanny. "But it's
so different from those old fellows downstairs, who always
give me half a crown after, not to tell." Here she blushed
tremendously. "I —I didn't mean, Sir, that I want to be paid,
but that you are so different than them; they're old and ugly,
and you — "
She could not say any more, for Charlie pressed his lips
to her rosy mouth, saying, "Well then, give me a kiss for
forgiveness. If you only keep good friends, and look after
my small wants, I shall buy you ribbons and little things of
that sort, so that you can think of me when you wear them."
His only answer was a very curious look as she returned
his kiss; then slipping away took up her tray and was gone.
"I'm in luck," soliloquised Charlie. "Dad may lecture me
to keep away from the girls. Polly and Sukey at home didn't
kiss me for nothing; the sight of this pretty Fanny and the
thoughts of last night when they had me between them for the
last time, makes me feel quite so-so. In fact that girl has
given me the Irish toothache; it was all very well for dear old
dad to caution me, but they say like breeds like, and I know
2


he got a girl with twins before he was eighteen, and had to
be sent away from home to get out of the scrape/'
Here there was a tap at the door of his room.
"Come in, my boys; I know who it must be," shouted
Charlie, expecting his cousins, but to his surprise Mdlle.
Fanny re-enters.
'If you please, Sir, there's two young gentlemen for
Mr. Warner, they have sent up their card."
"Where is it, Fanny?" asked Charlie, holding out his hand
for the bit of pasteboard.
"Well, I am pleased, they've come early," he said, catch-
ing her by the wrist, "and especially as it gives me the chance
of another kiss!"
"For shame, Sir; you'll keep them waiting in the hall," as
she struggled to get away from his encircling arm.
"Just a moment, Fanny, I want to say to you they are my
cousins, who will often come here, and are much better
looking than me, so don't you make me jealous by taking
any notice of either of them. Now, ask them up, quick, please;
then run for a bottle of fizz, and keep the change for your-
self," he said, handing her a sovereign. "We must wet the
apartments the first time they call."
It is not necessary to refer to all the greetings and enquiries
of the cousins when they first met; but presently, when the
champagne was opened, Harry and Frank asked if Charlie
was too tired to go out for the evening, saying, "You need
not come back here to sleep, but turn in with us, as you know
the governor will be so pleased to see you at breakfast in
the morning. We know three jolly sisters ■—little milliners —
who work in Oxford Street, such spooney girls, and as three
to two is sometimes awkward you will just make the party
complete; they live in Store Street, close by, and if we call
about nine o'clock they will be expecting us, and glad to
see you; it is awfully jolly, and not too expensive, we only
have to stand supper. The girls think too much of themselves
to take money, although nothing else comes amiss from
jewellery to dresses. Nothing coarse, no bad language, and
they only permit liberties when the gas is turned out."
3


"I'm with you," replied their cousin; "and what do you
think of the little servant here?"
"Charlie, you ought to be in luck there," answered Harry,
"it's so convenient to have a nice little servant to sleep with
sometimes, or now and then to let off the steam with her on
the sofa, it keeps you from going out too much. My advice,
Charlie, is not to live too fast, save your money for a good
spree —say every ten days or so. Your racketty ones don't
get on half so well with their governors, who are always
grumbling. Now our dad thinks us quite good, never out after
half-past eleven or so; but we make up for it with the serv-
ants at home, and keep the housekeeper square, by taking
turns to poke her on the sly. She once caught us both in the
girls' bedroom, but we went into hers to beg her not to tell,
and what with kissing and telling her what a fine figure she
was (she was half undressed when she came to see after the
servants) that we took first one little liberty then another,
till seeing she was on the job I ran out and left Frank to roll
her on the bed, which he must have done to some purpose,
for she kept him all night."
"Ah, Charlie, I never thought a woman of fifty could be
so good at the game; how she threw her legs over my but-
tocks, and heaved up to meet every push of John Thomas;
she was a perfect sea of lubricity, and drained me dry enough
before morning," added Frank, in corroboration of his
brother's assertion. "You must try her for yourself, a fair
lad will be a treat to her after us two dark fellows, and there's
no fear of having to pay for kids with her, as she is past the
time of life, but I believe all really warm-constitutioned
women get hotter the older they are. We use French letters
for safety with the slaveys, or we should soon do their busi-
ness, they want so much of it when we get in their room, or
they slip into ours for a drop of brandy and a 'bit of that,'
as they call it; there's nothing like good brandy to put you
up to the work, but never drink gin, my boy, or your affair
won't stand for some hours, it has such a lowering effect."
A couple of hours of similar conversation soon slipped
away, and then going round to Store Street Charlie was
introduced to the sirens his cousins had spoken of.
4


CHAPTER II
Three Pretty Milliners
"My cousin, Charlie Warner, just from the country to become
a medical student. Miss Bessie, Annie, and Rosa Robinson,
three as pretty and lovely little milliners as you ever saw or
will see again," said Harry, making the introduction as they
entered.
The brothers kissed all three girls, and as it seemed the
correct thing Charlie was not slow to follow their example,
beginning with Rosa, the youngest, a fair, golden-haired,
little beauty of seventeen; then Annie, with her light brown
hair and hazel eyes, and finishing with Miss Bessie, a twenty-
year-old darling, with dark auburn hair, and such a pair of
glancing eyes as would almost ravish the soul of any soft-
hearted youth who had not a stronger mind than our young
hero, who looked on all girls as playthings rather than as
being worthy of serious love.
"What a pretty supper the confectioners have sent in for
you —fowls, tongue, and champagne —it made us rather
expect something unusual, and we are so pleased to see Mr.
Warner; besides you know there is no jealousy here, and
his fair face is a delightful contrast to you two rather dark
gentlemen," said Annie, adding, "and you, Frank, are my
partner for the evening, as Harry was my cavalier last time;
and I'm so glad there's Mr. Warner for Rosa, although
Bessie and I shall feel rather jealous about it, we can wait
for our turns another day."
"This is the jolliest place I know of," said Harry, handing
Bessie to her seat at the table; "everything ready to hand,
and nothing cleared away till we are gone; no flunkeys or
parlourmaids to wait on us or listen to every word, and we
can do as we like."
"Not exactly, Sir," put in Annie, "even when the light
is out you must behave yourselves."
"We have a little longer this evening for our dark seance,"
said Frank; "we are taking Charlie to the theatre, and to
Scott's for supper, so they don't expect us till half past
5


twelve or so, and the housekeeper will sit up for her re-
ward, won't she, Harry?"
"What's that," pouted Rosa, giving a sly look; "oh, those
two boys are dreadful, just as if they would want any more
of 'that' when they got home."
"Oh, she never tells tales, so we kiss her," answered
Frank.
"Tell that to your grandmother. As if you could kiss
without taking other liberties, Sir," said Annie.
This kind of badinage lasted all supper time, but Charlie
pledged the sisters one after the other so as not to show
any marked preference, still at the same time in a quiet
sort of way he tried all he could to make himself particularly
agreeable to Rosa, who evidently was rather taken with him.
"It's so nice to have you to myself," she said archly, as the
supper had come to an end, "but mind you are not too
naughty when they turn out the gas."
Something in her deep blue eyes and look so fired his
feelings that taking her unresisting hand under the table
he placed it on his thigh, just over the most sensitive member
of the male organisation, and was at once rewarded by the
gentle pressures of her fingers, which assured him she quite
understood the delicate attention. The others were too
absorbed in some similar manipulation to notice Charlie and
Rosa, as he adroitly unfastened about three buttons of his
trousers, and directing her hand to the place, and presently
felt she had quite grasped the naked truth, which fluttered
under the delicious fingering in such a way that very few
motions of her delicate hand brought on such an ecstatic
flood of bliss as quite to astonish Miss Rosa, and necessitate
the sly application of a mouchoir to her slimy fingers, as at
the same time she crimsoned to the roots of her hair, and
looked quite confused, whilst he could feel that a perceptible
tremor shot through her whole frame. Fortunately just at
that moment Bessie turned off the gas, and instinctively
the lips of Charlie and Rosa met in a long impassioned kiss.
Tongue to tongue they revelled in a blissful osculation.
He could hear a slight shuffling, and one or two deep-
drawn sighs, as if the ladies felt rather agitated.
6


There was a convenient sofa in a recess just behind Char-
lie's chair, and Rosa seemed to understand him so well that
he effected a strategic movement to the more commodious
seat under cover of the darkness. There he had the delight-
ful girl close to his side, with his right arm round her waist,
whilst his left hand found no resistance in its voyage of
discovery under her clothes. What mossy treasures his fingers
searched out, whilst for her part one arm was round his
neck, and the warm touches of her right hand amply repaid
his Cytherian investigations in the regions of bliss. His fiery
kisses roved from her lips all over her face and neck, till by
a little manoeuvring he managed to take possession of the
heaving globes of her bosom. How she shuddered with
ecstasy as his lips drew in one of her nipples, and gently
sucked the delicious morsel; a very few moments of this
exciting dalliance was too much for her. She sank back on the
couch, so that he naturally took his proper position, and in
almost less time than it takes to write it, the last act of love
was an accomplished fact.
Then followed delicious kissings and toyings; no part of
her person was neglected, and when, as a finale, she sur-
rendered the moist, dewy lips of the grotto of love itself
to his warm tonguings, the excess of voluptuous emotion
so overcame her that she almost screamed with delight,
when the crisis came again and again in that rapid succession
only possible with girls of her age.
They had been too well occupied to hear or notice anything
about Bessie and Annie with their partners, but now an almost
perfect silence prevailed in the apartment, till presently
Harry spoke out, saying, "I think the spirits have had long
enough to amuse themselves; what do you say to a light?"
This was agreed to, and they spent another half hour with
the ladies before taking leave of them for the night. It was
as curious a feast of love as Charlie could possibly have
imagined, and he was quite puzzled to make out what manner
of girls these three sisters could be who bashfully objected
to a light on their actions, and yet were as free with their
partners as any of the mercenary members of the demi-
monde could have been.
7


"What a darling you are!" whispered Rosa to Charlie as
he took a parting kiss, "but I shan't have you next time
unless there is an undress romp in the dark."
Bessie pressed them to come to an early tea on Sunday,
and have a long evening, when they would arrange some
pretty game to amuse them. This was agreed to with many
sweet kisses and au revolt, Sec.
CHAPTER III
Mrs. Lovejoy and the Servants
in Bloomsbury Square
It was nearly one a.m. when the boys got home to the Mor-
timer mansion in Bloomsbury Square.
"How late you are," said Mrs. Lovejoy, the housekeeper,
opening the door to them, "and you have brought Master
Charlie with you. I'm so glad to see him; your father has gone
to bed hours ago, and I thought you would like a second
course after your oyster supper at Scott's, so there's a little
spread in my own room upstairs, only we mustn't keep it
up too late."
"You're a brick," said Harry, "we'll go upstairs so quietly
past dad's door, and kiss you when we see what you have
got for us/'
Mr. Mortimer pere being a rather stout gentleman, who
objected to many stairs, had his bedroom on the first floor;
Harry and Frank's room was on the next flight, where their
sisters also had their rooms when at home from school; the
two servants and Mrs. Lovejoy located above them.
"There's my kiss," said Frank, as on entering Mrs. Love-
joy's cosy room he saw a game pie and bottle of Burgundy
set out for their refreshment.
Harry and Charlie also in turn embraced the amorous
housekeeper, who fairly shivered with emotion as she met
the luscious kiss of the latter.
"He's only going to stay this one night, so it's no good tak-
ing a fancy to my cousin; besides, can't you be content with
Frank and myself?" whispered Harry to her.
"But you are such unfaithful boys, and prefer Mary Anne
or Maria to me at any time," she replied, pettishly.
8


"Yes, and Charlie is no better; he hasn't been in London
one whole day yet without making up to the pretty Fanny at
his lodgings; oh, she's a regular little fizzer, Mrs. Lovejoy."
The second supper was soon discussed, and Mrs. Lovejoy
had placed hot water and spirits on the table just for them to
take a night-cap as she called it, when there was a gentle tap
at the room door, and a suppressed titter outside.
Harry, guessing who it was, called out "come in," when
the two servant girls with broad grins on their faces walked
into the room, only half dressed— in petticoats, stockings,
and slippers, with necks and bosoms bare.
On perceiving Charlie they blushed scarlet, but Mary
Anne, a regular bouncing brunette, immediately recovered
her presence of mind, and said, "We beg your pardon, Mrs.
Lovejoy, but we thought only Master Harry and his brother
were here, and felt so thirsty we couldn't sleep, so ventured
to beg a little something to cool our throats."
"Well make a party of it now," said Frank; "this is only
our cousin Charlie, so don't be bashful but come in and shut
the door."
"Gentlemen don't generally admit ladies, especially when
only half dressed, as we are," said Maria, a very pretty and
finely developed young woman, with light brown hair, rosy
cheeks, and such a pair of deep blue eyes, full of mischief,
as they looked one through.
"No, but ladies admit gentlemen," put in Charlie; "don't
mind me," getting up from his chair and drawing the last
speaker onto his lap. "I guess we're in for some fun now."
The housekeeper looked awfully annoyed at this intrusion,
but Harry laughingly kissed her, and whispered something
which seemed to have a soothing effect, as she at once
offered the two girls some lemonade and brandy. Hers was
a very comfortable apartment, being furnished the same as
a bachelor's bed and sitting room combined; the bed was in
a recess, and there were two easy chairs besides a sofa,
table, &c, in the room.
Harry secured the sofa, where he sat with Mrs. Lovejoy
on his lap, and one of his hands inside the bosom of her
dressing gown, whilst her hands, at least one of them, were
9


God knows where, and very evidently gave him considerable
pleasure3 to judge by the sparkle of his eyes, and the way he
caressed her, as well as the frequent kisses they inter-
changed.
Charlie was admiring and playing with the bosom of Maria,
who kissed him warmly every now and then, giving the most
unequivocal signs of her rising desires for closer acquaintance.
"We shall never be fit to get up in the morning if you keep
us out of bed; let the girls go now," said Mrs. Lovejoy.
Each said "good night," and Harry, having something to
say to the housekeeper, stayed behind. Frank and Mary
Anne quickly vanished in the gloom of the outside corridor,
and Charlie, at a loss where he was to sleep, asked Maria
to show him to his room.
"You'll sleep with me, dear, if you can, and I won't keep
you awake," she whispered, giving him a most luscious kiss;
then taking his hand she led him into a very clean but plainly
furnished bedroom.
"Mary Anne won't be back tonight, so you shall be my
bedfellow. I guess by this time Master Frank is being let
into all her secrets," saying which she extinguished the candle,
which had been left burning, and jumped into bed, Charlie
following as quickly as he could get his things off.
"I've got a syringe, so I'm not afraid, although Harry and
Frank will always put on those French letters. Do you think
they're nice?" asked Maria, as she threw her arms around
him, and drew him close to her palpitating bosom.
"Never used such a thing in my life," replied Charlie, "for
my part anything of that sort spoils all the fun."
"Do you know," continued Maria, "Mary Anne and I lay
thinking, talking, and cuddling one another, in fact we were
so excited she proposed a game of what girls call flat c —-,
when we heard Mrs. Lovejoy take you to her room, and we
made up our minds she should not have both Harry and
Frank to herself, never thinking there was anyone else; and
to think I have got such a darling as you!"
(Con tin Med on page 45)
10


THE DISEMBODIED SPIRIT
I next found myself incarcerated in a beautifully fashioned
sofa or couch, carved, ornamented, and made in the very
extreme of oriental luxuriance; I was placed in a room in
every respect worthy of my grandeur, and was meditating as
to who was the occupant of this lovely retreat when the
door opened, and a young Syrian girl entered. She was beauti-
ful as an earthly Venus, with eyes large, dark, and dreamily
voluptuous, in whose depths love had evidently as yet found
no place. She was clothed in some sort of light, flimsy garment,
showing the charming curves and undulations of her lovely
form. She placed herself upon me, and gave herself up to her
thoughts; these could not, I imagined, be of love, for she was
evidently not yet fourteen, although (like all women of our
sunny shores) fully developed.
After some time the noonday heat seemed to make her
languid and drowsy. She disposed herself upon my luxurious
cushions, and was soon asleep. Although but a spirit without
tangible form, I had retained all the passions and feelings I
possessed during life, so that the aspect and appearance of
my lovely occupant gave rise to certain thoughts and feelings
prompted by her beauty. I disposed of myself in the best
position to see the still concealed beauties of my earthly
mistress. For this purpose I first placed myself near the
corner of the couch where her head reclined; here I could
inhale the sweets of her delicious breath, and here I could also
catch glimpses of part of her lovely breasts, as they rose and
fell in the calm undulations of innocent sleep, rendered more
and more excited by the partial view thus obtained, I longed
for a more complete sight of these rounded globes; and
whether it was that Minos took pity on my tantalizing position,
or whether it was the result of mere accident, certain it is
that she suddenly awoke, and, seeming to be oppressed with
the heat, sat up and, quickly opening her robe down to the
waist, fell back again upon me and slept.
11


Ye Gods! what a maddening sight now met my enamoured
eyes as they feasted with insatiable delight upon the sea of
beauties thus given to my view. Her rounded, softly moulded
chin gradually merging into the white column of her neck,
the last gradually swelling until it ended in two round, swell-
ing breasts parted between, and crowned each with a delicious
pink bud, their very colour (a dusky brown) but added to
my delight. What tides of ecstasy thrilled through my mad-
dened spirit as I wandered unrestrained over their soft
expanse, as they swelled to meet my frantic pressure, unfelt,
of course, by her.
I prayed in a delirium that through some mysterious power
she should feel my presence and respond to my efforts, as
I fastened upon her lovely mouth, and sucked in her fragrant
breath; as if in answer to my prayer her face suddenly flushed,
and her breasts began to heave with innocent dreams (as I
thought) of till then unknown bliss. With what joy I saw her
whole form as it were dissolve in ecstasy. Her sleepy
efforts to respond to my fond pressures had somewhat
disordered her dress, and I now perceived it had fallen from
her limbs. I immediately flew to the other end of the couch,
and if I was excited before what must now have been my feel-
ings when I saw her most secret beauties revealed in all their
maddening luxuriance; her legs had opened wide, and as I
gazed my eyes dwelt on each softly rounded limb from ta-
pered ankle to glowing thigh; her hand, meantime prompted
perhaps by some incident of her dream, wandered down
till it rested between her quivering thighs, and unconsciously
played with the short, silky, curling hair that covered that
lovely spot. Excited or tittled with this unusual occupation,
a pair of scarlet pouting lips opened, whilst the soft mound
above thrilled as if longing for some unknown pleasure. At
last she seemed to have reached the bliss she dreamt of. Her
whole body heaved upwards as if to meet some responding
pressure, whilst her breasts rose high and panted with the
exquisite ecstasy of love's enjoyment. At last, unable to bear
the unusual pleasure, she awoke, her cheeks flushing, and
her eyes half closed in languor, still disordered with the
effect of her dream.
12


After some moments she arose, and going to the door
it was opened and a young Greek of about her own age
entered. He was of faultless beauty of face and form. She
flew to me again and arranged her disordered dress, whilst
he, with eyes cast down, approached her with a humble
apology for this intrusion. She angrily reproached him for
the outrage upon her modesty, whilst Daphnis, with the deep-
est respect remonstrated with her for thus treating her
betrothed husband with so much harshness. Somewhat
softened with his respectful behaviour she relented, and,
upon his promising to take no advantage of her undefended
position, consented to his remaining. Overjoyed at her un-
usual and unexpected compliance, he immediately forgot all
his former bashfulness, and throwing his arms around her
snatched a kiss; this seemed to remind her of her dream.
Her eyes again began to show a soft and melting languor,
and although she apparently resisted his kisses, nevertheless
she wished him to persist, at least she consented so far as to
put one arm coyly round his neck, and now returned his kisses
with responsive ardour, her feelings getting more and more
beyond her control. Daphnis, seeing her bosom swelling
with the excitement of his fond pressures, whispered softly
a wish to see that lovely retreat of joys. To this she returned
an indignant denial, but when her lover explained how
innocent was his wish, that the married ladies of Resai ex-
posed more than half their breasts to the ga2e of strangers
in the open day, why should she refuse her lover so small a
boon? At this she seemed to be somewhat moved by his
persistence, and hid her burning face on his breast.
"Well, since you desire it so much, if I show you as much
as they show, will you be satisfied and claim no more?"
Overjoyed, and eager to behold what he had so often pic-
tured to his glowing imagination, he returned an affirmative.
The lovely girl, blushing a rosy red, pulled down her dress
until half of each glowing breast was exposed to his enam-
oured view. Maddened at the sight he embraced her form
with frantic eagerness, and kissed them again and again, till,
prompted by his unruly desires, his hand suddenly plunged
between the panting mounds of pleasure, and took posses-
13


sion notwithstanding her resistance, faint though it was; for
that unlucky dream in which she in her vivid imagination had
already experienced, all this rendered her nearly helpless
in his arms— both her arms were now joined round his neck,
and lost in the mazes of her warm imagination she allowed
his hand to rove unrestrained all over her lovely neck and
breasts whilst it now and then wandered to her waist and
softly rounded belly (fear or ignorance kept him from en-
croaching further), her mouth half open like a ripe pome-
granate, returned his burning kisses whilst her tongue darted
between his lips. In a moment of forgetfulness she told him
that she had in a dream admitted him to even greater liberties
than these. This seemed to excite his curiosity, and he asked
her what had happened. She said he had obtained much
more than she would ever grant in her waking moments.
"What," said Daphnis; "were we in bed together and
undressed?"
She blushingly admitted that they were. He asked if her
feelings were the same as they now were. She said, between
hesitation and blushes, that his hands had wandered all over
her body, and that she seemed to be quite unable to prevent
him, that just before she awoke she had felt certain pleas-
urable sensations it would be quite impossible to describe. His
curiosity and desires still more powerfully aroused at this
description of the artless girl, Daphnis asked if the sensation
she had experienced was nice? This seemed to excite her more
and more, nearly fainting at the very recollection, she ex-
claimed: "It was like nothing earthly!"
Eager to know all about this mysterious transaction, he
desired to know what they could have done to cause all this,
but some feeling of maiden modesty prompted her to with-
hold this.
Daphnis5 desires had now reached a height entirely beyond
his control; and indeed, she seemed to be in almost a like
condition. They had accidentally slipped back on me till
they lay stretched face to face; their bodies pressed together
in frantic embraces; their limbs disordered. After some time
spent in these efforts, unable to obtain the enjoyment of
14


he knew not what, and, perhaps, prompted by instinct, he
threw himself on her, clasped his arms around her waist
whilst hers embraced his neck. Daphnis pressed closer and
closer amidst humid kisses and soft murmuring, as if he
wished to incorporate their bodies into one.
Whether by accident, or remembering the movements of
her dream, her limbs by degrees opened to admit his body,
twining convulsively round his loins. Nearly fainting with
the unaccustomed ecstasy of their still raging, unappeased
desires, they heaved and pressed frantically against each
other with but now a slight garment between them. She could
feel something pressing against the lovely spot between her
thighs, as if it would force its imperious way despite all im-
pediments, and with mutual longing it pouted wide at
each aggression, as if it longed to admit the dear invader,
At last, exhausted with these tantalizing and ineffectual
joys, they desisted for a moment, whilst Daphnis whispered,
"Was this like your dream?"
The lovely maid replied, "Not quite!"
"Why?" he asked.
"We were naked!"
This was just what he wished for, but had been too much
afraid to ask. Rising, he quickly divested himself of his
garments, and entreated her to follow his example; but
modesty and shame struggled against her wishes, and, at
last impatient of delay, he threw himself on her, and tearing
forcibly her dress, the lovely maid's naked charms were
exposed to his unrestricted view.
All thought of modesty or maiden diffidence was now com-
pletely overwhelmed and forgotten amidst the maddening
thoughts of her unappeased desires. She sank on me, her eyes
half closed with love, her breasts panting high, as if willing
to be pressed, her legs thrown apart, impatient to clasp his
body. Unable to bear the sight he sank into her arms, and lay
for some time exhausted with the very fury of his longings.
She seemed disappointed and impatient at this delay, and
pressing a burning kiss on his mouth, clasped him closer,
whilst she whispered: "This was not all!"
15


Awakened from his trance at this fond invitation, he pre-
pared to consummate their mutual bliss. She with trembling
eagerness aided his awkward efforts.
The invader now enters the open gates of his longing mate,
and presses onward— not without pain to both. Her breasts
panted and heaved upwards against his chest, as each eager
thrust sent a thrill of heavenly delight through her frame;
her thighs quivered and clasped around him, whilst she
seemed to dissolve in an agony of enjoyment. Now wriggling
with her hands clasped round his loins, all at once they sud-
denly struggled more fiercely, clasped tighter and tighter,
till with one humid kiss they sank fainting into each other's
arms.
KISSI-KISSI
or, WHAT I SAW IN A GARRET
As on a warm and genial day,
Upon my bedroom couch I lay,
My thoughts, for I was dreaming half,
Were broken by a silvery laugh,
Which fell upon my startled ear,
Loud, distinct, and very near;
I rose, and followed up the sound,
When very soon a hole I found,
To which I clapp'd my prying eye,
To see if there I aught could spy,
And was rewarded by a sight
Which thrilled and filled me with delight;
And which, if you'll peruse me through,
Dear reader, I'll relate to you.
A youth and maid were in the room,
And both in youth and beauty's bloom;
She seemed in age but just fifteen,
Whilst he three summers more had seen;
And by the way they kissed and squeezed
16


Seemed with each other highly pleased;
And that maid, my wayward muse,
Could scarce a fitter subject choose.
Their dress was very scant, for she
Was simply robed in a chemise,
Whilst the fair youth did also lack
All but one garment on his back;
But when his free hand wandered o'er
The charms which 'neath her dress she wore,
He got quite warm, and bade her lift
Up to her slender waist her shift;
Which soon she did, and there displayed
The finest limbs that ever maid
To lover's kindling eye presented,
But he, alas! was not contented.
And then he bade her throw aside
The garb which did her beauty hide,
And she, responsive to the call,
Soon let the inodorous garment fail,
And stood like fairest statue she
That mortal eyes did ever see;
Who now with unveiled nakedness,
Stood forth in radiant loveliness.
There was the pure and snowy skin,
Revealing currents warm within;
The graceful peak where beauty sits,
The swelling globes, the panting teats,
The fair abdomen, and the loins,
Where each fair thigh its fellow joins.
He saw all these, but fixed his eyes
Most on the spot where, 'twixt the thighs,
The rosy entrance to her heart
Lay like a rosebud rent apart;
For it, unlike to older girls,
Was yet unhid by clustering curls —
Save such a down as one might find
Upon a peach's luscious rind;
But still its coral lips displayed,
Undimmed by such a clustering shade;
17


A tempting thing! yet which to name,
Your Julia fair says, "Oh, for shame!"
But to my tale; the youth we left
Still gazing on the rosy cleft.
He placed his garment on a chair,
And stood as naked as the fair;
Then with one arm around her twined,
He felt each part, before, behind,
And let his roving fingers glide
O'er her plump breast and smooth backside.
Nor was she idle, for her hand
Held something that she scarcely spann'd;
And as it rose she took the part
Which oft had nearly touched her heart;
But ere her grasp she did resign,
She placed it in Love's panting shrine,
In which, her feebleness unbent,
The uncapp'd pilgrim nobly went —
Though at the rosy gate he lingers,
Detain'd by her encircling fingers;
Then, by a motion known to wives,
Deep in the orifice he dives;
And as the luscious goal he nears,
With one quick movement disappears.
She hugs the owner, kisses, squeezes,
Her actions telling how it pleases;
Till with one convulsive throe,
She feels her lover's lava flow;
And on her back supinely laid,
This to her panting lover said —
"Oh, love, I'm gone, spent, tired, done,
And never had a better one!
Not even when you first did steal
Your hand beneath my shift to feel.
Then I felt yours, and, to my surprise,
Encountered a thing of such a size,
That I was frightened at its look
Ere it in my hand I took;
And when at last upon this bed
18


You gently took my maidenhead,
With all its length beneath my belt,
No more of girlish fears I felt."
And thus they did their friendship seal,
In such a way as I do tell
Just then I heard a voice below,
And ne'er did voice displease me so;
Twas my cousin who thus called to me,
"Harry dear, come down to tea!"
I left the crevice with a frown,
And sulkily to my tea went down.
AN AMBASSADOR EXTRAORDINARY,
AND THE
HUMOUROUS MISTAKES OF A
COUNTRY CORPORATION
During the last century an ambassador from Persia was re-
ceived in France, which was a circumstance entirely new.
A splendid embassy from any power so distant as that never
occurred before.
The Persian ambassador first mentioned knew nothing
of the French language, and in consequence made a number
of mistakes, the cause of much diversion; as, on coming to
Paris, he was offered the use of the king's coach, but refused
it, under the idea that he did not choose to be shut up in a
box; and he was, besides this, of so fiery a temper, and had so
high an opinion of his dignity, that he would often clap his
hand to this sabre, and threaten punishment where the least
offence was by no means intended.
In a country so polite as that of France, it is not to be sup-
posed but that he met with all the indulgence that could be
expected by a person ignorant of their manners. Occasions
for these considerations were not few; for one time, as some
ladies of the first quality came to see his mode of eating, which
was to sit cross-legged upon a carpet upon the ground, he
19


ordered his people to detain them for the purpose of gratify-
ing his amorous inclinations, and seemed much chagrined at
being told that in France it was to no purpose to throw the
handkerchief to such as did not choose to take it up. Our
readers hardly need be told that throwing the handkerchief
in the East is the signal to the lady to whom it is directed,
indicating that she must immediately attend the privacy of
her lord, or the Sultan.
But, to return, Mehemet Rezeh Beg, having refused to
make his entry into Paris in a coach, rode on horseback.
Here he appeared like one of the heroes of ancient Xerxes.
His physiognomy was of the first craft for dignity, and his
black eyes seemed vivacity itself without the least tincture
of levity, which too often accompanies it.
His turban, corresponding with the other parts of his
dress, glittered with jewels; but these were in a great
measure obscured when he received an audience of the
French King, by the brilliancy of the court. His Majesty
had on a velvet habit entirely covered with diamonds, and
with all the appendages of royalty sat upon a throne elevated
for the purpose of displaying his magnificence to the
greater advantage; the dauphin, it is to be observed, sat
near His Majesty; the Duke of Orleans on the other side, and
the princes of the blood according to their different ranks;
while the princesses appeared upon an amphitheatre upon the
right and left, arrayed in a manner so rich and brilliant, as no
doubt to form one of the first spectacles in the world. The
ambassador and his suite had now to pass through a lane of
courtiers hardly less showy, and, though he was received
in the most gracious manner imaginable, he insisted upon
kissing the dauphin, and with his sabre in his hand effected
it by main force; and though His Majesty every day sent him
three sheep, a lamb, forty pounds of rice, butter, milk, &c.
he ate nothing that was not prepared by his own servants.
But the cream of his proceedings was in the reception he
met with in Provence, previous to his arrival at Paris. The
corporation of one of the principal towns there, hearing that
a deputation had been sent from Marseilles to congratulate
him on his entry into that place, were resolved to imitate
20


them, but what to do for an orator to express their sentiments
in the Persian language, they knew not. However, after
a strenuous search, they found a sailor who had been a
long time at Bassora, and, in fine, was just such a person as
they wanted.
An oration being drawn up was soon got by heart, and
translated by the new spokesman, who, being habited for the
purpose, was put at the head of the corporation to address
the ambassador on his entrance into the town. But in the
delivery of this address, his excellence proved his misfortune;
for his language appeared so perfect to the ambassador, that
he could suppose him no other than some renegade disciple
of Mahomet, a description which ail true believers hold in
the utmost contempt, and never fail to chastise to the farthest
extent of their abilities.
Under this view, instead of the gracious answer expected
by the orator, the ambassador began to upbraid him in the
most opprobrious terms: "Wretch!" said he, drawing his
cymitar, "confess the truth, or thou this instant losest thy
head! Art thou not an apostate from the true faith of the
circumcised?"
Not expert enough to give a direct answer to a charge of
this kind, the orator used every gesticulation that fear could
suggest to appease the other; and as he had previously
instructed the corporation to imitate him in ail the compli-
ments he made use of, the rage of the Persian was for some
time diverted in seeing the positions of the other scrupulously
followed by his attendants, though it was evident to him that
in the principal they were entirely directed by the danger
which he apprehended from the cymitar which the enraged
Persian was waving over the head of the culprit.
This humorous equivoque endured for several minutes;
but, as necessity is the mother of invention, it occurred to the
trembling orator that nothing could convince the Persian
that he was no apostate so much as ocular demonstration, as
this would infallibly prove to him that he had not been cir-
cumcised. Accordingly, unbuttoning his doublet, he instantly
produced his water conveyance! —a proof convincing enough.
But this was not all; the corporation, fearing the danger that
21


threatened them, immediately did the same! A spectacle of
this nature may more easily be imagined than described — for
to have seen a number of grave magistrates and others in a
situation this ludicrous, could only be done justice to by the
hand of a Hogarth. It is sufficient to say that the reproach
occasioned by this circumstance has become perpetual upon
the place, insomuch that it is now proverbial in that part of
France, to say that "If you ask a Provencal a question which
he cannot answer, he will immediately show you his prick."
ECCENTRICITIES
An old woman in Yorkshire, coming from the hayfield astride
on horseback, was met by a young man on the road, who
says to her, "What, Betty, got on astride?" "Ay, my lad,"
replies she, "it makes na matter, its as broad as its long!"
The daughter of Pythagoras used to say that the woman
who goes to bed with a man must put off her modesty with
her petticoat, and put it on again with the same.
Mr. Senior, a painter of York, imitated the crowing of a
cock so well that a lady thus addressed him: "Mr. S., you crow
so like a cock that one would think you was got by one."
"Madam," says he, "what do you think I was got by?"
Benserade had often rallied a friend for his impotency.
After some absence, his friend meeting him said, "There is
an end of your raillery now, my wife brought forth a boy this
morning." "Oh, Sir," said the poet, "I never doubted the
ability of your wife."
It chanced, during the rapturous embraces of a wedding
night, the bride unfortunately broke wind, upon which, says
the ignorant husband, "Rot me, if this ain't too bad, for a
bran' new utensil to crack the first time of using."
22


A wife, in bed with her husband, pretended to be ill at ease,
and desired to lie on her husband's side; the good man, to
please her, passed over her, not, however, without being
somewhat detained in the transit. She had not lain long before
she wished to lie in her old place again, and urging her hus-
band to repass the road he came, "I had rather," said he to
her, "go a mile and a half about."
A simple-minded country wench, in Worcestershire, I
think, was lately driving a cow to be bulled, when, lo, the bull
was gone astray, or absent at least. Upon this the poor girl
took mightily on, and at length fell a crying, when a person
who was near asked why she cried, since the bull was sure to
be found again. "Aye," says the girl, "but then it may be all
over with the cow —for that they are not like us Christians."
A young lady was taking an air on horseback near Bristol
with her footman behind. Unluckily her horse threw her.
When she called out, "John, did you ever see the like?"
"Yes, madam," says John, "your sister has just such another
backside."
Miss —, the celebrated Diana, one day fell topsy turvy
in a fox chase, when a countryman immediately flew to her
assistance; she asked him if he was married; he replied he was
single, on which she said if he had been a married man she
would have given him a crown, but as he was a bachelor, the
treat was quite sufficient.
At a dinner of one of the late sessions at the Old Bailey,
the Recorder, who presides there, and whose urbanity is not
a little distinguishable, was pressing Judge Gould to eat some
jellies, which came from Birch, the pastrycook, of CornhilL
"That may be, Mr. Recorder," said Judge Gould, "but though
I am much obliged to you, I don't stand in need of birch and
jellies yet."
23


NARCISSUS
As I was walking I cannot tell how,
Nor I cannot tell whither or where,
I met with a crew of I cannot tell who,
Nor I cannot tell what they were,
But virgins I think —for they cried,
"Narcissus, come kiss us, and love us beside."
They sung a fine song of I cannot tell what,
Nor whether in verse or in prose,
Nor knew I the meaning, although they all sat,
Even as it were under my nose;
But ever and anon they cried,
"Narcissus, come kiss us, and love us beside."
There came in a lad, but I cannot tell whence,
With I cannot tell what in his hand,
It was a live thing that had little sense,
And yet it could lustily stand;
Then louder the ladies they cried,
"Narcissus, come kiss us, and love us beside."
Some shak'd it, some strok'd it, some kiss'd it, 'tis said
It looked so lovely indeed;
All hugg'd it as honey, and none were afraid,
Because of their bodily need —
And louder the ladies they cried,
"Narcissus, come kiss us, and love us beside."
At length he did put in this pretty fine toy,
In I cannot tell where, below;
Into one of the ladies, but I cannot tell why,
Nor wherefore it should be so —
But in the mean time they all cried,
"Narcissus, come kiss us, and love us beside."
24


The lad being tired began to retreat,
And hung down his head like a flower,
The ladies the more did desire the feat,
But, alas! t'was out of his power —
Then louder and louder they cry'd,
"Narcissus, come kiss us, and love us beside/'
I then did return, I cannot tell how,
Nor what was in my mind;
Nor what else I heard, I know not I vow,
Nor saw I, for Cupid is blind —
But only the ladies still cry'd,
"Narcissus, come kiss us, and love us beside."
THE WITTY WIFE
A gentleman of very ancient family and considerable estate
was married to a lady of beauty, wit, virtue, and good humour;
but though he knew and acknowledged the merits of his wife,
yet he was a man of so depraved a taste that the most dirty
creature he could pick up frequently supplied her place.
It happened when they were at their country seat that
riding one morning to take the air, as was his usual custom,
he met a ragged country wench, with a pair of wallets, or
coarse linen bags, thrown over her shoulder. He stopped his
horse, and asked what she had got there? To which she re-
plied, with a low courtesy after the fashion, that it was broken
victuals; that her mother and she had no sustenance but what
they got from the charity of the cooks at great gentlemen's
houses, and that she was now going home with what they had
given her. "You need not be in haste, I suppose," said he.
"If you will step with me into yonder field I will give you
something to buy you a new gown."
The poor girl needed not much persuasion to bring her to
consent, on which he alighted from his horse, and threw the
bridle over a hedge stake —the girl at the same time hung
25


her bags on the pummel of the saddle, to prevent their
coming to any harm, she then followed the gentleman a little
way out of the road.
The horse, not liking his situation, found means to get
loose and ran directly home. The lady by chance was at the
window when he came galloping into the courtyard. She was
at first a little frightened to see him without his rider, but
perceiving the bags she called to have them brought to her,
and on their being so was not long at a loss to guess the
meaning of this adventure. She then ordered the cook to
empty the wallets, and put whatever she found in them into a
clean dish, and send it up in the first course that day at
dinner— which accordingly was done.
The husband on missing his horse walked home, and
brought with him two neighbouring gentlemen, whom he
accidentally met in his way. But these guests did not prevent
the lady from prosecuting her intention. The beggar's pro-
vision was set upon the table —remnants of stale fowls, bones
half picked, pieces of beef, mutton, lamb, veal, with several
lumps of bread promiscuously huddled together, made a
very comical appearance. Everyone presently had his eye
upon this dish, and the husband, not knowing what to make
of it, cried out pretty hastily, "What is this? What have we
got here?"
To which the lady, with the greatest gaiety, replied, "It is
a new fashioned olio, my dear! It wants no variety; I think
there is a little of everything, and I hope you will eat heartily
of it, as it is a dish of your own providing."
The significant smile which accompanied these last words,
as well as the tone of voice in which they were spoke, making
him remember where the girl had hung her wallets, threw
him into a good deal of confusion, which she perceiving,
ordered the dish to be taken away, and said, "I see you do
not like it, my dear, therefore, when next you go to market,
pray be a better caterer,"
"Forgive this," cried he, "and I promise never to go to
any such market more."
The gentlemen found there was some mystery in all this,
but would not be so free as to desire an explanation. When
26


dinner was over, however, and the lady, after behaving the
whole time with all the cheerfulness imaginable, had retired
to leave them to their bottle, the husband made no scruple
of relating to them by what means his table had been fur-
nished with a dish of so particular a kind; at which they
laughed very heartily, and would have done so much more
if their admiration of the lady's wit and good humour had
not almost entirely engrossed their attention.
AN ECCENTRICITY
The mode of salutation among the Turks appears to be the
most natural of any! They look at the person they wish to
salute, and place the hand upon the region of the heart.
In Egypt it was a custom for the master of the house in
which a cat died, to shave his left eyebrow, as a token of grief.
STABLE DUTY; or THE WANTON
WIFE AND FAVOURED GROOM
There is not in the registers of human actions any class or
adventure so abundantly productive of variety as that com-
prising matrimonial infidelity. The blooming virgin, though
burning with natural sensation at the sight of a youth, equal
in years and beauty; the blood at one moment rises to a deep
crimson in her lovely cheeks, and at the next forsakes them
as if forever. Though the sting of earnest desire pierces to
the inmost recesses of her trembling heart, she is yet, in the
general course of female delicacy, restrained from making
first advances —but when a married woman once conceives
what are commonly called tender emotions, they urge her
to anything and everything that may produce a full and de-
termined gratification —no matter who the object! No matter
what the means! And this, except in a few rare instances, is
invariably the case. The cool and philosophic enquirer would
27


therefore be almost induced to think that what we generally
call a criminal propensity, is rather a physical misfortune; and
instead of exulting in the detection and punishment of con-
nubial incontinence, weep over the frequent immolations of
absolute despotic concupiscence; for which we may account
in two ways: first, naturally produced by a too great quantity
of blood and animal spirits; and second, by a sort of mixed
cause, which is, when the moderate animal functions are
irritated and set afloat by men who either neglect, or are not
vigorous enough to gratify.
Let any of the male species, possessed of health and ability,
with a strong natural desire of indulgence, contemplate for
one moment what would be his feelings if he slept whole
nights, we are much afraid we might say whole weeks, in the
same bed with a woman who, either having excited his
passions, would refuse him, or with a woman who, having no
passions of her own, is incapable of exciting them in others.
Is it not like lying and rotting in cold oblivion? And would
any, the most scrupulous champion of chastity, blame nature
for seeking a more congenial association? Certainly not. Let
us reverse this statement, and we must admit that it turns just
as much in favour of the fair sex. Men neglect the objects of
their former admiration and enjoyment, because they can
with impunity have recourse to others; but if the same fear
of disgrace attended such courses as does similar gratifications
in women, we are apt to believe that the former thereby
gratifying the latter, though in a kind of involuntary manner,
would often save both from shame and perpetual solicitude.
By the initial observations we do not mean to glance the
least reflection upon the gentleman whose frail associate is
the principal character of our present memoir. On the
contrary, it is but justice to acknowledge that he can advance
no fewer than eight living arguments in favour of his connubial
and dutiful attention.
He is one of three sons of a certain titled lady who are all
remarkable for bearing different names, though we believe
the children of the same father, and remarkable for as great
a share of amiability as in genera! falls to the lot of one man.
About eleven years ago he made choice of a young lady whose
28


name for the sake of her family we must not at present re-
veal, though a very little time will in all probability make it
public in the regions of Doctor's Commons. Nature seemed
to have been profuse to her in all its favourite endowments —
mildness, delicacy, sweetness of manners, and beauty, all
united to inspire admiration, and with these, in her virgin
train, he led her to the altar of hymen.
Ten years they trod the flowery paths of love, of rapture,
and of domestic bliss; and in the course of that period were
blest with eight lovely children, in each of whom were united
all the fine qualities so conspicuous in their parents. Un-
fortunately, however, the next produced effects which blighted
all the fruits and flowers of Paradise, and left it a deserted
wilderness.
Mr. M-—- for such is the first letter of this gentleman's
name, who had ever been in the habit of giving his wife proofs
of his continued tenderness, in the beginning of this year
made her a present of a very beautiful horse for her own
riding. It was, indeed, in every respect, in his fond imagina-
tion, worthy of so inestimable a burden, and in their frequent
excursions through the country, on hill and in valley, upon the
borders of the restless ocean, and on the flowery downs,
seemed always conscious and proud of its mistress.
It happened sometimes that Mr. M— could not make it
convenient to be of our heroine's pedestrian parties, and at
her settled time of life, and with her established character,
it was not at all thought indelicate to allow her an exercise
of which she now became every day fonder and fonder,
attended only by a single groom. In some time her rides were
observed to be much longer than usual, but, except when she
kept dinner waiting, the period of her absence was not ob-
served. Her hair was frequently remarked to be much di-
shevelled, and on one occasion the skirt of her riding habit
was perceived to be greatly crumpled and very dusty —but
still such was the confidence of her fidelity, that suspicion
never so much as glanced against her virtue.
John, the groom, the hero of our narrative, was a stout,
dirty, vulgar, lump of a country bumpkin, about twenty years
of age, with short docked hair, a ruddy complexion, and a
29


pair of fists as hard and ill-coloured as labour and the sun-
beams could make them. In addition to this, his mental powers
kept in exact unison, he could neither read nor write, nor
even speak, except when repeating what he had often occa-
sion to say to his horses, or his fellows of the manger. Yet,
notwithstanding all this, such were the effects of his personal
charms in the eyes of our heroine, such were the music and
persuasive eloquence of his voice and conversation in her
ears, that after a long struggle between virtue and desire the
latter became the conqueror, and nothing short of enjoying
the superior delights of his person could content her.
Whether she made her first advances in a shady grove, or
whether on the sunny bank of a retired river, whether she
allured him by progressive soft seduction, or whether urged
by the impetuosity of uncontrolled passion, she vie et armis
secured her object, is not certain. It is sure, however, that the
shady grove and sunny bank have often been the theatres of
her delights, and that the lovers and zephyrs have, in those
selected places, smiled upon her transports.
The season for external recreation began now to decline,
and winter, rough and rainy, set in to prevent the full enjoy-
ment of her wishes. Her tender affection for the athletic
groom knew, however, no abatement; and in order to support
that she affected the most unremitting solicitude for her
horse, the present of her still unsuspecting husband. She
used frequently to contract the pleasures of her own table
to have ocular proof that Silverfoot was not neglected. In
short, her anxiety for that favourite animal at length became
so remarkable as to make her the subject of raillery, and at
length to surprise her family.
It happened one evening between tea and supper, after a
stable visit, that she returned to the drawing room in some
degree of disorder, and Mr. M-— with surprise, perceived
something like horse-dung stains and straws sticking to the
covering of her posteriors and the back part of her dress. As
this appearance was not less unaccountable than extraordi-
nary, it produced for the first time extraordinary and unac-
countable sensations —a thousand flashes of thought crossed
the imagination of Mr. M —, and jealousy, for the first time,
30


seized upon his tormented feelings. He had, however,
discretion and temper enough to suppress his suspicions, and
to resolve upon proving whether they were well or ill
founded.
Agreeably to this resolution the next evening, when he saw
by the uneasiness and agitation of our heroine, that she was
preparing for a visit to the stable, he pretended indisposi-
tion, and, declaring that a short repose would render him
service, retired, as if to rest upon a sofa in his study. Instead
of which he stole to the stable, where concealing himself
completely in the hay-loft, he remained snug until he heard
his lady and the groom enter. Heaven and earth, and great
and little stars! What were his emotions when he heard the
former, in the strongest terms of love, excuse herself for being
so long beyond her time, and the rustic brute of her regard
upbraid her in terms of the lowest and most indecent lan-
guage, for delaying his enjoyment. She soon soothed him,
however, and his impatience superseded his choler. Without
further ceremony he locked the door, and having spread a
truss of straw on the pavement threw her thereon, and with
rapidity, and in the full view of his enraged master began the
operation pf disgrace.
The act in itself was sufficiently provoking, but it was all
the time attended with peculiar circumstances of comparative
mortification. It was— "Oh! Oh! Dearest John— what a differ-
ence (and then a long break) between you and your master.
Charming, John! I love you better than the whole world!"
and a variety of other expressions, every one of which
went like a barbed arrow into the heart of the listening and
beholding husband.
Rage now getting the better of every consideration,
Mr. M-— called out, "Abandoned woman; have I caught
you?" A violent shriek from the detected matron succeeded.
John, without finishing his business, started up, and running
out of the stable effected his escape; and when the husband
descended, he found his terrified inconstant wife extended in
the very position of the act, and in a state of insensibility,
from which it appeared impossible to arouse her.
However enraged at her degenerate infidelity, however
31


astonished at a discovery which, in his judgment, exceeded
every boundary of female infamy, yet a recollection of his
children, and the many days and nights of joy which he had
experienced in her society, prevented him from violence. He
adjusted her habiliments, and having by great exertions
brought her to her senses, would have even concealed her
shame, but Johnny in his flight disclosed the whole secret,
which, upon returning to the house, he found was well known
to all the servants.
It was not the intention of Mr. M—- ever more to cohabit
with our heroine, but without divulging the cause to separate;
in this, however, he was disappointed by John's flight and
discovery, and now means to proceed in a legal way for a
divorce.
Did David show us anything
When for his infant sorrowing?
To show his grief did not he sing?
What do we learn?
My friend, the mourning pious king,
Show'd his concern.
A SPECIAL PLEA IN ABATEMENT;
or A GENERAL ISSUE JOINED
In a Case of Impotency
In the last decade of the eighteenth century a libel was pre-
ferred in Doctor's Commons by the daughter of an Esculapian
professor against her husband for the heinous matrimonial
crime of impotency, which was quashed in that conscientious
jurisdiction by an event, if not of the most fortunate, at least
of the most critical nature. Without any presentiment, or
allusion, of, or to, what actually happened, the defendant
pleaded
32


THE GENERAL ISSUE
and the eccleciastical Jurats decreed that the opinion of three
surgical examiners, upon oath, should decide the question,
which, though neither of astronomy nor astrology, demanded
a peculiar knowledge of the "globes," and all the principles
of celestial and terrestrial "motion," nocturnal as well as
diurnal. Messrs. Hocus, Pocus, and Focus, three very learned
adepts in cases of this sort, were accordingly appointed upon
this occasion. The defendant was served with notice of time
and place, and every previous circumstance arranged to make
the business as easy to his feelings as the nature thereof
would admit.
But notwithstanding all this judicial and medical delicacy,
the unfortunate defendant found himself exceedingly agi-
tated by apprehensions lest the examiners should not find
matters altogether as perfect as their knowledge of female
anatomy might judge necessary —besides, the well-known
idea of shrinking through fear had a most disagreeable effect
upon his recollection.
However, as the criterion was decreed by the profound
wisdom of the Spiritual Court, he considered it inevitable,
and therefore submitted to the consequences. Behold now,
gentle reader, especially if thou be of the softer and more
tender sex— behold this votary of Hymen stretched upon
his back! Behold the three sage sons of Galen with spectacles
mounted! Behold the fingers of the eldest already applied
to the flexible portcullis which screened and guarded the
TRIA JUNCTA
of human perpetuity! Behold them, like three Jewish high
priests or Mahometan muftis going to perform the ceremony
of circumcision, and call to your recollection what indeed
must have been the feelings of the unfortunate object of
their investigation. But, to return —
Just as the enquiry was commencing, with no very favour-
able symptoms for our hero, a loud rapping was heard at
the door of the apartment; the operation ceased, and the
door being opened, a female far advanced in pregnancy made
her appearance, attended by a grave looking matron, and two
33


officers belonging to the court, who, upon a proper applica-
tion, had issued its authority to that purpose.
The three examiners now enquired into the cause of this
intrusion, when the grave lady, who, it seems, was nearly
allied in consanguinity to the defendant, addressed them to
the following purport: "Gentlemen, as the honour of my
family is deeply concerned in this business, I have, by bribing
the maid servant of this lady, found that, notwithstanding
her charges against my relation, she was actually with child
when she left him, and for that reason, without mentioning
my intentions to anyone, I procured a proper citation, and
contrived to have her brought before you, that your eyes
might be satisfied as to the falsity of the imputations." At
this moment the poor victim of examination raised himself
up, and, to his utter astonishment, beheld his complaining
spouse with every mark of having received ample justice.
Nothing could possible excite more wonder than this
accident —Hocus, however, observed that it might be alto-
gether a deception —Pocus was therefore for feeling the
reality —and Focus declared that there was nothing like
ocular demonstration, especially since the adoption of pads,
or comme il fauts. The examination was, therefore, im-
mediately translated from the masculine to the feminine
gender, and the plaintiff became defendant in error; but
nothing could induce the three examiners from being fully
satisfied. She was extended upon the same table, where but
a few minutes before lay her husband, and, having gone
through a thorough investigation, her case was pronounced
to be an "ipso facto issue," proving to the utmost satisfac-
tion of justice, penetration, and all those subsequent effects
which the modesty of the laws upon trials for rapes and impo-
tencies so necessarily demands.
AN ECCENTRICITY
A gentlemen was in the habit, whenever attending a public
dinner, of always, when called upon for a toast, giving, "The
34


Church." His wife, who was rather deaf, got tired of this
continual repetition, and told him that the next time he gave
it she would expose him. The husband taking the hint upon
the next occasion gave, "The Ladies." The wife, mistaking
this for the old toast, astonished the company by rising and
saying— "I told my husband that if he again gave this toast
I would expose him —I assure you he has not been in one for
a very long time, and the last time he was he came out be-
fore it was half over."
CURIOUS DISCOURSE ON THE
MEANING, DUTY, AND
HAPPINESS OF KISSING
'Jacob kissed Rachel/' — Gen. c. 29, v. 11.
To prove that he did not incur the least guilt by this delight-
ful act, we have the combined testimonies of the scriptures;
and the unanimous opinions of the most learned inter-
preters of the passage which we have selected for the subject
of the following discourse.
Multitudes of men since the days of this illustrious patri-
arch have done the same, and been, like him, as absolutely
free from sinning. The voice of all ages has not merely con-
firmed the rectitude of the practice, but emphatically recom-
mended the initiation of it to posterity.
Much does it redound to the humour of the present cen-
tury, and to the natives of the British empire in particular,
that in this agreeable pursuit, instead of ever deviating from
the paths of their "pious" ancestors, they have improved to
such a degree upon the example, that future times however
well disposed to bear obediently in their remembrance so
captivating a lesson, will find it difficult to surpass them in
their adherence to this engaging virtue.
May we constantly persevere in fervent efforts to deserve
this character. Indefatigably performing so essential and so
exquisite a branch of our Christian duty, may we proceed
35


from strength to strength, rejoicing until we obtain the com-
pletion of our utmost wishes.
In the discussion of this important point, I propose, first,
to consider the meaning of the words "Jacob kissed Rachel."
Secondly, to enforce the fullest submission to the charming
precept which they convey.
First, as to the meaning of the words, "Jacob kissed Rachel/'
The verb to kiss, the substantive a kiss, and participle
kissing, and that strange and equivocally sounding phrase
kissed, will all admit of a double interpretation. They may
signify either a simple salute, or a ceremony more complicated
in its nature; but the kissing described in the text under
the former description; it was a mere contact of the lips,
accompanied by, perhaps a partial, perhaps a mutual smack-
ing.
This will appear from an examination of the context. We
learn that Jacob departed from the house of his father upon a
journey to the land of the people of the East, for the purpose
of receiving a beautiful and meritorious wife into his bosom.
This expedition was difficult, interesting, and momentous.
On the result of it depended his bliss or misery. The partner
of his nuptial bed might either cover it with piercing thorns,
or, with a kind and constant hand, strew it over with unfading
wreaths of roses.
After a tedious pilgrimage, if the expression be allowable,
he arrived at Padanaram, in Syria, a country which seemed,
for various reasons, the peculiar favourite of heaven.
In one of the green valleys of this fertile region he met
the young, the elegant, and lovely Rachel. Instigated by the
propensity of his nature, and the power of her personal
attractions, he flew to her embraces, and, in the energetic
language of the text, "he kissed her/'
What man, not cursed by a detestable abhorrence of the
sex, could refrain from taking, or at least wishing to take,
the same liberty? Fair and inviting was the opportunity; and
it is difficult to decide whether the cold temperament of him
who could resist it ought to exercise pity, or incur contempt.
It is not proved that Rachel either resisted or even objected
against this freedom from a stranger; we may, therefore,
36


venture to determine that the salutation had quite the op-
posite effect upon the solid principle regarding which the
learned, so prone to controversy, and so notorious for a
discordancy of sentiments, have seldom differed, that women,
and especially virgins, such as at this period we must con-
sider Rachel, did never from the creation of the world to
the present hour conceive a mortal antipathy to a kiss from
an admirer glowing with all the manly allurements of youth,
comeliness, and vigour.
But no readiness to take offence, no spark of momentary
resentment, no flashes of transient anger were raised within
her breast by the tender familiarity of Jacob. She received
it as the welcome presage of a fonder intimacy, which termi-
nated in a prosperous marriage.
Thus, as in the days of yore, kissing is generally the fore-
runner of closer connections, which, sometimes, have led
to sweet and uncorrupted matrimony; but which has often
with a faithless step been known to start aside from the fasci-
nating object to which the male lover declared that it was
ultimately tending.
Thrice fortunate are they who, unalterably attentive to
the hallowed mandate which proceeds from heaven, from
nature, and speaks with soft, yet almost soft insurmountable
persuasion, to every son and daughter of the universe, can
truly exclaim, "We have not laboured in vain; nor suffered
the flower of our age to drop withering from the stalk. We
have not expended our force to unavailing purposes; we
possess the commendation of our.own consciences, and the
esteem of our friends; in addition to all which enviable
felicities, our children shall rise up and call us blessed!"
Having thus briefly considered the import of the expres-
sion, "Jacob kissed Rachel," I shall, secondly, endeavour to
fix upon your minds the actual expediency of implicitly sub-
mitting to the cordial precept which it inculcates.
Whatever nature inclines us to do, the same not being
prohibited by any positive law, either divine or human, it
certainly behooves us to execute.
On this occasion, my brethren, and you, my fair auditors,
the injunction presents itself with an aspect so winning and
37


so enlightened that you cannot hesitate to regard it as at
once rational and ecstatic. Yield, therefore, to its benignant
influence —raptures which no language can describe spring
up before it; raptures at which the noblest union of the senses
may not only assist with innocence, but plenteously partake
of the most exquisite of all the triumphs of mutual affection.
Let the inanimate being of the masculine gender, if such
unfortunately there are, who compose a part of my congre-
gation, examine their inward feelings and declare whether
they would not conceive it difficult totally to resist the
temptation of lips like those of Rachel —a fragrance equal
to the ambrosial odours of an April morn issuing from
their vermilioned surface, to render them not the least
captivating of that almost divine assemblage of features in
which Jacob doubtless perceived the spotless index of the
milder virtues, invariably directed throughout their lucid
progress by the best and consequently the most serviceable
qualities of a female understanding.
How glorious was the opportunity here afforded of grati-
fying the desires interwoven, for wise and for bounteous
reasons, nearly at the very moment of its creation within
the human frame.
But I can venture to affirm that the majority of those to
whom I now address myself are composed of materials too
sublime, too effervescent, too luxuriously prone to the par-
ticipation of the fair indulgence which is the harbinger of
hymenial bliss not to enjoy, by the warm magic of an ele-
vated imagination, those scenes of reciprocal endearment as
having passed been Jacob and Rachel-— "He kissed her,"
"He lifted up his voice and wept/' In sorrow? No; from an
excess of transport. The joy which overflowed the heart
ran gushing from the delighted eye, dropping a tributary
tear upon the yet firm and snowy bosom of the seducing
cause of this inevitable yet just emotion.
From the case of Jacob, it is not erroneously but highly
requisite to infer that his behaviour at the interview with
Rachel should be taken, so long as the world exists, for a
pattern by all who may have the advantage of standing in a
similar predicament; for it would prove unjustifiable, and
38


even criminal, to entertain the most distant idea that we have
been endowed at our birth with inclinations and desires
which could not be gratified without "sinning against the law
and the prophets."
Needless is it to dwell longer upon this particular head;
and the rather, as the agreeable doctrine of the illustrious
apostle of the Gentiles is unswearably persuasive in the
support of my argument, against those frigid, and to the credit
of human kind, let us add, those few controversalists who
are disposed to cast an ignominious doubt upon its infalli-
bility. The discerning and accomplished saint was frequently
earnest in exhorting his followers to fulfil one of the most
grateful of his commands: he has said, "Salute ye one another
with an holy kiss."
THE EFFECT OF FRENCH NOVELS
UPON THE TICHBORNE TRIAL; or
"WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN"
"Neither June, nor rain, nor thunder
Shall utterly efface I ween
The thought of that which 'might have been.'"
Coleridge ("Crystabel")
Said Kenealy, from drinking and smoking and snuff,
Mortality, suffer a shock;
But build up a Roger, they are not enough;
You must call in the aid of De Kock.
With the aid of translations, I'll prove it, I say,
I'll prove it as sure as the clock;
That Tichborne became such a mauvais sujet,
Through reading the works of De Kock.
"Seduction made easy" and "Vice Harmless Sport"
Are his teachings, our morals to shock;
"Then 'twere best," said the Chief, "to keep ladies from Court
While you are translating De Kock."
39


So next day an order was posted which ran,
"No ladies before twelve o'clock";
And Kenealy appeared and straightway began,
To recite from the works of De Kock.
But though 'reft of ladies, silk gowns did abound,
And stuff—on the back on the back of black coats;
And Chief, Bar, and Jury sure never were found,
So earnest in taking down notes.
The extracts, so spicy, so naughty, but nice,
The Chief, Bar, and Jury's ears thrill;
They were charmed with Mon Voisin, and silent as mice
When he opened the "Maide of Belleville."
"I could listen all day," said the Chief, with delight.
Said Mellor, "I don't care a rush,
If Paul De Kock takes up a week or a fortnight";
"It's capital, really," said Lush.
Thought the Jury, "it's certainly far more amusing,
On a morning in sultry July,
To list to French novels than hear the abusing
Of Jesuits, Priests, and such fry."
But, Dr. Kenealy, could you but have known
The effect of your choice recitation;
The Bar is not marble, nor soldiers alone
The combustible part of the nation.
For alas! That Palladium by Englishmen prized
Couldn't stand the assaults of the French;
The profligate writer soon demoralized
The Jury, the Bar, and the Bench.
"Don't you think it a shame to keep ladies from this?"
Said Lush, to the Chief, half aside;
"Parhleu and Mon Dieu!" said the Chief, "so it is,"
And he sent to invite them inside.
And adds, "Lest they're crowded in gallery high,
Politeness we'll learn from the French,
40


So, usher, the prettiest girls you can spy,
Just offer a seat on the Bench."
Toute suite, with gay muslins, the Bench was o'er charged,
And the Chief, it may be, showed his taste,
When the rules of his court he forever enlarged,
And took Mabel Grey round the waist.
And Mellor was seen to nod, smirk, and gloat
On red cheeks and corked eyelids with glee;
And Lush found it difficult taking a note
With Baby Thornhili on his knee.
Ancl the Jury sat grinning and winking their eye,
And decency treating with scorn,
While they chucked billets doux to the girls who were by
For appointments that night at Cremorne.
And then the infection ran all through the Bar,
And flirting and spooning began,
Till the ushers were pulled up for going too far,
In wanting to dance the Can-Can!
41