THE THREE CHUMS:
A TALE OF
LONDON EVERYDAY LIFE
(Continued from page 10)
The girl fairly quivered with emotion as she lay on her
side kissing and cuddling close to his body, but his previous
encounters during the preceding twenty-four hours rendered
him rather less impulsive, in fact he liked to enjoy the situa-
tion, which was such as none but those who have lain by the
side of a loving expectant young wanton can thoroughly
appreciate. Her hands roved everywhere, and she conducted
one of his to that most sacred spot of all, which he found
glowing like a furnace, and so sensitive to his touch, that she
sighed, "Oh! Oh!" and almost jumped when she felt his
tickling fingers, as they revelled in the luxuriant growth of
silky hair, which almost barred the approach to the entrance
of her bower of love. Charlie never had such a sleepless
night in his life, for impatient of his long-delay in making a
commencement, she threw a leg over his hip as a challenge,
and, having his wand in her hand as fit as busy fingers could
make it, she directed Mr. Warner so straight that he found
not the least difficulty in exploring the very inmost recesses
of her humid furbelow, which to judge from its overflowing
state was a veritable fountain of butterine. How he rode
the lively steed, till, exhausted by the rapidity of the pace,
he fell off, only to find Maria had reversed positions, and
there was no rest for him till seven o'clock in the morning,
and at breakfast his looks only too plainly told the tale of
the night's orgie, as Mr. Mortimer railled at all three young
fellows of having had a rakish time of it, remarking that he
hoped they would be more moderate in future, but it might
be excusable for a first night in town.
Charlie at Home, Landlady and Servant
Our hero was glad to stay in his own rooms and rest the
next evening, and felt rather too used up to indulge in much
more than a mild joke and a kiss with the pretty Fanny, who
had a rather pouting expression on her face as she bid him
good night after what she considered to be a decidedly lan-
guid kind of kiss.
"He isn't so fresh as when he arrived, but perhaps he will
be more lively at breakfast time," she mused, going down-
stairs to the lower regions of the house. "I hope Mrs. Letsam
won't get at him, that's all!"
Charlie was so done up that he went to bed by ten o'clock,
and slept so soundly that he awoke quite early, feeling as
frisky as a lark, and with the peculiar elevation of spirits
most healthy young fellows are subject to when they first
open their eyes in the morning.
"J. T. is quite himself again," exclaimed Charlie, as he
threw off the bed-clothes to survey the grand proportions
of that part of his anatomy sacred to the service of the fair
sex. Then looking at his watch by the aid of the lamp which
he had left burning, "By Jove, how early; only half-past four.
I'll look outside in the corridor in search of adventure, there
is just a chance I might find Fanny's room, as this is the top
story; she can't go higher up, and isn't likely to be lower
Quick as the idea flashed across his mind he stepped out
of bed, and taking the little lamp in his hand opened his
door very gently and stepped into the corridor, which was
a long passage with three or four doors of rooms besides
those of his own apartments. He listened at the first one,
but hearing nothing passed on to the next, which was slightly
ajar; hesitating for a moment he heard the loud stentorian
breathing of a heavy sleeper, so shading the lamp with his
hand he pushed the door gently open, when what should
he see but his fat landlady, Mrs. Letsam, lying on her back
in bed with her knees up and mouth open. Although so bulky
Mrs. L. was what some would term a truly splendid woman,
not more than forty, very pleasing face, and rich brown hair;
whilst her open night dress displayed all the splendours of
her mature bosom's magnificent orbs, as white as snow and
ornamented by the most seductive strawberry nipples. In
reality it was only a chemise, not a proper night dress, she
was sleeping in, so that, as well as the bosom, a large but
finely moulded arm was exposed to his searching gaze, and
gave him such curious ideas as to the development of other
unseen charms, that he resolved to satisfy his curiosity by a
manual exploration under the bed-clothes. Turning down his
lamp he put it outside the door in the corridor, then in the
darkness knelt down by the bedside, and slowly insinuating
his hand till he touched her thigh, rested till it got warm,
then trembling all over with emotion he continued his in-
vestigations. His touches seemed marvellously to agitate the
sleeper, for after one or two slight involuntary kind of starts,
she stiffened her body out quite straight as she turned on
her side with something very much like a deep sigh, and
Charlie withdrew his impudent fingers, just as he felt the
flow of bliss consequent on his exciting touches.
"She'll think it was a dream; most likely the old girl
often feel like that," laughed Charlie to himself as he sneaked
out of the room, little guessing that Mrs. Letsam had been
thoroughly awakened, and stepped out of bed the moment
he was gone, peeping out into the corridor to see who it was.
"Ha, Mr. Warner, it's you, is it? It won't take me long to
be even with you for this lark!" she said to herself as she got
into bed again. "I wish the dear boy had got into bed though;
his touches gave me most exquisite pleasure."
Meanwhile Charlie had got to a door at the furthest end
of the corridor, which opened at once as he turned the handle,
and sure enough it was Fanny's room, for there lay the object
of his desires in a broken restless sleep, with nearly all the
bed-clothes tossed off. What a sight for an impressionable
youth! There she lay almost uncovered as it were, her right
hand on the spot which so many men who scandalise the fair
sex say they always protect instinctively with their hand
whilst asleep for fear of being ravished unawares.
However that may be, Fanny's hand was there, and Charlie
conjectured that it was not so much for protection as digita-
tion, judging from the girl's agitated restless dreams; for
she was softly murmuring,
"Don't! Pray, don't. You tease me so. Oh! Oh!"
He could see everything as he shaded his little lamp so
as not to let the light fall on her eyes — her lovely thighs and
heaving mount of love, shaded by the softest golden-coloured
down, whilst one finger was fairly hidden within the fair lips
of the pinkest possible slit below the dewy moisture which
glistened in the light.
"By heavens! What a chance!" said Charlie to himself.
"Perhaps I can give her an agreeable surprise."
Quick as thought he extinguished his lamp, which he
placed on a table, then in the dark groped towards the bed
where the pretty Fanny lay quite unconscious of his presence.
The sleeper having tossed off most of the bed covering it
was quite easy for him to lay himself by her side; he kissed
the inviting globes of her firm plump bosom, but without
awakening her, she simply moaned soft endearing words;
as if she felt herself caressed by someone she loved so much.
His right hand pushed hers aside and took possession of
the tender cleft it had been guarding and pressing at the
same time; then he gently placed one leg over hers, pressing
his naked person close to her body. What thrills of delighted
expectation shot through his whole frame, he quivered from
head to foot. The temptation and the intensity of his feelings
would stand no further delay. So, he glued his lips to hers in a
long luscious kiss, whilst one arm held her firmly embraced,
and the other was delkiously occupied in manual prelimi-
naries for the attack on her virgin fortress below.
"Fanny," he whispered, as she unconsciously responded to
his kissing. "It's me, darling; let me love you now?"
At first he thought she was going to scream, but he sealed
her lips by the renewal of his fiery kisses, which seemed fairly
to stop her breath. She did not speak but appeared awfully
discomposed; deep, long drawn sighs came from her as her
bosom heaved with excitement, and her hands feebly tried
to push away his intrusive fingers. But desire evidently over-
came modesty; her return of his willing kisses became more
ardent, and her legs gradually gave way to his efforts to get
between them, and instead of repulsing his advances her arms
were entwined round his body.
"By Jove!" thought Charlie. 'Tm not the first; she's too
easy!" but to his delight he did not find the citadel of her
chastity had been stormed before; the battering ram of love
had to be vigorously applied before a breach was made
sufficient to effect a lodgement. What sighs; what murmurs
of love and endearment were mixed with her moans of pain.
"My pet, you are a woman now," he whispered, lovingly,
at the conclusion of the first act, kissing her again and again.
"Oh, Charlie, what a darling; you have been so gentle with
me. How I love you now; you will always love me, won't you,
dearest? But you can't, you can't marry me, I know." Here
she sobbed hysterically as that thought broke upon her mind.
Our hero did all he could to comfort her, but found nothing
so conducive to that end as drawing up the curtain for a
second scene in the drama of love.
"I don't know what upset me so in my sleep; but dear, I
went off thinking of you, and suppose I must have wanted
you; your kissing has made me feel so uneasy and all-overish
since you came to the house. No one ever upset me like that
before," she confessed to him in her simplicity, as they lay
toying and kissing till daylight. She advised Charlie to take
leave of his new love, and retreat to his own room for fear
Charlie was so enamoured of Fanny that when she brought
up his breakfast he urged upon her a repetition of the pleas-
ures of the night.
"How dare you, Sir, talk to me like that by daylight?"
she answered, repulsing his bold advances. "What I may do
in the dark is no excuse for this. Mrs. Letsam is always watch-
ing me like a cat, to see I don't stop in the lodgers' rooms a
moment too long."
It was very reluctantly he let her go. After breakfast having
nothing particular to do, and feeling rather sleepy, he tried
to take a nap on the sofa, when just as he was dozing off
there was a light tap at the door, and in answer to his "Come
in," who should it be but the landlady with his night lamp
in her hand.
There was quite a grin upon her full, round, good-looking
face, showing a beautiful set of pearly teeth.
"Mr. Warner," she said, seating herself quite familiarly
by his side on the sofa. "I didn't think you were such a young
rake as to ravish my maid servant only a couple of days after
coming here. Don't say a word; I know all about it, and have
seen the stains in the girl's bed, as well as found your lamp
in her room; a pretty scrape you'll be in if the girl falls in
the family way!"
Her eyes sparkled, and she looked so curiously towards
a certain part of his person, that Charlie saw at once he would
have to square the fat, fair, and forty lady to prevent un-
"My dear Mrs. Letsam, how can you accuse me of such
things? Now if it had been you — " he said, laughing.
"That's exactly it, Mr. Warner, you despised my more
mature charms for a chit like Fanny. Pray what were you
doing in my room last night —as if I could sleep and not be
woke up by the rude hand you pushed under my bed-clothes.
I ought to call a policeman and give you in charge for an
Her soft hand had been placed on his thigh, right over
Adam's needle, which fairly throbbed under the pressure.
"And this is the thing to run away from a lady? I shall
now take as great liberties with you, young Sir," she said,
proceeding to take possession of his manly jewel as it now
sprang forth in all its grandeur when she opened the front
of his dressing gown.
"The love! Now it's mine! What a beauty!" she exclaimed,
leaning over him, and imprinting hot, wanton kisses on the
head of the rampant prisoner. Charlie fairly sighed and heaved
with excitement under such an osculation, he had never felt
such an ecstatic thrill before, it was almost a new sensation
to him; a simple kiss or two by an enraptured girl, who had
just experienced the delights such a darling could give, he
understood as a token of extraordinary desire, but the
tonguing and pressures of the sucking lips of this wanton
woman opened up such a new source of delight, that he almost
fainted under her caresses.
"There," she said, "you darling, that is my style of love,
beats all the vulgar, straightforward ways of enjoyment. You
may have Fanny as much as you like, but let me suck a little
of your honey now and then or I will get rid of her; I don't
care for a man any other way; besides, I'm not so old but I
ought to be careful."
Charlie kissed her pretty mouth, and told her how delighted
he was to have got into such a nice house, adding, "I never
felt such pleasure before, so you may be sure the least touch
or kiss will put me in a state to meet and rise to your require-
ments in a moment," as he stood kissing her when she rose
to go. "No one ever excited me as you have done. Were you
ever struck by lightning? I have heard that such people
have an electric touch."
"No, dear," she replied, smiling, and showing her lovely
teeth, which fascinated him so. "Although I'm stout, I'm
only three-and-thirty and have the misfortune to come of
a particularly warm family. Good-bye, now."
(Continued on page 87)
"Mary," said Mrs. Robinson to her servant, "I believe you
are in the family way!"
"Yes, marm; and so are you!"
"But, girl, you don't understand; I'm married, and have a
father for my child."
"Yes, marm; and so have I."
"You don't understand; my husband is the father of my
"And so he is of mine, marm."
"For shame, you hussey; why my husband wouldn't touch
you with a pair of tongs."
"No, marm; but he did with his little poker!"
Exit Mrs. Robinson for an explanation with the gay old
A snob fitting on a pair of boots for a young lady
On his knees and at it, put it in and pat it;
"Is it in?" says he;
"Oh, yes," says she,
"As nice as nice can be, and I like it."
CONUNDRUM — What is the difference between a cat and
Answer—One kitten will make a cat, but it takes two cats
to make a kitten.
THE COQUETTE AND THE GASCON
A young coquette widow in France had been followed by a
Gascon of quality, who had boasted among his companions
of some favours he had never received, to be revenged on
him, sent for him one evening, and told him it was in his power
to do her a very particular service. The Gascon, with much
profession of his readiness to obey her commands, begged
to hear in what manner she designed to employ him.
"You know," said the widow, "my friend Belinda, and
must often have heard of the jealousy of that impotent
wretch her husband. Now, it is absolutely necessary, for the
carrying on of a certain affair, that his wife and I should be
together for a whole night. What I have to ask of you is to
dress yourself in her night clothes, and lie by him a whole
night in her place, that he may not miss her while she is with
The Gascon, though of a very lively and undertaking com-
plexion, began to startle at the proposal
"Nay," says the widow, "if you have not the courage to go
through what I ask of you, I must employ somebody else that
"Madam," says the Gascon, "I will kill him for you if you
please; but for laying with him, how is it possible to do it
without being discovered?"
"If you do not discover yourself," says the widow, "you
will be safe enough, for he is past all curiosity. He comes in
at night while she is asleep, and goes out in the morning be-
fore she wakes, and is in pain for nothing but that he knows
"Madam," replied the Gascon, "how can you reward me for
passing a night with this old fellow?"
The widow answered, with a laugh, "Perhaps by admitting
you to pass a night with one you think more agreeable."
He took the hint, put on his night clothes, and had not been
in bed above an hour before he heard a knocking at the door,
and the treading of one who approached the other side of the
bed, and who he did not question was the good man of the
house. I do not know whether the story would be the better
by telling you in this place, or at the end of it, that the
who went to bed to him was our young coquette widow.
The Gascon was in a terrible fright every time she moved
in the bed, or turned towards him, and did not fail to shrink
from her, till he had conveyed himself to the very edge of the
bed. I will not dwell upon the perplexity he was in the whole
night, which was augmented when he observed that it was
now broad day, and that the husband did not yet offer to get
up and go about his business. All that the Gascon had for it
was to keep his face turned from him, and feign himself
asleep, when to his utter confusion the widow at last put out
her arm and pulls the bell at her bed head. In came her friend,
and two or three companions to whom the Gascon had
boasted of her favours. The widow jumped into a wrapping
gown, and joined with the rest at laughing at this man of
AFFAIRS IN GREECE
Affairs in Greece have caused some ire,
And fat's been thrown into the fire;
To sing my song I will begin,
For remember, mine's not a case of tin.
In fashion's great Belgravia
Lived a voluptuous cookey dear,
Amongst her beaus who were the don,
Was butler James and footman John;
Now John meant marriage, that be sure,
But James meant stuff, and nothing more.
The cook knew this, and tho' sweet upon the butler,
She gammoned the modest with the other.
To the pantry every day 'tis clear,
Voluptuous cookey used to repair,
Tho' a novel place for such a treat,
Twas there James used to spit cook's meat.
One day the footman wanting cook,
About the house in vain did look;
Altho' he no suspicion bore,
At length he knocked at the pantry door,
The cook let in the flunkey dear,
The butler hid in the pantry near.
John grew quite bold, he'd had some lush,
And began to finger cookey's plush,
The cook resisted all she could —
She'd acquaint her mistress, that she would.
John heeded her not, but slackened his smalls,
And gave her a taste of his forced meat balls.
"Oh, don't," says she, "oh, don't, oh lor'!
You're going where no one's been afore!"
When the butler roars with lungs of brass —
'Then I'm damn'd if he aint going up your arse!"
ADVENTURES AND AMOURS
OF A BARMAID
A SERIES OF FACTS
Polly D— is the daughter of an inkeeper in a market
town in the county of W —. From the earliest infancy she
was not less remarkable for the vivacity of her temper, than
the beauty of her person. Mr. D—-, her father, contemplated
with the greatest delight the growing charms of his youthful
daughter; which, with a proper education, he thought when
her person arrived at maturity, would be a most captivating
ornament for the decoration of his bar.
Accordingly, at the age of twelve, Miss Polly was sent to a
boarding school a short distance from her native home for the
purpose of learning a few fashionable embellishments. After
staying at this seminary a competent time, the lovely girl was
returned to the longing eyes of her fond father, replete with
every accomplishment that is in the power of those elegant
receptacles of female education to bestow.
For a few months after the arrival of our heroine at her
native place, her father gratified every wish of her heart;
but he soon began to perceive, with inexpressible regret, the
taste his fair daughter had imbibed for dress, and every other
extravagance which young ladies, who have had the benefit
of a boarding-school education, generally learn. He then
lamented with the greatest concern the sums which he had
lavished in the vain hope of making his beloved child a per-
fect mistress of the business of keeping an inn. Polly had an
utter contempt for everything that was low and vulgar;
therefore, the uncouth admiration of the country squires
could not but be disgusting to her.
During the time of our heroine's being bar-mistress or
barmaid, if the reader pleases, a company of strolling players
arrived in the town, in order to exhibit their talents for the
amusement of the country folks. Miss Polly was greatly
pleased at this, for she had been once or twice indulged with
a play whilst at school, and had, we must confess, a taste for
theatrical performances. The King's Head being the principal
inn in the town, it cannot be supposed but the merry sons of
Thalia made it a house of constant resort; nor is it surprising
that, in their frequent visits, the greatest notice should be
taken of the all captivating Polly. Indeed, the manager, who
was a very polite man, soon made himself intimate with her;
and all the hours that he appropriated to the drowning of
care were spent in the company of our heroine. She had been
long a stranger to adulation, and it is not to be wondered at
if the insinuating eloquence of the leader of the sock and
buskin tribe had not great influence over the heart of this
lively and beautiful girl. In short, he prevailed upon her when
the company was about to quit the town to accompany him.
Our heroine, no less delighted with the thought of "wielding
the dagger," as of exhibiting her person on the stage before
a country audience, the manager had not much difficulty in
gaining her consent, especially upon promising that her first
appearance should be in the character of Desdemona.
Mr. D—-, being now quite tired of his daughter's extrava-
gance, and she of the business of retailing, did not give him-
self any sort of trouble on her being supposed to have gone
off with the player folks; but, on the contrary, to use his own
words, "was very glad she had taken herself off."
However, the personal charms of our heroine, which were
universally allowed to be inexpressibly beautiful, attracted
the merited admiration of every lover of female excellence,
her manifest deficiency in every part she undertook could not
escape observation; indeed the manager well knew this, but
it was the desire of enjoying the person of the fair Polly that
prompted him to decoy the unsuspecting maid from her
father's house. He had tried every art in vain to obtain his
wish; and when he was fairly convinced the port was im-
pregnable, he sincerely began to hate the poor girl as much
as he had formerly loved her.
Our heroine could not but perceive this, which, together
with the thoughts of owing a considerable sum to her land-
lady for board and lodging, and for which she had been more
than once solicited, gave her some unpleasant moments,
which even the natural liveliness of her temper could not at
all times dissipate.
As she sat one morning ruminating upon these ideas, a
note was brought to her in the following words: "Colonel
H—-'s compliments to Miss D —, would be exceedingly
happy if she will grant him an hour's conversation this eve-
ning, after the play is over." Our heroine, seeing a servant in
genteel livery waiting for an answer, imagined this billet could
come from no person of mean circumstances; and as she was
now really destitute of money, and her landlady become very
troublesome, began to think that it would be the best way to
recruit herself by disposing of that commodity which had
been so much wished for by more than one, but no price, in
her own estimation, offered any way equal to the value of the
purchase. With these thoughts in her head she returned for
answer that she should be happy to see the colonel at the
During the whole time of that evening's performance our
heroine's eyes were cast round the whole theatre in hopes of
seeing her admirer. Her lovely bosom heaved with thoughts
of a different kind from what she ever before experienced, but
yet could not fix upon any particular person in the house to
whom she might ascribe the note sent her in the morning.
Her curiosity was wound up to the highest pitch; in short,
she never spent so disagreeable an evening.
At last the time came. The fair one hurried home, threw
off her theatrical dress, and attired herself in the most en-
gaging dishabille. Her lovely blue eyes languishing with
desire, and her snowy bosom half exposed to view, could not,
she thought, fail of captivating any beholder; her thoughts
were of the most pleasing kind. Anticipating the arrival of a
charming, youthful lover, she studied to set herself off to
the best advantage.
At length the wished-for hour arrived; a knock at the door
was heard; she ran herself to open it, when, lo! How great
her disappointment, instead of an amorous, impatient, lovely
youth ready to spring into her arms —the fond idea she had
cherished —she beheld coming into the room a decrepid old
man, who, as soon as he was seated, began to open his busi-
ness in the following manner: "Your condescension, madam,
in permitting me the honour of this visit, has made me
Our heroine was not sufficiently recovered from her aston-
ishment to make him any answer. The antiquated lover
pursued his discourse: "From the first moment I saw you,
loveliest of women, I found I passionately loved." It would tire
the reader to repeat the conversation that ensued.
The colonel said that he knew of her situation, and very
gallantly offered to extract her, on the simple condition of
residing at H— Hall, where she should be her own mistress;
and, to avoid the insinuations of a malicious world, should
pass for the housekeeper's niece; at the same time frankly
confessing, "he was not able to pay his devoirs properly at
the altar of Venus, therefore he hoped the lovely maid would
have no objection to his proposal"; accompanying his solicita-
tions with a pretty weighty purse. This last argument had more
effect on the mind of our heroine than anything the colonel
had hitherto said.
After revolving in her mind the difference between a starv-
ing actress and living in a house, though with a debilitated old
lover, and under the character of his mistress, of the two evils
she determined to choose the last; and, therefore, consented
to his urgent entreaties, and it was agreed that the colonel's
coach should receive her the following day.
We will pass over in silence the consternation of the
dramatic heroes and heroines when they heard of the de-
parture of their lovely and beautiful companion, whom we
now behold an inmate of H — Hall; in which situation she
was mightly contented for a short time. It might be here
thought necessary to inform the reader why the colonel, who
so readily confessed to our fair one that it was not for the
sake of sacrificing at the altar of love that he wished to per-
suade her to go to H — Hall, it was more on this account —
the colonel was ambitious that the world should think he was
not so debilitated as was generally supposed, and that it
should be said he had one of the finest girls in the kingdom
then in keeping.
We will now return to our heroine, who, in a few months
after her arrival at H — Hall, began to wish for a change in
situation. She had heard much praise of London, and imagined,
with a great deal of truth, that her lovely person would not
long remain in that gay metropolis unnoticed. Being naturally
of a warm constitution, Miss Polly, in reality, sighed to taste
of those joys of which she has yet only an idea, and was firmly
resolved that it should not be long before she parted with that,
which, in her present situation, was a torment to her, though
in general reckoned a blessing and a virtue.
The colonel had not been at all niggardly to his lovely
mistress, but what he had bestowed upon her was chiefly for
the decoration of her lovely person. The purse, the first
present he had made her, was now almost exhausted. This
made our heroine determine that at the first opportunity every
possible means should be taken to fill it again, or to get an-
other, and then to set out for London.
One night when the cloth was taken away after supper, the
colonel and Polly being tete-a-tete, she thought it a proper
time to begin her manoeuvres, as she well knew her old lover
had that day received a great quantity of that valuable de-
sideratum, some of which she hoped to obtain.
"My dear Sir, you seem a little fatigued; your tenants were
so troublesome to you this morning!"
"Indeed, my love, I am; but I have not forgotten you. That
parcel on the table is yours, my charming girl; so are these
stockings; do, my dear, permit me to draw a pair on those
charming limbs. Come, put your pretty foot upon my knee."
Polly did as she was directed. The colonel placed the candle
on the floor, that his optics might be more capable of seeing
his way; he could not help placing his withered hand above
her knee. The touch was ecstatic — the stocking was forgotten —
his pulse beat quick, and his whole frame shook; and while his
rude hand advanced Polly grasped the purse, which the
colonel in his agitation had left upon the table.
"Put it in your pocket, angelic woman!" were now the only
words the trembling colonel could articulate.
As Polly removed her foot from the colonel's knee, one of
her snowy breasts came in contact with his face. "Oh, heaven!"
He said no more, and absolutely fainted. Polly was frightened,
but her fears were soon dissipated when she saw her lover
open his eyes.
"My charmer, I feel new vigour; suffer me to come to your
At a reasonable time the impatient lover approached to
what he hoped would be the chamber of bliss. Polly was a
most irresistible figure, shrouded only in her chemise. The
colonel had used the most stimulating provocatives, and it
must be confessed that he had acquired a greater share of
vigour than he had possessed for many years before, and was,
with a little assistance, able to wage war with a willing
but our heroine was fully determined that her virginity should
not be sacrificed at this time; having determined very shortly
to bestow it on some more worthy votary of the Cyprian
As a merchant worth one hundred thousand pounds some-
times loses the whole in an hour, through the fickleness of
one deity; so, by the precipitancy of another, did our old
hero in one moment find himself robbed of all that store of
manhood which had been accumulating for years back. Polly
played off an evolution which answered her purpose, and
which appeared as a perfect accident. The particulars our in-
variable modesty prevents us giving. Often since, however,
has this charming girl, when her spirits were enlivened with
the juice of the exhilarating bowl, related to her enraptured
lovers the particulars of this entertaining scene. The
of description and the warmth of colouring were expressed
in such an animated style that her astonished auditors for the
time believed the lovely narrator to be moved by the spirit.
Our heroine had now, by the recent bounty of the colonel,
sufficient to defray her expenses to town, as well as something
to subsist on whilst there. She therefore determined to engage
a place in the stage coach, which passed by H — Hall every
day. This being done, and having conveyed as many of her
clothes as she conveniently could to a cottage bordering on
the high road, she fixed a time for her departure. We will not
relate the means taken to get away from H— Hall unob-
served, or the consternation that ensued there when it was
discovered that the housekeeper's niece had eloped; but must
hasten to our heroine, who is now with a gay young barrister,
the only other passenger in the coach, on the direct road to
the great metropolis.
It cannot be supposed that this limb of the law could coolly
observe the exquisite loveliness of his companion; he soon
entered into conversation with her, and if he before admired
the beauties of her person, he was now not less charmed with
the brilliancy of her wit. Finding she was not averse to love,
he plied her with the kind of language which a man that is
long acquainted with the world knows how to use with suc-
cess. Our heroine was quite captivated with him, and as night
grew on, suffered him to take a few liberties, which might
have alarmed the delicacy of a more modest woman, but Miss
Polly thought no harm in granting. The natural warmth of
our heroine's constitution could not long resist the ecstatic
dalliance which ensued without discovering those pal-
pitations which to the feelings of a lover and a seducer
are so delightful. Her watchful companion soon perceived
that the wished-for moment had arrived, and without any
further ceremony daringly advanced to the centre of
earthly joy. Modesty, or rather mock-modesty, gently resisted.
It is well-known that in love resistance, instead of
inflames the passions to a greater degree. This was the case
with our successful pleader, for his presumption, had no
sooner thrown his fellow-traveller wholly in his power than
a large stone in the road upset his most devout intentions,
and had he been on horseback, it might have been said that
he was fairly tossed out of the saddle.
This sad discomfiture —attended with other little incidents,
which we must omit describing, induced the barrister to make
a speech on the inconveniences of stage coaches, in the
conclusion of which he moved that the trial should be put
off till their arrival in London.
(Continued on page 112)
She lay all naked in her bed,
And I myself lay by;
No veil, but curtains there were spread,
No covering but I.
Her head upon her shoulder seeks
To lean in careless wise;
All full of blushes were her cheeks,
And wishes in her eyes.
The blood still flushing in her face,
As on a message came;
To show that in another place,
It meant another game.
Her cherry lips, soft, sweet, and fair,
Millions of kisses crown;
Which, ripe and uncrop't, dangled there,
And weigh'd the branches down.
Her breast that lay full swell'd and high,
Bred pleasant pain in me;
For all the world I did defy,
For that felicity.
Her thighs and belly white and neat,
To me were only shown;
To have seen such meat, and not to have eat,
Would've anger'd any stone.
Her thighs lay up, but gently bent.
And all was hollow under,
As if, on easy terms, they meant
To fall unforc'd asunder.
Just so the Cyprian queen did lie,
Expecting in her bow'r,
When too long time the boy did stay
Beyond his promis'd hour.
Dull clown, said she, dost thou delay
This proffer'd bliss to take;
Can'st thou not find some other way,
Similitude to make?
Mad with delight, I thundered in,
And threw my arms about her;
But pox take it, it prov'd a dream,
I wak'd and — without her.
A countryman and his wife travelling met some gypsies on
the road. The peasant, thinking to put a joke on those strag-
gling persons, said to one of them, "You black devil, can you
tell me my fortune?" "Yes, that I can," answered she. "Give
me your hand." He did so. Having examined it a few minutes,
"It is not long ago," she said, "that your wife made you a
cuckold." The wife hearing her say so said, "The devil take
these gypsies, they know everything!"
In Scotland the women call the pillows of their beds "cods."
An Englishman on his travels there one night on going to bed
the maid of the house came in to take away the candle, asked
him, "how his 'cods' lay, whether they were easy?" He on
hearing these words, thinking the girl to be a whore, called
her all the bad names he could think of; and would not for
a long time be persuaded to patience, or think her any
other than a strumpet.
A certain friar, being taken in the fact of great familiarity
with a man's wife, was much blamed for the same, and showed
the danger of breaking the seventh commandment, to which
the cunning friar answered, "It is not said that T shall not
commit adultery, but that 'thou' shall not commit adultery."
A Papist and a Quaker travelling through a plain where a
cross was erected, the Papist very devoutly bowed to it, which
so inflamed the zeal of the honest Quaker, that he told the
Papist with much indignation, "He might as well bow to the
gallows, because they were both made of wood." To which
the Papist replied, "Why, then, in way of salute, may not you
as well kiss your wife's arse as well as her mouth, seeing that
they are both made of the same material."
Two actors on the stage having in their comedy appointed
a place of meeting, one asked the other "Where it should
be?" The other being a little absent, and having forgot
his part, looked round to the upper gallery, and seeing a
young fellow groping a girl under the apron he said to
his companion, pointing to the place, "Let it be at the 'Hand
and Placket.'" The young man finding himself discovered,
suddenly drew back his hand, to whom the player said,
"Nay, pray sir, do not take away your hand; for if you pull
away the sign, you disappoint us of our meeting place,"
A lively female of about sixteen years of age being asked,
whether her maidenhead was "within" her or "without" her,
answered, "within her." "Then," said he, "you are 'without'
A maidenhead, a thing I know not what,
Some say 'tis this, and others say 'tis that;
'Tis a noun, adjective! I'll make it good;
'Tis neither seen, felt, heard, nor understood.
Lady Bridget L— said the most difficult appointment at
court was that of a "maid" of honour.
Mrs. Drummond, the famous preacher among the Quakers,
being asked by a gentleman if the "spirit" had ever inspired
her with the thoughts of marriage, "No, friend," says she, "but
the 'flesh' often has."
CHOICE LETTERS FROM THE GREEK
L — Eyrtion to Dictus
Distracted between joy and grief I write the following lines
you: I was yesterday at my old recreation of fishing by the
seaside, and as I was drawing a thundering fish out of the
water, so very large that it made my rod crack again, behold,
there comes up to me a pretty damsel, with a lovely mixture
of roses and lilies in her cheeks, tall and straight as a cedar
that likes the ground it grows in.
Thought I to myself, I am a lucky dog today; fortune favours
me in both elements, and now I am like to get a better prize
on land than I drew just now out of the water.
"Honest friend," cries she, "I conjure you by Neptune to
look after my clothes a little, while I wash myself in the sea."
This request, you may imagine, was not unwelcome to me,
because it would give me an opportunity to see something.
She had no sooner thrown off her rigging, but, good heavens!
there was a sight enough to have spoiled the most virtuous
resolutions of the severest philosopher; from between her
hair, which was of a lovely black, and flowed down her
shoulders in great quantity, I discovered a pair of rosy cheeks,
and an ivory neck, that wholly possessed me with admiration
and surprise; both these colours were in the highest perfec-
tion, but they derived no little agreement from the neigh-
bourhood of the black.
To return to our nymph: She had no sooner undressed but
she plunged foremost into the waves. The sea was as smooth
as a bowling green, and when she appeared above the water,
had I not seen her before, I durst have sworn she had been
one of the Nereids of whom the poets tell us so many stories.
When she had washed as long as she thought fit, out she came,
and from such a sight as this our painters, I suppose, were
instructed how to draw Venus rising out of the sea. I im-
mediately ran to my lovely damsel to deliver her her clothes,
and when she was so near me could not forbear to touch her
bubbles, &c. But to see what ill fate attends me. The young
gypsy blushed and frowned at me; but even her very anger
became her; it gave a fresh lustre to her beauty, and her eyes
darted lightning at me. Then in her indignation she broke
my rod, flung my fish into the sea, and ran away from me as
fast as her legs could carry her. Imagine in what a confusion
she left me. I lamented the loss of what I had taken with so
much pain, but the loss of her, whom I had as it were in my
hands, afflicted me infinitely more. This disappointment in
short so mortifies me that I dare no longer trust myself with
the cruel idea of it.
II.-Philochorus to Polyenus
Last week Hippias and I were taking a turn in the park, when
on a sudden he thus accosted me: "Friend," says he, "pr'ythee
mind that lady yonder, that leans upon her maid's arm. How
tall! How straight! How well featured she is! By heavens, she
is a miracle of a woman! Let us e'en cross the walk, and accost
"Why," replied I to him, "you are mad, I think. Unless I am
mistaken in her outside, she is a woman of virtue, and conse-
quently no game for such as you and I; but if you are resolved
to proceed, let us view her a little more distinctly before we
board her, for I love to look about me before I leap."
My companion fell a laughing as if he had been distracted,
and striking me gently on the shoulder, "Thou art a novice,"
said he, "I find in these affairs. Take it from me, all the
women in the world are made of sinful materials; one may
have more hypocrisy than another, but if you put it home to
her, I'll engage you'll find her true flesh and blood. But,
you are a perfect stranger to the town intrigues, otherwise
how could you imagine that any woman of honour would be
walking here at this time of the day, and dart her glances so
artfully on all she meets? Pr'ythee observe, how she plays
with her necklace, how shyly she steals her pretty hand out
of her glove; and if she went to reform some disorder in her
dress, how dexterously she discovers her breasts. From these
and a thousand other indications I conclude that this lady will
not let a man sigh at her feet in vain. But, what is more con-
vincing, I now tipped the wink at her, and she as kindly re-
turned it; therefore let us go and board the vessel, for I dare
engage she will make no resistance."
He had no sooner spoke these words, but he makes directly
to the prize above-mentioned, and finding a fit opportunity,
he thus made his addresses to her: "I swear by your beauty,
the most sacred oath to me that can be, you have made your-
self in a moment the absolute sovereign of my heart; and if
you please to order that eavesdropping maid of yours to
retire to some distance, I have something to communicate to
you which perhaps you will not be displeased to hear."
She accordingly commanded her attendant to file off, when
the other in this manner pursued his discourse —"As I know
that love is no cameleon, to live upon air, I am not so un-
reasonable as to demand any favours of you gratis, and on the
other hand, madam, I am sure that you are too conscientious
to put too high a price on them. Gold, you know, may be too
dearly bought; but I hope you will comply with the running
market price. I have, madam, two things to plead for me,
vigour and wealth; but I would, by my good will, husband
both of them so as to make them hold out —come, give me
The lady's eyes sufficiently declared the consent of her
heart, she stood still and blushed, and such a beautiful red
streaked her cheeks as we find in the heavens when the sun
is just setting. When my friend found the bargain as good as
struck, he turned about to me, and said — "What do you think
now of my skill in these affairs? You would have dissuaded
me, forsooth, from this expedition, but now you see how I
have succeeded; for at the expense of a few words and a little
time I have brought the nymph to surrender. You, alas, are
such an heretic as to believe there are women in the world
above flattery, corruption, and bribery; but you are in a
damned mistake. Follow me, and I will show you some sport;
but in the meantime take this for granted, that there is no
garrison so strong, and no woman so obstinately virtuous,
but by one practice or other both may be brought to take a
III.-Lamprias to Philippides
You remember me troubled with all the symptoms of love,
and desire to know how I got cured of it. I used to enter-
tain my passion in the fields and solitary groves, which,
instead of abating, grew every day fiercer, and raged with
more violence in my breast. As I walked by the purling
streams, May Cupid, said I, and his mother, for they, and
only they, knew what torments I languish under, give me
courage enough to make a declaration of my passion, which
hitherto I have stifled within me. As love has transfixed with
his darts this tender breast of mine, so I hope he will in
same manner treat the fair insensible who has given me so
many cruel inquietudes.
One day it happened that after I had amused myself with
these contemplations in the woods, I found I had resolution
enough to venture on an interview with my mistress. I went
accordingly to her home and had a long conversation with her,
wherein I found the beauties of her mind to be not at all in-
ferior to those of her face. Her looks wore all the bewitching
marks of the most agreeable innocence. I admired her hand,
the whitest and softest in the world —I viewed, with sacred
horror, those killing eyes, that penetrate quicker and deeper
than lightning. To complete my ruin, she showed me a de-
licious pair of breasts, as it were by accident, on which the
god of love himself would be proud to recline his head. All
this while my tongue was tied with a religious awe, and I had
not assurance enough to acquaint her with my pain; however,
I was very intent upon my mental devotion, and prayed to
Cupid, that since he knew my imbecility so well, which I
wholly imputed to himself, he would so effectually touch my
mistress's heart, that she of her own accord should own her
affection for me. I had no sooner concluded these pious
ejaculations but I found the god had heard my prayers; for
my mistress, who looked so coy and demure at my first com-
ing into the room, on the sudden smiled very graciously upon
me, and gently squeezed me by the hand, and then, no longer
able to conceal the vehemence of her desires, she impressed
so warm a kiss upon my lips that I was in good hopes the
seal would never have parted from the wax; all the sweet
of Arabia the Happy, all the fragrant odours of the Eastern
world, all the blooming beauties of the spring, and the in-
cense that is offered on the altars of our gods comes in-
finitely short of the natural sweetness of her breath. But
here I will stop my narration, for what need I trouble myself
to send every particular to you, who are old enough to imag-
ine them of yourself? Only this I will add, that we strove all
night long which of us should express their love in the most
emphatieal manner, and that that saucy intruder sleep
found us to well employed to offer to interrupt us.
ANTIQUITY OF HARLOTS
The practice of female prostitution has prevailed among all
nations from the earliest antiquity to the present day. In
ancient times, the persons and professions of prostitutes were
held in the highest respect, even by magistrates, princes,
priests, and philosophers. They were looked upon as a useful
and necessary body, devoted to the public service. A connex-
ion with them was not held to be a crime, nor was it, from the
advantage of primitive cleanliness, often attended with the
modern ill consequences.
By going as far back as the times of Judah, we shall surely
be thought to have dipped deep enough into antiquity; and
by having recourse to those holy books, which are read every
week for our instruction, we may depend upon the soundness
of the doctrine.
The patriarch Judah (38th chapter of Genesis) then, who
was to be the father of so many generations of the faithful,
seeing a comely damsel by the way-side, and the spirit moving
within his fleshly tabernacle, prayed that he might come in
into her. She, who appeared to be a harlot, because she had
covered her face, immediately, as a necessary preliminary
in the course of business, demanded her fee; which by mutual
agreement was to be a kid. We find not, in any part of the
text, that this meretricious transaction is to be looked upon
as sinful. We are, moreover, taught that the whores of those
very early ages were, for sufficient reasons no doubt, just as
eager to obtain "the money first" as they are at present, and
that covering the face was a mark of the profession. Everyone
must remember to have read with what honour and distinc-
tion the harlot Rahab was treated by that pious robber and
cut-throat Joshua; though it is not particularly said that the
judge, like his ancestor Judah, bargained also for a "stroke."
Nor were the ladies then a whit behind those of the present
time in the knowing blandishments of their profession, as we
may find by the many cautions against their seductive arts,
dispersed up and down in different parts of the scripture.
Mary Magdalen, having spent her youth and beauty in this
way of life, was afterwards reclaimed, and kept "good com-
pany." The Egyptian saint, young Mary, prostituted herself
"to raise the wind" for a passage to Jerusalem, on a pilgrimage;
and afterwards "spent chastely" forty years in the desert with
We are told by Herodotus, that even the daughters of
kings were accustomed to trade upon their "own bottoms,"
for the pious purpose of building or endowing temples, with-
out ever suffering any degradation of character in conse-
The whores of ancient days were patronised and respected
by heroes and great men, as well sacred as profane. If we are
more reserved in these latter days, and they are not held in
such high estimation as of old, we still cannot avoid an
acknowledgment of their indispensable use; and have nu-
merous and illustrious instances to adduce of strong pre-
dilections for them. The holy successors of St. Peter draw a
considerable part of their revenue from a tax upon the order
of prostitutes. The attachment of the famous Marshal Saxe,
to the very lowest class of the daughters of Venus, is well
known; one of whom continued passionately devoted to him
to the last moments of his life.
THE WELSH CURATE AND HIS DAME
In Wales, where a curate is frequently obliged to main-
tain a family upon a salary of less than twenty pounds a
year, the lower order of clergy are generally under the
necessity of stooping to less sacred employments than
preaching, and frequently to manual labour itself, in order
to increase their scanty pittance.
The reader, no doubt, has heard or read of instances-of
this kind, where an honest, worthy curate has been com-
pelled to go out a hedging or ditching for fourteenpence a
day, whilst the rector, who makes his charge a perfect sinecure,
spends a salary of three or four hundred pounds per annum
in London, at the distance of nearly as many hundred miles
from his flock, about whose welfare he is little, or rather, not
solicitous. Peter Tuckle was a priest of the former class; his
salary amounted to little better, so that having a wife and
small children to support, he was compelled either to hit upon
some method of increasing his store, or else to sit down
tamely and starve. Now the latter is at best but a very sorry
and disagreeable business; Peter, therefore, very wisely re-
solved to have nothing to do with it if he could possibly help
it; and accordingly, having a natural turn for the farming
business, cultivated a little plot of ground, reared cabbages
and potatoes, and kept fowls and geese; whilst his wife em-
ployed herself in spinning, knitting stockings, &c.
Peter found his farming turned to better account than his
sacerdotal employments. He was enabled to send pullets and
new laid eggs to market, and as the money came in, gradually
added to his live as well as dead stock; so that in a few years
Peter was enabled to take a larger farm, and not only aug-
mented the number of his cocks and hens, but made likewise
a purchase of a cow and a couple of goats, with sundry other
valuable acquisitions. Now, there is an old Latin saying which
Sine Cerere et Baccho frigit Venus;
which saying we will venture to reverse, by observing, that
wherever the two former abound, Venus, instead of growing
heavy and phlegmatic, is apt to grow wanton and rampageous.
Peter swigged in large supplies of Cornish ale, but his wife be-
gan to grow too exorbitant in her demands, and poor Peter
found himself wholly inadequate to the measures of her wants.
One Sunday afternoon Peter, with his dame, sat regaling
themselves over a mug of nut-brown ale, and looking out
at the window at the cocks and hens that were strutting up
and down the yard before Peter's house. Now Peter had
lately purchased a bantam cock, that played the very devil
with all the hens; no sooner down than up again; and in this
manner he took them all one after the other, by turns.
"My dear," quoth Peter's wife, "do you observe what a
notable cock this is for business?"
Peter made no reply, any further than by nodding his head,
as he was at the time smoking his pipe.
"My dear," repeated his wife, "how is it that this cock can
be so notable among the hens, and yet he has nothing to show
for it? Pr'ythee, love, explain the matter to me.
"Our bantam-cock treads every hen.
The yard holds just a score and ten,
Yet still he romps with great and small.
Now it has perplex'd my brain,
And for my soul I can't make out,
How bantam brings the thing about,
Or how he treads the hens at all —
Will you, my dear, the cause explain?"
Peter was sorely put to it by this question from his wife.
However, after taking two or three whiffs of his pipe, he
began a learned dissertation upon the organization of brute
and human bodies; concluding with this observation----
"Fowls, from the eagle to the wren,
Are harnessed otherwise than men;
Within his own warm entrails pent,
This bantam keeps his what d'ye call?
His engine, which he plays withal.
Else it might chance be torn and rent
By ugly briars, thorns and brambles,
As through the fields and woods he rambles;
And 'tis by keeping it so warm
He can such feats of love perform."
Peter's wife listened to this physical explanation with
"If that be the case, my dear, I wish you would make use
of your bowels for the like purpose."
Poor Peter shook his head at this speech, then clapping
his hand upon his belly—"Indeed, dame, this belly of mine
was made for other purposes —to be lined with roast pork,
capon, and good ale; nor is there room in. it for a single wheat
"Then let me provide you with room," replied his dame.
Peter arose and followed his wife into the bed-chamber.
A remarkable hard drinker, who was expiring, begged one
of his friends who was at his bedside, to bring him a goblet of
water, telling him, "On our death-beds we must be recon-
ciled with our enemies."
Sir Robert Bell eating of oysters, and meeting with one
that was a good deal tainted, began to smell it. "Are you
stinking?" says he. "By Jove, you shall not escape so, for
1*11 make you stink worse before you and I part." So saying
he swallowed it.
A REMARKABLE LOVE LETTER
The following letter was found onboard a ship in the Downs,
with tobacco rolled in it.
Lovin der Charls— This with my kind lov to yow, it to
tell yow, after all our sport an fon I um like to pay fort, for
j am with child, and wereof my sister Nan knos it, and calls,
me hore and bech, and is redy to ter my sol owt, and curs
Jack Seny kices her evry time he cums ashore, and the saci
dog wold have lade with me to, but i wold let him, for I wold
be alwais honest to yow, therefor, der Charls cum ashor, and
let us be marred to save mi virtu, and if you have no moni,
I will paun mi nu stais and sell mi to new srooks you gave me,
and that will pay the parson and find us a dinner, and pray
der der Charls cum ashor, and done be afraid for wont of a.
ring for i have stole our Nans, and the nasty tode shant never
have it mor for she tells me I am go in to hav a basterd, and
god bles yowr lovin sol cum ashor, and let us get marred
accorden to yower promis, and i will be yowr dear vertus
wife till deth.
Pray dont let yowr mesmat Jack see this, if yow do, he'l
tel our Nan and shel ter my hert owt then.
RAPTURES OF A NIGHT
Ye Gods! The raptures of that night!
What fierce convulsions of delight!
How in each other's arms involv'd,
We lay confounded, and dissolv'd!
Bodies mingling, sexes blending,
Which should most be lost contending;
Darting fierce, and flaming hisses,
Plunging into boundless blisses;
Our bodies and our souls on fire,
Tost by a tempest of desire;
'Till with the utmost fury driv'n,
Down, at once, we sunk to heav'n.
HOW MARIA GOT
A NEW PAIR OF GARTERS
I was just eighteen, and had been in Paris a week. Paris!
To me a strange delightful place —with manners and customs
so free, easy, and uncontrolled, compared to what I have
seen in Birmingham, where I have passed nearly all my life.
Well, I lived in a little avenue branching from the Rue Saint-
Honore —a street resembling the Strand in London —here
a friend had taken a lodging for me; and I went out and in
just as I liked. The apartments at public hotels are generally
kept in order by the garcon, but I being a stranger was
waited upon by the maid servant, the niece of the landlady,
who I call Maria, simply because it sounds easier than the
confounded French Marie. As I had nothing particular to do,
I passed my time in sauntering about nearly all day, seeing
what was to be seen in the gay city. When I came in at night
I found the bed made and the room tidied up. The house —
although three stories —was comparatively empty. The lower
part being occupied by my landlady, on the first floor there
was none but myself—on the upper portion —an old Italian
artist, and a little French woman, a widow.
One afternoon, whilst walking in the Champs Elysees, a
woman accosted me in broken English, and asked me if I
wanted to purchase some "funny pictures." As I felt rather
curious to know what she had to dispose of, I asked her to
show them to me; and I can safely affirm that I never saw such
things before or since. The cool easy sang froid with which
she exhibited them I shall never forget. Of course, the reader
will understand that they were not precisely the style of en-
gravings you would cover your office screen with, or paste
inside your sister's prayer book. I purchased of the old hag
a small book filled with these plates for two francs, being
glad to get rid of her, and then hurried home, and rushing
upstairs was about to enter my apartment, intending there to
examine my purchase. The room was all in a disturbance,
and I paused at the door, for I heard someone inside mutter-
ing "Sacre-diable-peste." &c, and peeping through the crack
of the door I saw the little French girl, who, with her back
towards me, was busily engaged hunting for one of those
essentials to a French lodging-house — a flea.
What a hunt—what a rummage there was. I am married
now, and father of a goodly stock of matrimonial fruit; and,
of course, have seen many a flea-hunt since then, but never
shall I forget that of the little French girl, how she tossed
clothes up, around, and about her. Finally, the villanous insect
was caught, and a snapping, cracking sound, with the finger
and thumb upon the edge of the table, proclaimed that the
rude little vagabond had hopped out of this world.
With her back still towards me, I found that her troubles
were not over, for her garter had become untied. Unconscious
of my presence, she gave herself plenty of room to fasten it
comfortably. The view to me was pleasing—for what is more
pleasing than a pretty foot and nicely turned ankle. If the
reader thinks I acted wrong, I am sure he will forgive me when
he remembers that I was only eighteen, and the girl about
my own age. There she stood, with her tiny foot upon a chair,
her small ankle, well rounded calf, neat white stocking, and
her garter —a ragged one, by the by —plainly shown in the
large looking glass that faced her. Pulling down the stocking,
she commenced scratching her plump little calf, the red mark
left by the nasty flea showing plainly upon her white skin.
I don't know how long I should have stood looking, but the
confounded door (reader, whenever you go upon a love
excursion, always oil the door) creaked on its hinges. Maria
turned round, and seeing me, blushed, as I believe any and
every woman would have done, English, French, German, or
American. Before she could say one word, I seized her round
the waist and kissed her two or three times. In the confusion
the little picture book I had purchased fell upon the ground.
In stooping to pick it up Maria broke away from me; not,
however, before she had seen a portion of its contents, and
evidently annoyed, she rushed out of the room.
The next day I bought a very beautifully worked pair of
garters, intending to present them to Maria, but it was nearly
a week before I again caught her in my room. Upon my doing
so I told her that I thought she wore very unbecoming garters,
and produced those I had purchased, told her those only
were fit for such a pretty leg as she had, and that she should
have them provided I was permitted to put them on. She
looked very mysterious, then laughed, and snatched one of
them out of my hands. I was advancing towards her when
there was a slight tap at the door, and before I could recover
from my confusion she seized the other garter, and laughing
rushed out of the room upstairs to her own apartment. Her
room being immediately over mine I could hear her rapping
upon the floor and laughing at having conquered me. To
add to my mortification I could not find who it was had
disturbed me by knocking at the door. Two or three times in
the course of the day I saw Maria, and upon each occasion
she laughed at me, and once, whilst talking to her aunt, she,
unseen by her, shook the garters at me. At supper time she
inquired, to the surprise of her aunt, if she knew where
M. Larpour, the name of the maker of the garters, lived, as a
person of that name had been inquiring in the neighbourhood
about some goods which had wrongly been delivered. It
needed not this last piece of raillery to confirm me in a de-
termination I had made to have my revenge, which I executed
after the following fashion.
I mentioned that Maria's room was immediately over mine,
and that in the afternoon she went upstairs to change her
dress. The door of this room I knew remained unlocked dur-
ing the day time, accordingly, watching my opportunity when
the house was quiet, taking off my shoes, coat, and vest, I
slipped upstairs, as I thought unseen, and concealed myself
in a closet in Maria's room. After about half-an-hour's fearful
suspense in waiting, I heard her upon the stairs, and almost
immediately after she entered the room. Unconscious of there
being anyone in the apartment she commenced removing her
clothes, and had taken off her gown when suddenly she
recollected something she had left in the closet.
Her astonishment may be better imagined than described
when I jumped from the closet upon her. She struggled vio-
lently, and in the confusion the chair fell down.
'Tor heaven's sake," she exclaimed, 'leave the room, my
aunt will be here directly, and should she find you here, I am
The words had scarcely escaped her when I heard footsteps
outside the door, and someone trying to open it. I rushed
to it for the purpose of preventing their entrance, whoever
it might be; but before I could do so it was opened, and a
female attempted to come into the apartment. It was not
Maria's aunt, but the lodger in the storey above. So plucking
. up courage I forced her from the door; Maria crouching be-
hind it so as not to be seen. At the same time I said —"You
cannot come in, madame, a gentleman —a friend of mine —is
"It's no gentleman you've in the room," she said, sharply,
"but a woman, and I know who it is."
The conversation had been in French, but I answered in-
stantly in good English, "I'm damned if you do"; and before
she could prevent me 1, laughing, seized her round the waist,
carried her upstairs, and deposited her upon her own bed.
I was leaving the room when she called out— "If you go
away in that manner I'll tell Maria's aunt all about the
Here was a pretty go! What was I to do? For a few more
sentences convinced me that Madame Dufour had been
an eavesdropper, and knew all about the garters. As I looked
at her the idea struck me that she would not have been
very unwilling to receive such a present. She was a pretty
black-eyed little French woman, apparently about thirty
years of age, with a countenance that betokened her any-
thing but one who tells tales out of school, or spoilt a bit
"So you'll tell Maria's aunt?" I said, advancing towards her,
"Yes," she replied, with a roguish leer, "unless you give me
something that will keep me quiet."
"A pair of garters, for instance," I continued.
"A fig for your garters! Give them to your silly girls. A
woman like me wants something better than garters," she
"Perhaps," I replied, "I cannot satisfy you; for you must
know I am only eighteen, and while I have been here I
have been rather extravagant."
"I will not put you to much expense," she answered. "I
should like something of genuine English manufacture. Some-
thing that I should be certain came from that country; and
as you are an Englishman you might oblige me."
I told her I felt flattered by her respect for my country.
"I have taken a great interest in you," she continued; "and
if you will stay here a short time I will give you some in-
structions that will be useful to you as long as you live. If
you pursue the path I put you in, you can never miss the road
to true happiness."
I found the widow as good as her word; and I believe,
sincerely, that all she preached she practised, for a better
instructress no man could wish for. She did not tell about
the garters; but before I left Paris I was so pleased with
Madame's tuition I thought it my duty to impart a portion
of the information I had received to my landlady's niece,
who, I trust, profited by-it.
THE DUKE OF QUEENSBURY,
THE MERRY MILLINER,
AND THE FRENCH LETTER
The Duke of Queensbury, celebrated in the latter part of
his life by the cognomen of "Old Q.," and famed for his
amatory propensities, when a very young man was in the
habit of parading the streets of London, very plainly attired,
in search of soft adventures.
One day, in passing through Cranbourn Alley, he was
struck all of a heap by the budding beauty and modest
demeanour of a young girl, apparently about sixteen, who sat
over her work in a milliner's shop. After walking to and fro
for near two hours, to his great joy, he saw her put on her
bonnet with the intention of going out. His lordship followed,
and at length succeeded in forcing her into a conversation;
and if he was at first charmed with her beauty, he was now no
less delighted with her witty though modest and reserved
On arriving at her place of destination, he with much
difficulty prevailed on her to grant him a meeting on the
succeeding evening, at the same time declaring that he had
long been enamoured of her, but had never till this moment
had an opportunity of declaring his passion; he assured her
that his family were of the first respectability, and that his
designs were perfectly honourable.
The next meeting paved the way for another, and that
for another, until at last she blushingly acknowledged that
his attentions were not disagreeable; and finally, that his
love was met with equal warmth; thus having gained her
heart by cautious degrees, he began to solicit other favours,
stating as a reason for not immediately making her his wife
that he was entirely dependent on an old uncle, with whom
he then resided, and would entirely withdraw his protection
and support should he marry without his consent, which it
would be useless to attempt, as money was his only deity,
but being near ninety years of age, the period of his death
should be the commencement of their happy union. But all
his Grace's arguments were vain; the fair milliner's virtue
One evening, after much persuasion he prevailed on her
to accompany him to the theatre, which being over, he urged
her to take some refreshment at a neighbouring tavern;
with much difficulty he conquered her repugnance, and she
consented to take a glass of wine. Triumphing inwardly at
his success, he immediately conducted her to a house of a
peculiar nature, kept by a creature of his own, and by whom
his Grace's views were perfectly understood; and being alone,
and assisted by the soul-inspiring wine, of which he had pre-
vailed on her to take a few glasses, he fell upon his knees,
and begged her then and there to make him happy. But vain
were his vows, sighs, tears, and protestations, the lady was
"Light of my soul!" said he. "Why thus obstinate? You
own that you love me, and you likewise know the barrier that
keeps me from the heaven of your arms, which once removed,
the church shall give its sanction to our loves. But shall I
guess the reason of your obstinate resistance —that blush
informs me that I am right —you dread the probable result —
you fear a living witness may be the consequence to publish
our raptures for the world."
He pressed her to his heart and whispered —"Speak,
love; confess; have I rightly read your thoughts?"
At length, warmed with kisses, and overcome by his en-
treaties, she acknowledged that could she be convinced no
danger would ensue, she might, in order to ensure his
The delighted Duke immediately taking out his pocket
book exclaimed —"Convinced you shall be and that without
the shadow of a doubt."
Thus saying, he produced from his pocket book one of
those very useful and ingenious inventions, well-known
by the name of "French Letters," or as they are called by
the vulgar in England, c —s, generally used by married
gentlemen to escape infection when they go astray. He
explained to her its use, and all objections over-ruled, his
Grace was happy! The blissful struggle over, he arose from
the sofa, the scene of his felicity, and to the great surprise
of his fair partner, burst into an immoderate fit of laughter.
On demanding the cause of such untimely mirth, so
immediately after the sacrifice she had just made, he ex-
claimed—"I cannot help it. See how the most cautious may
He opened his hand, and she beheld crumpled within it
the safe-guard, which she imagined to be in a very different
"I slipped it off, my love, ere I commenced; but do not
grieve," seeing her eyes bedewed with tears, "you shall
never regret your condescension."
"Alas! Your Grace; 'tis more for you than for myself I
"Indeed, Grace; what, am I then known to you?" cried
the astonished Duke.
"You are, indeed. I would have made you happy long be-
fore, but that I feared my secret would be known."
"How mean you? To what secret do you allude?"
"Why, Sir, if you really did remove the safe-guard, on which
alone I placed my whole dependence, your Grace will have
the most inveterate p — x that ever tormented a venturous
The tables were completely turned, and venting a curse
upon his late loved fair one, his Grace, completely chop-
fallen, left the house.
A JOSKIN'S IDEAS ABOUT "FUN"
There was a case tried on one of the Circuits many years
ago, it was the Northern, I think, but it matters little; we
tell the story literally as it was told to us. It was one of
cases, happily now much rarer than formerly, known as cases
of bestiality. A party connected with the rural districts had
carried his admiration of agricultural pursuits so far as to
form a loving intimacy with a pig. This piece of we doubt not
purely sympathetic enjoyment was witnessed by another
gentleman strongly resembling the prisoner, both in his out-
ward appearance, and not improbably in his tastes and mental
The examination proceeded something after this manner —
Crown Counsel— Then you saw this abominable con-
nexion between the prisoner at the bar and the animal?
Joskin— I dunnow 'bout 'proper kunnexion, but I saw 'un
(indicating the prisoner with a toss of his head) getting atop —
(Here the Counsel interposed irascibly with, "That will
Counsel— And you say you told it as a joke at the nearest
beerhouse, and so the matter came to be noticed?
Joskin —Yoy, aw did —and they laughed a power they did:
but Tummas he went and told Dan, Parson's man; and he
told 'un measter, and he told constable.
By the Court— Why, when you say that you were only on
the other side of the hedge while this abominable connexion
was going on, did you not interfere as any other Christian
man would have done, and pull the human brute away from
the other one? (No reply to this.)
Counsel— Don't you hear what his Lordship says? Why
didn't you pull the prisoner off the pig?
Joskin (very deliberately) —Whoy you see! Pig wornt
moy pig, and't wornt measter's pig; so it wornt not consarn
o' mine. I thowt it good foon!
Counsel (in great wrath) —Stand down, sir, I believe you
are as great a brute as either of the other brutes concerned
in the matter. "Good foon," indeed!
St. Stroakum's Hall was by no means one of the most cele-
brated among the colleges of the University of Camford;
indeed properly speaking, it was not a college. There were
three subjects, however, on which it prided itself reasonably
enough; the strength of the ale, the high character main-
tained by its men, both on the river and in the saddle, and
the leniency almost universally displayed by the principal,
Dr. Seebright. This leniency was, however, sometimes
sorely tried; as follows, for instance. Two young gentlemen,
Flewker and Bowles, went out on horseback for the good of
their health; the object being of course to relieve their brains
from the pressure of intense study, or peradventure from the
fumes arising from the wine party of the preceding night.
As a matter of course they did not slavishly confine them-
selves to the high road; and as Camford hacks are expected
to jump anything and everything, they had got pretty far
into the middle of farmer Goodlot's land, when they found
themselves "pounded" in a field with a high banked fence,
and a locked gate. To smash the padlock took a little time,
and when it was happily accomplished, up came farmer, ac-
companied by an aide-de-camp with a pitchfork, and a bull-
dog. How they conducted themselves in this emergency,
and the valuable information the worthy agriculturist received
respecting their names and colleges, may be judged from the
scene which took place in Dr. Seebright's study next day. It
appeared that the farmer, who was by no means such a fool
as he looked, knew where their horses came from, and ascer-
tained our gentlemen's names from the stable keeper, who
was a "pal" of his. Consequently Messrs. Flewker and Bowles
were surprised and considerably disgusted on being informed
that the principal wanted to speak to them in his study,
where, sure enough, they found farmer Goodlot in a highly
"Are these the two young gentlemen you were complaining
about?" asked Dr. S., eyeing the culprits sternly.
"Ay, ay, Sir," replied the farmer, "them's them, safe
enough; and when I asked them for their names and colleges,
that 'un," pointing to Bowles, "fust said his name was Tes-
ticulous Pendages,' or summat like that, and when I told 'un
that I didn't believe 'un, he said he was Dr. Seebright; and
I knew, Sir, as ow you was principal of St. Stroakum 'All,
and not likely to be up to such games."
"I should think not indeed," said the horrified dignitary.
"And the other genTman," continued the farmer, "said
his name was 'P'sterior Horrifus/ or something like that,
which I knew was a loy; and they smashed my gate, and they
thrashed my bulldog; and they offered my man Ben half-a-
crown to stick a pitchfork into me; and they swore and cu'st
till they gave me the guts-ache, and they wanted to know if I
had any good-looking daughters, because if I had—-"
"There, that will do, Mr. Goodlot," interrupted the princi-
pal, who didn't know what might be coming out next.
"Yes, your reverence," was the reply, "but the aggra-
vatingest thing was, that there genTman," pointing to Flewker,
"would keep on saying his name was T'sterior Horrifus!'
he keeps bawlin' out —very aggrawatin* that was —very!"
A RECEIPT FOR COURTSHIP
Two or three dears, and two or three sweets;
Two or three balls, and two or three treats;
Two or three serenades, given as a lure;
Two or three oaths, how much they endure;
Two or three messages sent in one day;
Two or three times led out from a play;
Two or three soft speeches made by the way;
Two or three tickets for two or three times;
Two or three love letters writ all in rhymes;
Two or three months keeping strict to these rules,
Can never fail making a couple of fools.
THE NEARER THE BONE
THE SWEETER THE FLESH
The reason is plain —why, honest Ned Hatton,
Who married five wives, wou'd ne'er choose a fat one.