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The Boudoir
No. 3



THE THREE CHUMS:
A TALE OF
LONDON EVERYDAY LIFE
(Continued from page 51)
CHAPTER V
The Sirens of Hyde Park
The reader can easily guess that Charlie felt considerably
enervated after the departure of the lecherous Mrs. Letsam.
He spent the day reading, and also wrote a letter to his father,
telling him how kind the Mortimers had been, and how he
liked his rooms, which they had taken for him. Retiring early
he was awakened from a sound slumber by warm moist im-
passioned kisses on his lips, and felt a soft lithe form nestling
close to his body, as he heard the whispered words— "Mr.
Warner, Charlie dear; I've come to return the visit you paid
me last night. It was so nice, I couldn't sleep by myself know-
ing you were all alone."
It was impossible not to respond to such a loving invitation.
"It's jolly of you, Fanny, coming into my bed like this, as
it proves you do care for me a little bit; I feel rather tired after
our fun of last night, so I mean to make you be the gentleman
this time; straddle over me and help yourself to the tit-bit
I know all the girls always long for; then I can lay on my back
and take it easy."
"I rather like your saying I made you tired," she laughed in
reply; "but you didn't know I saw her knock at your door this
morning, and listened and heard all your game together. But
I am not jealous, especially as I heard her say you might have
me as much as you liked, if you only pleased her in a certain
way. What was it, dear, I couldn't quite make out what
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you did with her; do tell me, there's a very nice darling?"
"It's a very curious taste, but nice to me; she doesn't care
for a man to have her in the ordinary way, she prefers to suck
his affair, and swallow every drop of the love juice when it
comes. How would you like that, Fan? It felt awfully nice
to me."
"Ugh! That must be nasty! What do you think? I once
had a girl sleep with me who would kiss and lick my crack,
and it made me feel so funny, but I wouldn't do it to her."
After this they got to business in earnest, Fanny, mounting
as directed, soon rode Charlie's rampant steed till she had
drawn the essence of life three times from his palpitating
loins, their mingled juices making quite a little flood round
the root of King Priapus. At length falling asleep in each
other's arms, they slept till daylight, and Fanny had to go away
about her domestic duties.
Having heard from his cousins what larks went on in the
parks at night, Charlie made up his mind to see it for himself,
and, having no particular engagement on Friday evening,
took a stroll as far as the Marble Arch, and turned into the
park, taking the path across towards Knightsbridge, arriving
at the drive which leads to the Serpentine, he walked along
the path observing the couples sitting on the seats kissing and
groping each other.
Presently near the gate he met a couple of young good-
looking girls, who as coolly as possible took him by the arm
on each side, "Come along with us, dear, and feel our soft
little fannys," said one.
Charlie made very little objection, and was soon sitting
on a rustic seat under the dark shadow of a big elm tree.
"How much are you going to give us, dear? My little sister
is too bashful to speak for herself; you know its always money
first in the park, we are so often bilked by mean fellows,
who can't afford a proper bit of kyfer."
Charlie gave each girl a shilling, with the promise of another
if they pleased him.
They were really young and pretty girls, such as the park
lecher seldom is lucky enough to pick up, the dark paths and
seats being mostly haunted by worn-out hags who cannot
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stand the illuminating ordeal of the gaslight of the streets.
It scarcely required the groping of a soft little hand inside
his unbuttoned trousers to raise all his usual fiery ardour.
Each girl (they were not more than thirteen and fifteen
respectively) put their arms round his neck and kissed him,
the eldest whispering —"You are a darling young fellow, so
different from the dirty old men we generally pick up here,
I should so like you to have me properly; my little sister
doesn't know what it is yet; she is only up to the tossing off
business, but I like the real thing, you know, when I can get
a proper young bit like you. We can only get out Tuesdays
and Fridays. Will you meet us on Tuesday, and go into the
Green Park; there you will see lots of fun, and can get out at
any time; in Hyde Park we get shut in, and have to climb
over the gate."
He could feel her give quite a shudder of desire as she
said this, whilst one of her hands began to play with his
appendages, at the same time as her little sister was delight-
fully manipulating the shaft above. They had slits in their
dresses, so that both of his hands found employment, ex-
ploring and groping on the one side the soft incipient moss
of the elder one's grot, as well as the hairless slit of her little
sister. The situation was altogether too piquante to last
many moments. The ecstatic crisis came almost instantly,
and he could also feel them both bedew his fingers with their
female tribute to the touches of love, which his roving fingers
made them feel so exquisitely.
Our hero was so pleased that he gave each one half-a-crown
as he kissed and took leave of them, promising to keep the
Tuesday's appointment at the same time.
"You are a darling," said the youngest, Betsy. "Won't we
keep ourselves for him, Sarah; we don't want much money,
do we?"
"No, that we will. I hate the nasty old men; we only do it
because mother can't keep the home over us unless we
bring in five or six shillings a week somehow," was the
rejoinder.
The girls left him, as they said, to go straight home, refusing
his offer to treat them to a drink outside the park.
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Sunday came, and with it the tea party at the pretty Misses
Robinson's in Store Street. His cousins called to take him
with them, and the loving greeting of the young milliners
was if anything even warmer than before. Bessie, the eldest,
the dark auburn beauty, seemed fairly to quiver with emotion
as she kissed him rapturously, whispering as she did so —
"You are my partner this evening, Mr. Warner."
"Nothing will please me better, Bessie, dear; for luscious
as I found pretty Rosa, your riper charms must be superior
to those of your little sister."
"I hear what you say, Mr. Charlie; just wait till I have a
chance to pay you for your broken promises of constancy to
me," laughed Rosa.
It is needless to say much about the conversation, &c,
during tea time, except that Charlie induced Bessie to feel
his manly instrument under the table as they sat side by
side over their orange pekoe.
After a little time spent in music and singing, the usual
turning down of the gas took place, and our hero soon found
himself and partner seated very cosily on a sofa in one of
the alcoves.
"How I have longed to caress you, Mr. Warner," sighed
Bessie, "for Rosa has done nothing but talk of her darling
Charlie ever since the last evening you were here, how
delightfully you pleased her, and what a splendid affair you
were favoured with; she seems to think of nothing but you,
as if you really belonged exclusively to her; but indeed,
Charlie, it has made me long to feel in person those thrill-
ing love strokes she must have enjoyed so much, what did
you do to please her so?"
"I can't remember just now what we did," Charlie re-
plied, "but no doubt as your mind is made up for a little
love sport we shall play very much the same game."
His lips met hers in a long luscious kiss, so exciting that
his Aaron's rod was as stiff as possible, whilst her bosom rose
and fell in palpitating heaves, and her arms pressed him to
her bosom.
Presently he slipped down on his knees, and his hands were
exploring the mysteries of her underclothing; her thighs
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opened readily at the slight pressure of his hand, and he was
soon in full possession of the centre of attraction, which he
found all glowing and humid from the effects of suppressed
desire.
"I must kiss this jewel of love," exclaimed Charlie, in a
quick sort of suppressed whisper; "my tongue will soon make
you feel all that Rosa so much enjoyed the other evening."
She inclined her body backwards, and gave up her person
entirely to his tongueing caresses, both her hands lovingly
pressing the top of his head, as he ravenously sucked the
very essence of her life, which she constantly distilled in
thick ambrosial drops under the voluptuous evolutions of
his busy tongue.
Deep-drawn sighs, too, well told of the intensity of her
feelings; she threw her legs over his shoulders, and squeezed
his dear face between her quivering thighs, till at length,
giving one long-drawn deep respiration of delight, he heard
her say softly —"Now, now, Charlie, love, let me have
him now; you have excited me so I can't wait another moment
for the supreme joys of the strokes of rapture I know you
are so well qualified to give."
No charger ever responded to the trumpet call quicker
than did our hero, his trenchant weapon was brought to the
present in less time than it takes to say so, and the head,
slowly entering between the well lubricated quivering lips
of her pouting love grot, was soon revelling in all the sweets
she so plentifully spent from her womb. What heaves and
sighs of excessive rapture followed this conjunction; each
seemed to dissolve in ecstasy over and over again, till ex-
hausted nature at last compelled them to call a halt.
They sat kissing and caressing each other in mutual
satisfied delight for some little time, till Frank was heard to
call out —"Don't you think it is time for a romp without
clothes?"
Harry and Charlie assenting at once, each youth slipped
off his garments, and assisted his partner to do the same, till
presently there was an indiscriminate groping and slapping
of bottoms, as an incentive to renewed exertions by the
young gentlemen, who were a little limp after their first
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exertions of love. Rosa somehow instinctively found Charlie.
"Now, Sir," she whispered in his ear, "you have to do
penance for saying the more mature charms of my sister must
be superior to mine."
She was holding his throbbing priapus, which she had
caught him by, and the touch of her hand seemed at once
to renew all its usual elan, he was ready for the charge in a
moment, and would have pushed her down upon a con-
venient sofa.
"No, no, not that way; I want to suck the last drop of its fra-
grant essence, whilst you treat me to the same pleasure. I don't
care to enjoy you the same way you have just had my sister."
Side by side on the sofa, with heads reversed, they sucked
each other's parts like two bees, till the last drop of the honey
of love had been extracted.
"Now you can go and try Annie, if you can find her in the
dark," said Rosa; "but I don't think you've much left for her."
"Let's go together to find her," whispered our hero, as he
took her round the waist, and they searched about till in
another recess they found all four of their companions, al-
most equally exhausted (not the ladies, for they were handling
and laughing at the futile endeavours of their champions to
respond to their amorous challenge). At length it was time
to dress, but some mischievous one had so mixed all the
apparel, they were compelled to invoke the aid of the
gas before any of them could resume their attire.
This luscious tableaux of nude figures completed the eve-
ning's amusements, and the young gentlemen took their
leave with promises of a renewed love feast in a day or two.
CHAPTER VI
Games in the Green Park, &c
Tuesday at the appointed time Charlie went alone to meet the
two little sirens of Hyde Park, and found Betsy and Sarah
true to their appointment.
After sitting down on a quiet seat for a few minutes, where
they enjoyed some kissing and groping, the two girls sug-
gested a remove across into the other park, and the trio were
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soon seated on a bench by the walk close to the railings which
divided the park from Constitution Hill.
"Now, " said Betsy, "I want a proper one, my dear. Sarah
will look out, so no one can surprise us, and if anyone sees
us through the railings it doesn't matter."
This was a matter sooner said than achieved, for Charlie
found the amorous Betsy so difficult to enter on account of
the narrowness of the passage, that she had to bite her lips
in suppressed agony from the pain of his attempt. But courage
effects everything, she was so determined to have ity that at
last he found himself most deliciously fixed in the tightest
sheath he had ever before entered, it was simply most volup-
tuous, the pressures of the girl's sheath on his delighted in-
strument made him come in a moment or two, then the
lubricant being applied things went easier, and a most luscious
combat ensued. Betsy was perfectly beside herself with
erotic passion, whilst the elder Sarah, instead of standing
on guard as she ought to have done, handled his shaft and
appendages in her soft hand till the excitement was more
than he could bear, making him actually scream with pleasure
at the moment of emitting. They repeated the game without
interruption, and Sarah would have him place the head of
Mr. Peaslin just between the lips of her pussey, but would
not allow more at present. After spending an hour or two in
this delicious al fresco amusement, they took him round the
park to see the unblushing games that were going on. Soldiers
rogering servant girls, old fellows fumbling little girls, and
no end of the most unblushing indecency on every side; the
fact being that if people, or rather couples, only get into the
Green Park before the gates closed at ten p.m. they might
stop there all night, or could at any time go out by the turn-
stile at the end of Constitution Hill into Grosvenor Place.
The one or two bobbies who patrolled the park seemed to
take no notice, or were easily squared by the girls who used
the place for business, in fact Charlie saw one stalwart guard-
ian of the peace doing a glorious grind on the grass till a
Lifeguardsman came up, and slapping his naked rump as hard
as he could told him he ought to set a better example, which
caused great fun to several who were looking on, especially
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when the soldier challenged the policeman for half-a-crown
to exhibit his p — k against his for that amount, the girl he
was poking to be the judge.
(Continued on page 129)
MEMOIRS OF NELL GWYNN,
THE CELEBRATED MISTRESS
OF CHARLES II
Eleanor Gwynn, or Gwyn, had little or no education. What we
learn of her is, that she was born in a night cellar (State
Poems), sold fish about the streets, rambled from tavern to
tavern, entertaining the company after dinner and supper with
songs, her voice being very agreeable; was next taken into
the house of Madam Ross, a noted courtesan; admitted after-
wards into the Theatre Royal, as early as the year 1667 (see
the drama of the Maiden Queen, and others of Dryden's
plays for ten years successively); was mistress both to Hart
and Lacy, two famous actors, and kept by Buckhurst, whom
Charles II sent on a sleeveless errand to France, in order to
favour his approach to her. From that period she began to
be pretty well known, and is mentioned by Burnet and other
historians.
As this giddy and dissipated creature gave rise to a noble
and most worthy family, one would have nothing desired
against her by way of romance; she had some very good
qualities to contrast against her bad education and vicious
habits.
Without proofs and citations, one can pay but a propor-
tionate regard to many facts reported of her in a pamphlet,
which is certainly well-written; nevertheless many assertions
there clash with accounts better known, and offend against
probability.
It no way appears that Lord Rochester was ever enamoured
of her. Mrs. Barry was his passion, and Mrs. Botel ante-
cedently to Mrs. Barry, at the time when Miss Gwynn trod
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the stage; and the King never seeing her till at a certain noble-
man's house, it is well known that he had seen her uninter-
ruptedly on the stage from 1667 to 1671, and fell in love with
her on her speaking the epilogue of Tyrannical Love, which
seems to have been written by Dryden on purpose. It is
doubtful, too, if she ever played at Dorset Garden.
Nelly was highly favoured by Dryden. For many years he
gave her the most showy and fantastic parts in his comedies.
It looks as if he played her at the monarch for a considerable
time, since, not to mention the epilogue last spoken of, he
wrote on purpose for her an equally whimsical and spirited
prologue, prefixed to Orengzebe. At the other house (viz.,
the Duke's, under Killigrew's patent) Nokes had appeared
in a hat larger than Pistol's, which gave the town wonderful
delight, and supported a bad play by its pure effect (perhaps
Mamamouchi, or The Citizen Turned Gentleman, a comedy by
Ravenscroft). Dryden, piqued at this, caused a hat to be made
the circumference of a hinder coach wheel, and as Nelly was
low of stature, and what the French call "mignon and piqu-
ante," he made her speak under the umbrella of that hat, the
brims thereof being spread out horizontally to their full
extension. The whole theatre was in convulsions of applause;
nay, the very actors giggled, a circumstance none had observed
before. Judge, therefore, what a condition the merriest prince
alive was in at such a conjuncture. He wanted little of being
suffocated with laughter.
In a word, Madam Ellen (as the drama often styles her after
she was declared the King's mistress) had no great turn for
tragedy, nor do we note her in any part of moment but that
of Valeria, in Tyrannical Love, to which Dryden raised her
partly through partiality, and partly as it was necessary for
her to die in that play in order to rise and speak the epilogue.
In comedy she was more excellent; nevertheless she must not
be ranked as an actress with the Quins, Davenports, Marshalls,
Bowtels, Bettertons, and Lees, du siecle d'or de Charles II. But
of what the French call enjou'e she was a perfect mistress — airy,
fantastic, coquet, sprightly, singing, dancing —made for slight,
showy parts, and filling them up, as far as they went most
effectually — witness Florimel in the Maiden Queen, to which
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she spoke the epilogue, Jacinta in the Mock Astrologer, &c.
It is highly probable that Madam Ellen might have made a
more decent figure in life had her birth been fortunate, and
her education good. A seminary like the streets and cellars of
London is infinitely worse than crawling in woods, and con-
versing with savages. We make this remark because she pos-
sessed many good qualities, which no human disadvantages
could quite destroy. She had no avarice —when her power
increased she served all her theatrical friends. She showed
particular gratitude to Dry den; and valued eminent writers,
as Lee, Otway, &c. She was almost the only mistress of the
King who was guilty pi no infidelity towards him, nor did she
relapse after his decease. Endued with natural sagacity and
wit, she made no ill use of them at Court, paid no attention to
ministers, nor ever acted as their creature. Her charities were
remarkable; and, what was singular, she piqued herself on a
regard for the Church of England, contrary to the genius of
the then Court.
Once as she was driving up Ludgate Hill in a superb
coach, some bailiffs were hurrying a clergyman to prison;
she stopped, sent for the persons whom the clergyman
mentioned as attestors to his character, and, finding the
account a just subject for pity, paid his debt instantly, and
procured him a preferment.
She was the most popular of all the King's mistresses, and
most acceptable to the nation.
An eminent goldsmith having on view an expensive service
of plate manufactured for the Duchess of P— as a present
from the King, the crowd of persons, who went to inspect it
out of mere curiosity, threw out a thousand ill wishes against
the Duchess, and wished the silver was melted and poured
down her throat; but said it was ten thousand pities His
Majesty had not bestowed this bounty on Madam Ellen.
Her picture, painted by Lely and others, pronounce her to
be very handsome, though low in stature and red-haired.
There used to be a bust of her to be seen at Bagnigge Wells,
but it was coarsely executed.
At Bagnigge Wells was one of her country houses, and
where the King and the Duke of York frequently visited, and
96


where she frequently entertained them and others with con-
certs, breakfasts, Sec.
THE KNIGHT OF THE
SHOULDER-KNOT AND THE
DAME OF GENTLENESS
A Serving-man who wore gloves in his cap.
In this "o'er true tale" we shall exhibit a character which,
though not by any means so unnatural, will appear to the
curious reader equally singular and extraordinary.
Priscilla Meadows was the daughter and sole heiress of
Anthony Meadows, a rich baronet of Somersetshire, whose
elegant mansion lay in that delightful interval which divides
the cities of Bath and Bristol. Priscilla was what might be
called an epitome of feminine perfection. She was about four
feet four inches in height, slender, and finely proportioned;
her eyes were jetty black, with the deep diamond's water; her
teeth, in the Oriental phrase, were like a flock of sheep newly
washed, and close feeding in the flowery pastures of Jehosha-
phat; the roses of Sharon bloomed upon each cheek, the coral
of Euphrates composed her lips, and the lilies of Lebanon
were diffused over the remainder of her beauteous body. Her
disposition was mild to excess of gentleness, and her delicacy
so refined, that she appeared alarmed and sensitive at the
approach of man.
With all those singularly exquisite endowments, it may
naturally be supposed that our charming little heroine soon
became an object of admiration with the opposite sex; but
such was her effeminate timidity, that it was for a long time
she never would be prevailed upon to encounter the dangers
of matrimony. At length, however, she was persuaded, and
Mr. Henry Ayrtoun, who, though many years older than her-
self, and of a broken constitution, was so far a proficient in
97


love, as to secure her fair hand, and as he, and all the world
hoped, the chaste resident of her soft bosom also.
Having enjoyed a lengthened honeymoon in the country,
the young votaries of Hymen repaired to the capital, were
introduced at St. James's, and commenced a life of that gaiety
and fashion which their fortune and birth entitled them to —
their mansion was the frequent rendezvous of high life, and,
as might be naturally expected in an age of so much gallantry,
the lovely mistress thereof an object of admiration and
love— many sighed in secret, and some few ventured to dis-
close their passion, but in vain; our connubial heroine re-
mained inflexible, and the marriage-vow seemed to bind, not
only her fidelity, but her passions.
In the midst of this metropolitan career an accident oc-
curred, which not only put an end to all its enjoyments, but
commanded an immediate return to Somersetshire. The
venerable father of our heroine being suddenly taken ill, had
closed his accounts with mortality, and the presence of both
the daughter and her husband became indispensable. Many
of the town servants were discharged, but among those
retained, and taken into the country, was a favourite footman,
whose particular avocation it was to attend upon our heroine.
He was one of those tall, handsome, well-made, strong, and
well dressed domestics whom married men commonly (but
with what propriety we do not pretend to say) permit to
attend upon their wives' persons, and who thereby not un-
commonly become great favourites in the families to which
they are appendages.
So it was exactly with our hero, William, whom we have
distinguished by the title, Knight of the Shoulder-knot. Mrs.
Ayrtoun being now, as young married women frequently are,
often indisposed, as often accustomed herself to breakfast in
her own apartment, and now and then, when particularly
indisposed, in bed. Strange and inconsistent as it may appear,
William, the young, the athletic, the masculine William, con-
stantly attended upon those occasions, and the Dame of
Gentleness, whose modesty was proverbial among men of
her own rank, and whose nature seemed to recede from the
approaches of equality, received from his Herculean hands
98


the toast and other necessaries of the first meal. Deborah, my
lady's woman, was, it is true, now and then of the party, but,
being a person of great natural as well as experimental
sagacity, she found that by attending to other avocations she
gave as much if not more satisfaction, and therefore generally
left the ceremony of the breakfast to William.
The old gentleman being properly disposed of in the
country, the grief of our heroine continued to be excessive,
and her constitution growing more critical, she was ordered
to the Bath waters, and by the same Esculapian authority, her
still amorous and fond husband was proscribed from the soft
enjoyment of her bed and person, a proscription which, how-
ever painful, was agreed to; her health took place of every
other consideration, and he flattered himself that by a moder-
ate abstinence from her embraces she would shortly have
strength sufficient to embrace him with a greater degree of
vigour and transport.
Mr. Ayrtoun's presence in the family at Bath being by this
means not altogether so material, he made frequent excur-
sions to his estate, which was but a few miles westward of Ely,
and here it was that one morning he found a letter lying on
his writing table, with the London post-mark on it, and di-
rected in a vulgar hand, with which he was totally unac-
quainted; having opened it, he read the following words:
"SUR,
"That villin Willim has forsaken a poor young woman,
after robbin hur of hur virginity, and gettin hur with child,
which she is now lying in off, and all for love of his mistress.
"If you watch them in the morning at breakfast, you will
find them out to a sartainty.
"So no more at present, from your Honor's humble servant,
"Some one in the Secret."
Nothing could possibly exceed the surprise excited by this
extraordinary epistle. The slightest suspicion of his wife's
incontinency had never once entered the mind of Mr. Ayrtoun,
but the reverse, he conceived her to be as chaste as Diana, yet,
in one moment the assiduities of William rushed upon him
with ineffable sensibility, and the green-eyed monster with
all his poisons and daggers stood aghast before him. In the
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next, the letter appeared to be the invention of malice, and
his wife's exquisite little form arrayed in the pure robes of
exquisite innocence, stood all chaste and justified before him.
Again he indulged a thousand fleeting terrors. He contem-
plated the probable superior prowess of his rainbow rival,
the opportunities which his own absence afforded a libidinous
woman. He now began to suspect his own abilities, and to
condemn himself for a venture of so disproportionate a
nature. But after a variety of thoughts and suggestions, the
whole were consolidated into curiosity, and he resolved to
make assurance double sure, by being an eye-witness, if
possible, to his wife's strict propriety of conduct.
For this purpose he returned to Bath that very day, and
was received as usual by our modest matron, with apparent
affection, to whom he paid connubial adoration, and for whose
person he more than ever panted. But our heroine, as usual,
declined the amorous conflict, alleging her ill health, and
enforced a respite by the promise of future obedience. Having
spent the day in mutual tenderness, the fond couple now
retired, "each to their downy couch," but not before the
husband declared his intention of going the next morning
again to his country residence, where he said he had engaged
to meet some of his tenants upon special business.
The house which this fond couple occupied in Bath was at
the corner of a street, and had two doors, besides a third
which led through a stable. Of this door Mr. Ayrtoun always
kept a key, as he very frequently rode out and in and put up
his horse without trouble. It was a whim, not to be sure very
common among men of large fortune, but as such it pleased
him, and he indulged his humour.
In the morning early, and after a night of very indifferent
rest, he arose, took his horse as usual, and rode about a mile
towards his country seat, when pretending some occasion to
return he stopped at a small inn, and leaving his palfrey there,
walked back without observation. It was still little more than
the gray dawn, when letting himself in at the second door, of
which he had also secured the key, he ascended softly by a
back staircase to the door of his wife's apartment, which,
through a delicate apprehension of fire, was never more than
100


shut by the common slip bolt. He listened attentively, and
finding all profoundly silent stole gently under the bed, and
there became a stationary of little more than curiosity. Had
he been discovered, the plan was to affect an amorous im-
patience, and to force his gentle wife into a compliance with
his wishes; but having escaped detection, he lay perdu as a
post, and waited the event with as much patience as his
philosophy could afford him.
Two tedious hours elapsed before our heroine expressed any
symptoms of awaking, but at length a gentle tremulous sigh an-
nounced returning animation. The bell was rung, and Deborah,
who slept in a small ante-chamber, soon attended the summons.
"Dear Deborah," cried our heroine, "I am very thirsty, pray
let me have breakfast as soon as possible, I don't think I shall
rise for some time, but order the tea immediately."
"Yes, Madam," responded Deborah, who fidgeted out of
the room with all possible dispatch.
In about ten minutes after William, with tea urn and lamp,
made his appearance. And now the spirit of curiosity ascended
to the regions of solicitude! And now William having dis-
posed of the urn approached the bed! And now solicitude was
transformed to distraction. The curtains were rudely drawn,
and William throwing his lusty body over that of his little
gentle mistress, proceeded to such a volley of well-timed
smacks, as penetrated the very soul and vitals of our enraged
and astonished cornuto.
William having made his preparatory discourse, arose, and
began to prepare for the work itself. But our heroine, having
now some real respect to modesty, begged he would refrain
until he returned with the tea things, and had seen that
Deborah was about her business in the laundry. This after
a few more hearty kisses was complied with, and an horrible
interval of at least ten minutes more succeeded.
During this period our heroine started from the bed with
all the agility of sound health and spirits, performed a certain
morning ceremony, which she probably thought would add
to her expectant joys, and having adjusted her head-dress at
the glass sprang into bed again with the same sprightliness
and vigour with which she quitted it.
101


William now returned, and after locking the door for fear,
as he said, of accident, proceeded to uncommode himself of
every atom that might impede the fullness of his joys. In
short, he stood like a naked gladiator, furnished with such
weapons as were sufficient to terrify even the sister or the
wife of Caesar.
Thus prepared for action, he next proceeded to throw off all
the bedclothes, and then assuming the seat of bliss gave such
wonderful proofs of manhood, as began already to plead in
some degree for female infirmity.
Poor Ayrtoun could now no longer resist a strong temp-
tation to behold the combat, and, therefore, raising himself
up at the bottom of the bedstead, took a full view of what
was passing, heard all the "sighings" and "oh's!" the "dyings"
and "ah's!" and in short, was witness to such a scene as
gave him but a melancholy picture of his own claims upon
womanhood.
It may appear a little extraordinary, but certain it is, that,
having attended the finale of this rencontre, our mortified
husband shrunk into his shell once more, and remained there
until his powerful and puissant rival retired from his panting
matron, and until she arose and left the apartment; when
watching a proper opportunity he again stole from the house,
and in the afternoon returned agreeable to promise.
To most men this systematic forbearance will seem im-
probable, yet, certain it is, that Ayrtoun went through the
whole probation with the fortitude described, and actually
dined and drank wine with his wife before he disclosed his
discovery, which, however, he at length did in such a complete
manner as to leave her no room of doubting her detection.
Upon being thus discovered and upbraided, instead of
whining and begging forgiveness, our little heroine, with a
degree of candour not usually met with in the sex, honestly
confessed her frailty, which she avowed was irresistible. She
declared above board that Ayrtoun never did much more than
raise passions which he could not sufficiently gratify, and that,
however the world might condemn or censure her upon the
matter being disclosed, he only was to blame, for that if he
102


had been what he ought to be, she would have remained
virtuous.
If this declaration was vexatious, it was at the same time,
as before observed, honest. Ayrtoun from demonstration
could not deny the charge; and, therefore, making allowances
for all things, he agreed to let the matter not only remain a
secret, but to indulge his wife in a continuance of her amour,
upon two conditions — first, that she would allow him to be a
constant witness to her pleasures; and, second, that in succes-
sion to her more favourite lover she would as constantly
consent to his less vigorous caresses. And the fact is, that to
this day the scene, unknown to any but the three performers,
is carried on without intermission.
Deborah fortunately took her flight to Kingdom-come, and
the young woman in the "straw," who from jealousy wrote
the anonymous letter, has gone into Scotland, of which
country she was a native, and where for her own sake she
will be silent upon a subject which she could only have
known from an intimacy that involved her own shame, namely,
from William, him who at that time boasted from vanity what
he now from interest conceals.
THE HOBGOBLIN
A young man lately in our town,
He went to bed one night,
He had no sooner laid him down,
But was troubled with a sprite;
So vigorously the spirit stood,
Let him do what he can,
Sure then, he said,
It must be laid,
By woman, not by man.
A handsome maid did undertake,
And into the bed she leap'd;
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And to allay the spirit's power,
Full close to him she crept;
She having such a guardian care
Her office to discharge,
She open'd wide her conjuring book,
And laid her leaves at large.
Her office she did well perform,
Within a little space;
Then up she rose, and down he lay,
And durst not show his face.
She took her leave, and away she went,
When she had done the deed;
Saying, "If it chance to come again,
Then send for me with speed."
EPIGRAM
The sovereign Midas, once 'tis said of old,
Whate'er he touch'd, could instant change to gold;
Now German Monarchs view their legions dead,
And boast their art to draw their gold from lead.
ECCENTRICITIES
The Duke de R— saw a beautiful girl at a ball at Paris, he
sent his aide-de-camp to tell her he would give her fifty
guineas for a single hair beneath her eyebrows (meaning her
eyelashes, it is presumed). The girl sent her compliments to
the Duke, and gave him to understand that she was not a retail
merchant, but if his Grace chose to purchase the whole at that
price, they were at his service.
Not long ago, a very worthy curate, asking for a living, and
as simple as need be, finding that a neighbouring living was
vacant, wrote to a gentleman who he thought could forward
104


his pretensions. As his wife was going into that part of the
country, he entrusted the letter to her care. The letter was in
these words:
"Most worthy Sir,
"Through the 'channel of my wife,' I entreat your
endeavour to oblige me. The living of------is become vacant,
and if you could put me in, I should, God willing, never forget
the obligation. My wife will return in two days, and any good
wishes and endeavours to serve me, may be communicated, by
the blessing of Providence, through her means. I am, &c."
The following answer came back:
"Dear Sir,
"Your wife having 'laid before me' the whole matter of
your request, I am sorry to tell you the 'thing is filled up'; you
cannot be more sorry than I am on this disappointment; but
you may depend on it, should another 'opening' present itself,
I will 'stand' your friend, & Your's, &c."
A noble lord, lately married, was observed to bestow more
time and attention in examining his bride's estate than might
have been expected on his wedding day; but it was natural,
that on entering into possession, he should be desirous of
surveying the premises.
As the Duke of Sully was going one morning into the cham-
ber of Harry the Fourth of France, he met a lady whom he
knew to have been with him on a private account. When
Sully came, the King began to complain in a mournful tone,
"Ah, Sully! I have had a fever upon me all this morning, it has
but just left me." "I know it, sire," says Sully, "for I met it
going away all in green!"
Lady Archer, driving through Pall Mall, exclaimed to her
coachman, "Why, John, I cannot make this horse answer the
whip." "Tickle him under the a-----e, and please your lady-
ship," replied honest John, "and you will be sure to make
him feel."
105


PITTY PAT
Pitty pat, pitty pat, went my heart,
When Damon first his suit preferr'd,
He squeez'd my hand, nor would he part
Till all his tender tales I heard —
Those tales were so pleasing,
I could not but hear,
And still he kept squeezing,
And call'd me his dear!
His little dear, his pretty dear, his sweetest
dearest dear!
Pitty pat, pitty pat, went my heart,
When first he rudely stole a kiss,
"Oh, fie! you naughty man, depart,"
"Indeed, I won't, my dearest Miss,"
He kiss'd, and he told me
His love was sincere,
And still did he hold me,
And calFd me his dear!
His little dear, his pretty dear, his sweetest
dearest dear!
Pitty pat, pitty pat, went still more
My heart, when daddy found us out;
Dad frown'd, and many an oath he swore,
Pray, Hussey, what are you about?
But Damon held tighter,
And bid me not fear;
"How can you, sir, fright her,
"You see she's my dear,
"My little dear, my pretty dear, my sweetest
dearest dear!"
Pitty pat, pitty pat, trudg'd away
We to the man in black and white;
My heart went pitty pat all day,
But still more pitty pat at night —
106


For Damon to show me
His love was sincere,
Refus'd to let go me,
And call'd me his dear,
His little dear, his pretty dear, his sweetest
dearest dear!
MY FRENCH FRIEND: A STORY
OF MISPLACED CONFIDENCE
It was Goldsmith, the simple-hearted, that uttered the words,
"what is friendship but a name." I think the story I shall relate
will justify the bitterness of the sentence. I was sent to Paris
on business, and there in the course of my commercial
transactions made the acquaintance of Monsieur Julien, a
round, good-humoured little Frenchman, with a charming
vivacious little wife, several years his junior. They seemed a
happy little couple, and I enjoyed many pleasant hours in
their pretty Parisian suburban residence. Two things I re-
gretted—one that my imperfect French and my French
friends' imperfect English made our conversation somewhat
limited. Another thing was the absence of my friend John-
son—the jolliest pal a fellow could have in a trip to France.
He it was who in a former visit taught me to learn French
from what he called the living grammar. I conjugated the
nouns, and learned the tenses under his advice with one of the
prettiest little cocottes that could be found in the Quartier
Latin. My devotion to the study was intense. It was "I
cuddle, you cuddle, we cuddle," from night till morning; and
I can say fairly that we "spent" in teaching each other our
respective languages no little energy; Johnson was indeed a
jolly fellow. He would knock down a gendarme, bilk a cocher
or a garcon, and rumple the linen of a laundress with equal
equanimity. He raised so many bellies in the gay capital that
the registrar of births had to increase their staff, owing to the
way he had exercised his; and he infused so much English
107


life into French female nature that he might fairly claim to
have brought about international relations.
A great traveller was Johnson, and I remember one night
when he came home more than muddled, in fact positively
tight, he sat by his bedside, and looking at his manly pego,
which stood up and stared him saucily in the face, he thus
apostrophized it: "My flow trav'ler, you served me a sorry
trick, just because I was tight; is that any reason you sh'd'nt do
your duty? Havn't you tasted the choice juice of Jew and
Gentile? Havn't you revelled between the thighs of the lovely
Circassian; penetrated the busy forest of a moustachioed
Spanish woman; parted the fair curls of a German frau;
touched the cold clammy interior of a New Orleans negress;
penetrated the musk-smelling secret corner of a Mandarin's
wife; and drove home to the vitals of a Scotch fish wife?
And now to-night when you had a nice little bit of French stuff,
warm as toast, soft as a new kid glove, sweet as one of Madam
Finette's bon-bons, you turn up your nose, or rather you don't
turn up at all, but sulk like an infernal school gal over her
bread and butter. Confound you, sir; serve me another trick
like that and I'll ram you up to the hilt in the tight, brown, and
unsavoury port hole of the Concierge."
This is a digression, but I only introduce it to show what a
jolly fellow Johnson was, how sorry I was that he, an accom-
plished French scholar also, did not share with me the charm-
ing company of Monsieur and Madame Julien.
During my stay with the Juliens I could not help noticing
that Madame was somewhat free in her manner, and I fancied
that once or twice she gave me a look which seemed to indi-
cate that she would like to see if English "ros bif" enabled me
to do her the justice which I fear her elder and somewhat
corpulent partner denied her.
I, however, took no advantage of her half invitations. I
already had a mistress in Ninette, the daughter of my con-
cierge, a pretty little morsel, ripe and melting as a plum,
acquiescent and charming, ready to make the beast with two
backs, to play the game of 69, to exercise the delicate manipu-
lation of her soft fingers, or do the lolly-pop trick with her
ripe lips at a moment's notice.
108


After seeing the sights of Paris, and spending a very
pleasant time, I at last left, gave Ninette a parting canoodle,
which was intended to comfort her, but no doubt made her
regret my absence more keenly, and then I bade good-bye to
the Juliens, inviting them to come and see me at the time of
the Exhibition, when they meant to come to London, and I
asked them to put up with me at my pleasant though modest
lodgings in the Brompton Road. With many presses of the
hand, with tears and embraces, I parted from my French
friends, and came to London, looking happily forward to the
time when I should see them again.
To a busy man, time soon slips by and before I had found
a suitable successor to my pretty Ninette, the Exhibition came
on, and the Juliens were in London.
By an evil fate and peculiar circumstances I could not
accommodate them, but my friend Johnson, the accomplished
French scholar, was introduced. With that ready wit which
marked all his doings, he found them a pretty and cheap place,
and there he was a constant visitor, teaching the Frenchman
English and duly chaperoning them over the sights of London.
Business is a hard task master, it called me from London,
and I had to go to Coventry. There, unlike Mr. Tennyson, I
did not hang with grooms and porters on the bridge, but I
made up to my little dark-eyed chambermaid, and hung onto
her with all the tenacity I was capable of.
How I first got hold of this little demoiselle is a story
worth telling. When the little charmer showed me to my
room, I could not help noticing the neat turn of her pretty
ankle as she tripped up the stairs before me. I saw also that
she did not particularly mind showing it. This fired me. I
could feel a certain important in function, and not insignifi-
cant in size, part of my anatomy grow stiff, and poke up its
saucy head, as if it sniffed the tussle not very far off.
Arriving in the bed-room it did not take me long to enter
into a conversation about Coventry, that led to Lady Godiva,
and I asked what Peeping Tom expected to see? Gradually
and skilfully I conducted the discourse until, to cut matters
short, I was enjoying a gentle amble on a steed that would
not have suffered in comparison with gentle Godiva herself.
109


I brought this gentle amble to a full stop in due time and
dismounted, but not until I had revelled in the bliss of as
delightful a canoodle as a man could have. "Send a fellow to
Coventry" means generally something unpleasant; send me to
Coventry again, and if I don't have another bit of exercise,
if I don't again put pego in excelsis, and lubricate Miss Patty's
canoodler with love's essence, may my most particular and
intimate acquaintance, Master Pego himself, forget his cun-
ning and his shadow grow considerably less.
On my return I thought of my old friend Julien, and walked
in the direction of his house, anticipating a pleasant time with
him, Madame, and my friend Johnson. As I neared the house
who should I meet but Julien himself. Heavens what a change!
The dapper little man looked pale, shrunken, unshaved, and
shabby. His eye had lost its brightness, he looked as if he had
been on a booze. He trembled and looked as used up as a
man who had spent a week in the tender arms of a Billings-
gate fishwife.
"My dear friend," said I, "how are you? How is Madam?
How is Johnson?"
"Sucre — dam Madame; dam Johnson. Perfide" was his
savage return. "Pardon, my fren, I have a story to tell you, but
we cannot talk here. Come, there is a cafe, let us go, and as
Shakespeare says, 'unfold my tale.'"
We went into the cafe, I called for some refreshment, and
poor old Julien unfolded his tale.
"Ven you left me, my fren," said he, "I was ver sorry; I
could not myself contain. I shed von two dear tear, but Ma-
dame she try and comfort me, and Johnson, sacref perfide! he
made me vot you call jolly! We mix punch so dat I sip it and
tink it a trink for de gods. He tell de funny story until I larf
like one dam fool, and he tell de story vot you call smutty
until I blush, but I larf and my member him stand like so
much as bring back de days of my youthfulness. Madam love
his company, ve have pleasant time altogether, he chaperon
us to every place where ve get amusement, and all go happy
and merry as you say as de bells of one marriage. Den, sacrel
I get a letter from Paris; it tell me there is some pisiness of
importance. I must go to Boulogne to see my agent, or I have
110


one great loss. I feel my heart preak, but I must go. I said to
myself I vill not take my vife avay just as she enjoy herself. I
go; I settle my pisiness, I soon come pack, and in the meantime
I leave my friend Johnson to amuse my vife. I have all trust; I
have no fear; I have in my eyes no green; no jealousy, no sus-
picion. I bid my vife goot-bye. I tell her I shall not be long. I
go avay and start for Boulogne. In the evening of that same day
I call, before I take the boat, at my London agent, I think vot
you call Hooray. A letter there from my agent tell me that all
is arranged, I need not put an end to my holidays. Joy! I go
home, and I am just going to knock at ze door ven I have what
you call von happy thought. I vill go in through the back gar-
den, catch my vife unawares, and give her von pleasant sur-
prise. I go in, I reach the parlour, my vife not there; I go to the
drawing room, my vife not there. I feel the tear come in my
eye. Poor ting, I say. She so upset at my going away, she be
overcome and go to her room. I go quietly to my room, and I
knock at the door, you English are more rude, you would enter
your vife's room at once. A Frenchman knows his vife not like
to be caught perhaps doing von P. I hear von funny sound. I
cannot help myself, I look through the keyhole. Sacrel I see
Monsieur Johnson there on the bed, top of Madame Julien! I
vait. Sacrel I look again. I see Madame Julien top of Monsieur
Johnson! At last I shout —you perfide Anglais. Come here;
open the door; unlock the door. Sacrel 1 vill have your blood.
He no open the door. I look again, and that dam rascal Mon-
sieur Johnson he come to the keyhole and pees in my eye!"
No need to tell the rest of the story. Johnson and Madame
Julien no doubt had many a St. George after that. The old boy
behaved generously to his unfaithful spouse, but he never saw
her again.
Poor Johnson he is dead now. His life was a short and a merry
one. He wrote a letter expressing his regret for his breach 6f
hospitality. His flesh was weak, and I think his heart was in the
right place though his pego was too often in the wrong hole.
Ill


ECCENTRICITY
A lady advertises herself as an agreeable companion, and gal-
lantly invites any gentleman of honour and liberality to share
her society, where she says, he will find himself in a very
pleasing and "centrical" situation!
ADVENTURES AND AMOURS
OF A BARMAID
A SERIES OF FACTS
(Continued from page 61)
London was not speedily reached in those days, and singularly
fortunate were the individuals who could gain the metropolis
without some little adventure. It was not the lucky fate of our
heroine to miss a little affair which served at least to break the
monotony of the journey. Soon after the incident related in
our last chapter a party of gypsies were encountered, who en-
camped by the road side, presented a most picturesque ap-
pearance. Over sparkling fires pots were hung, and anyone
near enough could sniff the fragrant flavour which rose from
them, none the less grateful to the olfactory organ because
the chickens which were cooking were stolen.
"Of all things in the world," said Polly, "I have dearly
longed to spend a night in a gypsy camp."
"Don't talk of spending," said her companion; "it brings to
my mind too keenly my disappointment. But it is a strange
whim of yours, and stranger still that I have for years enter-
tained the same notion. It shall be done! Gypsies are strange
people, there may be some fun to be had with them. I don't
know about stopping the night. We will at least make their
acquaintance."
It has already been stated that our fair heroine and the
barrister were the only occupants of the coach, no other
passengers then could be inconvenienced by delay. A present
to the coachman and post-boy soon overcame their scruples;
their ready wit could easily invent some lie to account for the
112


delay to their masters, and so the matter was quickly arranged;
the coach was stopped, and young Capias (for so our barrister
was called) and Polly approached the gypsies.
For a moment the natural timidity of her sex made Polly
shrink from the swarthy figures they were approaching, the
next moment she was reassured, for a young girl, with eyes
black as night, hair dark and glossy as a raven's wing, and a
scarlet shawl showing off her lithe figure, approached her.
"Tell your fortune, fair lady?" said she. "Can the gorjio
lady stop to have her fortune read; the gypsy girl will tell
truly what the stars foretell."
"You have just hit it, my girl," said Capias; "tell the lady her
fortune. Show us into one of your tents, and as bright a guinea
as ever carried King George's head shall be yours."
Thrusting aside the curtain of a tent, Mildred, the dark-
eyed girl, led them into the interior. A great fire smouldered
in the centre, the air of the tent was warmed and even per-
fumed by its smoke. A bed of heath and soft moss was in one
corner of the tent, and being spread over with a rich scarlet
shawl, it looked a couch which a gipsey queen would not
disdain to employ as the scene of a sacrifice to Priapus.
Needless to repeat the pretty phrases which Mildred
poured into Polly's willing ears. How she promised her all
sorts of good things in the future, and then, with a meaning
look at Capias, slipped out of the tent, so taking care that
Polly should have a good thing in the present.
Before many minutes had elapsed the coy lady was spread
upon the heath couch, and Capias was duly "entering an
appearance" in a court in which he had not practised before;
but which, as there was no "bar" to his "pleading," he con-
trived to make a very sensible impression. His few "motions"
were rewarded with a verdict of approval; his "attachment"
was pronounced a valid one, and soft caresses, murmured
thanks, and close endearments rewarded him for his success-
ful issue into the "court of love."
It did not take long to remove from their flushed cheeks
and disordered dress the evidence of the encounter, and
Polly and Capias issued into the open air to meet Mildred and
reward her for her considerate attention.
113


The sounds of singing and revelry from a large tent well lit
next attracted our lawyer's attention, and thereto he went.
Around a large fire was seated a group which might well
have employed the brush of Murillo or Rembrandt. The
luscious leer on the faces of the men and women showed how
keenly they were enjoying a highly spiced song of one of the
company; and the right hand of most of the men, being hid in
the folds of the drapery of the women, gave evidence of a
desire to practically realize some of the stanzas.
A bold-looking, bronze-faced youth was singing, and the
following verses give a fair example of his song:
Oh merry it is when the moon is high
To chase the red, red, dear;
And merry it is when no keeper's nigh
To trap and to snare without fear.
But better I ween is a night with my queen,
To lie in the arms of my love;
And to spend my sighs on those breasts I prize,
For a joy all others above.
Then here's to the thing that each woman doth wear,
Though we cover it up with our hand;
Its forest is hair, but still I swear,
'Tis better than acres of land.
I've sipped red wine from a golden cup,
I've handled the guineas bright,
But a sweeter draught from my Chloe I'll sup,
Her eyes give a brighter light.
Fd sooner taste the nectar sweet,
That flows from her ripe red------
Than I'd put to my lip the beaker's tip,
Though with Burgundy filled to the brim.
Then while I've a soul I'll go for that hole,
It gives me the greatest joy;
My pulses beat with a fevered heat
Whilst I my jock employ.
114


And when I'm dead lay under my head
A tuft of her fragrant hair,
In the silent land it will make me stand
As if my love were there.
Then shout and sing for that glorious thing,
That each one loves so well;
Keep me out of my meat, then heaven's no treat,
I'd rather have Chloe in hell.
Capias listened, so did Polly, with mixed feelings to this
very irreverent song, but the night was wearing on, and they
had some thought of the long journey before them.
Mildred approached Capias with a smile, and said —"The
gorjio gentleman will not stop long in the gypsy's tent. Only
let the gentleman be generous, and Mildred will show him
and the lady a rare sight."
Capias was generous, and Mildred quietly led the way to
a tent some little distance off.
"Step lightly," said she. "There are two of our people;
they have eaten bread and salt to-day —they are now man
and wife. Would you like to see the joys of their wedding
night?"
Of course an affirmative answer was soon given, and
Capias and Polly were led to a hole in the canvas wall, and
witnessed the following curious scene.
(Continued on page 158)
A priest who should have read "the devil was a liar from
the beginning," read "the devil was a lawyer from the be-
ginning."
115


VOLUPTUOUS CONFESSIONS
OF A FRENCH LADY
OF FASHION
[Translated from the French.}
PART I
The chateau of my grandfather was situated near the city
of .------ in a delightful country; the park, shaded by fine
scattered trees, mostly splendid oaks, or chestnuts, was of
great extent and enclosed by walls. The grounds immediately
round the house itself being laid out in splendid parterres of
the finest flowers, and watered by a little river which tra-
versed a magnificent piece of water, and was lost in the
country by capacious meanderings.
My old grandmother, mostly confined to the house, never
went much further than the beautiful lake. As to myself my
greatest happiness was to wander alone in the most unculti-
vated parts of the demesne, and in the most retired parts of
the park indulge in the reveries of my sixteenth year. These
reveries, I ought to confess were always of the same nature;
a strange feeling invaded my soul, my young imagination
revelled in unknown regions, and presented before my eyes
images of tenderness and devotion, in which a young man was
always the hero; although profoundly ignorant as to the
difference of the sexes, my already awakened feelings moved
the whole of my organism, a secret fire circulated in my veins;
often a dimness came over my eyes, my limbs trembled, and
I was obliged to sit down, a prey to a weakness which com-
bined both pleasure and pain.
It was the month of June, the weather was magnificent, my
walks were mostly in the morning when I was sure to be alone.
We received a letter from Madame T., my aunt, who replying
to my grandmother's invitation announced her speedy arrival.
Madame T. was about twenty-four or twenty-five, and had
been married at the age of twenty to an old man who had left
her a widow two years since, mistress of a great fortune, and
without children. She was a delightful person, her hair black
116


as ebony, contrasted with the whiteness of her complexion,
which was lighted up by her beautiful deep blue eyes. Her
mouth, small and pleasing, set off by adorable teeth, as white
as the purest ivory, an imperceptible black down shaded her
upper lip, giving her a peculiar expression, which, however,
had nothing hard or masculine about it; her medium figure,
perfectly formed and graceful, with hands and feet of fasci-
nating petitesse; she dressed with taste and elegance.
I loved her very much. Her lively and playful disposition
had long captivated me. Accustomed to live with my grand-
mother, whose age prevented her from affording me any
amusement, deprived of companions, I was very happy at the
arrival of a relation who would be a friend to me.
A project of marriage had been spoken of between my
aunt and Monsieur B., which my grandmother approving, she
wrote at once to him, with an invitation to pass some time at
the chateau, and in consequence he arrived a few days after
my aunt.
What I am going to relate now is very delicate and difficult.
I have hesitated a long time! But after all nobody will read it, I
hope so, these lines are for my own perusal. The pictures
which I am going to draw are very lively, but they will be true.
What lovers —real lovers, who in each other's arms have not
experienced the same? I will add that, even now I am past
kissing, I feel a veritable pleasure in recalling the soft en-
joyment.
One morning very early, according to my custom, I had
gone a long way in the park and sat down at the foot of a tree
plunged in my usual reveries.
I saw my aunt, who I thought in bed, some distance
off, evidently coming to the little eminence where I was;
she was dressed in a fresh peignoir of white and blue.
Monsieur B. was with her, dressed in a suit of nankin
and a straw hat, they seemed to be having a lively conversa-
tion.
I do not know what secret instinct impelled me to avoid
their presence; I hid behind a big tree which completely
shielded me from their sight.
They soon arrived at the spot which I had just quitted, and
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stopping for a moment Monsieur B. looked all around, and
convinced that at this hour no one could see them, threw his
arms around my aunt, and drawing her to him pressed her to
his heart, their lips so joined that I heard a long kiss, which
struck to the bottom of my heart.
"My dear Bertha" (that was the name of my aunt); "my
angel; my sweet darling! I love you; I adore you. What a
frightful time I have passed without you; but soon it will be
over! Stop, that I may embrace you again! Give me your
beautiful eyes! your lovely teeth! your divine neck! How I
could eat them!" he exclaimed.
My aunt, far from resisting, gave herself up to him, re-
turned kiss for kiss, caress for caress. Her colour heightened;
her eyes sparkled.
"My Alfred," said she, "I love but you. I am all yours."
One may judge the effect such caresses had upon me. My
temperament lighted up as if struck by an electric spark; I was
one moment as if paralysed, and lost almost the use of my
senses. I recovered myself, however, promptly, and continued
to be all eyes and ears. Monsieur Alfred wanted something
which I did not understand, and seemed to insist on it.
"No, no, my love," replied Bertha. "Oh, no! not here, I
pray you; my God, I never dare! If anyone should surprise us,
I should die!"
"My dear, who can see us at this hour?"
"I don't know; but I'm afraid! Stop, you see I couldn't; I
should have no pleasure. We will seek a way of doing it; have
patience, I beg."
"How do you speak of patience in the state I am in! Give
me your little hand; feel him yourself!"
He then took the hand of my aunt, and placed it in such a
curious place, that it was impossible for me to understand
the cause. But it was worse when I saw this hand disappear
in a certain slit, which she had presently unbuttoned, she
seized an object which I could not see.
"Dear Mimi," said she, "I see very well how much you
want me. How beautiful you are, and I should like it so. If we
had only some retreat, I would soon put you to the proof."
And her little hand moved softly, to the great apparent
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pleasure of Monsieur B., who, immovably erect, his leg a little
open, seemed most profoundly pleased —a moment of silence.
"Ah!" suddenly exclaimed my aunt, "what an idea! Come,
I recollect, there is near here a pavilion of necessity, you
know. It is a curious place for our love, but no one will see
us, and I can be all yours, come."
I must explain that the pavilion of which my aunt spoke
was intended for us poor humanity, it was constructed like
a thatched cottage, and properly appointed in the interior.
Protected by some high brambles, I could approach them
without fear of being seen. This I did with infinite precau-
tions, and got to the back of the pavilion at the moment when
Bertha had already entered, and Monsieur B., after looking
all around also came in and drew the bolt. I sought out a
convenient peep hole, and soon found one, as the planks
and beams were badly joined, sufficiently large to enable me
to see everything. I applied my eye, as I held my breath, and
was witness of what I am going to relate.
Bertha, hanging on the neck of Monsieur B., devoured him
with kisses.
"Come," she said, "my darling, I was very unhappy to refuse
you, but I was afraid. Here, at least, I am assured. This beauti-
ful Mimi, what pleasure I am going to give him. Hold, I
come already in thinking of it! But how shall we place
ourselves?"
"All right; but first let me see again my dear Bibi, it is such a
long time I have wanted her."
You may guess what my thoughts were at this moment. But
what were they going to do? I was not left long in suspense.
Monsieur B., going down on one knee, raised the skirts
of Bertha. What charms he exposed! Under that fine cambric
chemise were legs worthy of Venus, encased in silk stockings,
secured above the knee by garters of the colour of fire; then
two adorable thighs, white, round, and firm, which rejoined
above, surmounted by a fleece of black and lustrous curls,
the abundance and length of which were a great surprise to
me, compared above all to the light chestnut moss which com-
menced to cover the same part in myself.
"How I love it," said Alfred. "How beautiful and fresh it
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is! Open yourself a little, my angel, that I may kiss those
adorable lips!"
Bertha did as he demanded; her thighs, in opening, made
me see a rosy slit, upon which her lover glued his lips. Bertha
seemed in ecstasy! Shutting her eyes, and speaking broken
words; making a forward movement in response to this
curious caress, which transported her so.
"Ah, you kill me ... encore! ... go on! It's coming ... I
... I.. . I'm coming! ... Ah, ah!"
What was she doing? Good God! I had never supposed
that any pleasure pertained to that part. Yet, however, I
began to feel myself in the same spot some particular titilla-
tions, which made my understand it.
Alfred got up, supporting Bertha, who appeared to have
lost all strength; but she soon recovered herself, and embraced
him with ardour.
"Come, now, let me put him in," she said. "But how are we
going to do it?"
"Turn yourself, my dear, and incline over this unworthy
seat; let me do it."
Then, to my great surprise, Bertha, by rapid and excited
movements, herself undid the trousers of Alfred, and lifting
his shirt above his navel she exposed to my view such an
extraordinary object, that I was almost surprised into a
scream. What could be this unknown member, the head of
which was so rosy and exalted, its length and thickness
giving me a vertigo?
Bertha evidently did not share my fears, for she took this
frightful instrument in her hand, caressed it a moment, and
said —"Let us begin, Monsieur Mimi, come into your little
companion, and be sure not to go away too soon."
She lifted up her clothes behind and exposed to the light
of day two globes of dazzling whiteness, separated by a crack
of which I could only see a slight trace; she then inclined
herself, and, placing her hands on the wooden seat, presented
her adorable bottom to her lover.
Alfred just behind her took his enormous instrument in
hand, and wetting it with a little saliva commenced to intro-
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duce it between the two lips which I had perceived. Bertha
did not flinch, and opened as much as possible the part which
she presented, which seemed to open itself, and at length
absorbed this long and thick machine, which appeared mon-
strous to me; however, it penetrated so well that it disappeared
entirely, and the belly of its happy possessor came to be glued
to the buttocks of my aunt.
There was then a conjunction of combined movements,
followed by broken words —"Ah! ... I feel him ... He is
getting into me," said Bertha. "Push it all well into me ...
softly ... let me come first. Ah! ... I feel it... I'm coming!
Quicker! I come ... stop ... there you are! I die ... I...
I... Ah!"
As to Alfred, his eyes half closed, his hands holding the
hips of my aunt, he seemed inexpressibly happy.
"Hold," said he, "my angel, my all, ah! How fine it is!
Push well! Do come! ... there; it's coming, is it not! Go on ...
go on ... I feel you're coming... push well, my darling!"
Both stopped a moment; my aunt appeared exhausted,
but did not change her position; at length she lightly turned
her head to give her lover a kiss, saying —"Now, both to-
gether! You let me know when you are ready."
The scene recommenced. At the end of some instants,
Alfred, in turn, cried out —"Ah! ... I feel it coming... are
you ready, my love? Yes ... yes ... there I am ... push,
again ... go on ... I spend ... I am yours. I... I... Ah!
What a pleasure ... I ... sp— ... I spend!"
A long silence followed; Alfred seemed to have lost his
strength, and ready to fall over Bertha, who was obliged to put
her arms straight to bear him. Alfred recovered himself,
and I again saw that marvellous instrument coming out of
the crack, where he had been so well treated. But how
changed he was. His size diminished to half, red and damp,
and I saw something like a white and viscous pearl come from
it and drop to the floor.
Alfred began to put his clothes in order; during which my
aunt, who had got up, put her arms round the neck of her
lover, and covered him with kisses.
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What had I been doing during this time? My imagination,
excited to the highest degree, made me repeat one part of
the pleasures which transported my actors.
At the critical moment I lifted petticoat and chemise, and
my inexperienced hand contented itself by exploring that
tender part. I thus assured myself that I was made the same
as Bertha, but I knew not yet what use or consolation that
hand could give. This very morning was to enlighten me.
After plenty of kissing, Bertha said to Monsieur B.—
"Listen, my dear, I have been thinking. You know that my
apartment is quite isolated; without my fernme de chambre,
who sleeps in the ante-room, no one could know of our
rendezvous, and we could pass some adorable nights together.
"Under a pretext of wanting something for my toilette, I
will send Julie to Paris to-morrow afternoon, and after the
evening we can join each other. Be on the look out, you can
give me a sign during the day of the hour when you can slip
away to me. I beg you to take the most minute precautions."
It was then decided that Monsieur B. should go first. He
was to take a walk out of the park, and during the time my
aunt would regain her room by the private staircase. Mon-
sieur B. went out, and I remained hidden in my brambles till
he was sufficiently far off not to have any fear of being
perceived by him. Observing that my aunt had not yet come
out, I stopped and looked again. There was in the pavilion
a chamber pot and wash basin; I saw Bertha fill the latter,
lift up her petticoats, and stoop over it. She was placed
right in front of me, and nothing could escape my view.
As she did this her slit opened, it seemed to me a much more
lively carnation, the interior and the edges, even up to the
fleecy mound which surrounded it, seemed inundated with
the same liquour which I had seen come from Monsieur B.
Bertha commenced an ample ablution, and I was going
away from my place as softly as possible when I remained
fixed, glued to the spot. The hand of my aunt, refreshed with
care all the parts which had been so well worked. All at once
I saw her stop still, then a finger fixed upon a little eminence
which showed itself prominently; this finger rubbed lightly
at first, then with a kind of fury. At length Bertha gave the
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same symptoms of pleasure which I had often seen before.
I had seen enough of it! I understood it all! I retired and
made haste to take a long tortuous path, which brought me
to the chateau. My head was on fire, my bosom palpitated,
and my steps tottered, but I was determined at once to play
by myself the last act I had seen, and which required no
partner.
I arrived in my room in a state of madness, threw my hat
on the floor, shut and double locked the door, and put myself
on the bed. I turned up my clothes to the waist, and, recollect-
ing to the minutest details what Bertha had done with her
hand, I placed mine between my legs. Some essays were at
first fruitless, but I found at length the point I searched for.
The rest was easy; I had too well observed to deceive myself.
A delicious sensation seized me; I continued with fury, and
soon fell into such an ecstasy that I lost consciousness.
When I came to myself I was in the same position, my hand
all moistened by an unknown dew.
I sat up quite confused, and it was a long time before I
entirely came to myself. It was nearly the hour of dejeuner,
so I made haste to dress and went down.
My aunt was already in the salon with my grandmother. I
looked at her on entering; she was beautiful and fresh, her
colour in repose, her eyes brilliant, so that one would have
sworn she had just risen from an excellent morning's sleep,
her toilette, in exquisite and simple taste, set off her charm-
ing figure. As to me I cast down my eyes and felt myself
blush.
My grandmother noticed my agitation and told me so. I
replied that I had overslept myself, and contrary to habit had
not taken my morning walk.
My aunt embraced me, and talking of one thing and another
I recovered myself completely.
Monsieur B. came soon, and telling us of an excursion to a
neighbouring village, we sat down to table.
I took care, without being seen, to notice everything which
passed between Monsieur B. and my aunt. I must acknowl-
edge I was disappointed and greatly surprised. Not a look to
show there was anything whatever between them.
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About the middle of the repast my aunt carelessly remarked
to my grandmother —"Dear, good mother, I was so forgetful
on leaving Paris that I have forgotten several indispensible
necessaries. Have I your permission to send my femme de
chamhre to-morrow to fetch them? Do not put anyone out.
I am used to attend to myself, and it will only be a short
absence."
The day passed quietly, Monsieur B. took a long ride on
horseback; we went and sat by the piece of water, amusing
ourselves by needlework; some neighbours came to visit
my grandmother, and she kept them to dinner.
In the evening we had music, and I sang a duet with my
aunt. Although already a good musician, and having a fine
voice, I was not equal to my aunt, who gave me some excellent
lessons in taste and feeling.
Monsieur B. played whist with my grandmother, and was
completely reserved.
I retired about eleven o'clock, and impatient to be alone
with my thoughts, so I went to bed quickly and dismissed
my femme de chambre. I had no doubt that the next evening
would be the time for a serious meeting between Monsieur B.
and my aunt. I burned to assist at the delicious scenes which
would be enacted. I must find out how to be there.
Knowing all the ways of the house, I thought over the plan
of my aunt's apartment. It was situated on the second floor,
the same as mine, but at the opposite extremity. A corridor
gave communication to all the rooms on this floor; Monsieur
B. was also lodged on the same flight, in a turning off the
principal corridor.
My aunt had at her disposition a little room in which a bed
was made up for her femme de chambre, a beautiful bedroom
and a dressing room. I recollected that this cabinet, which
occupied about one-third of the side of the room, used to be
contiguous to an alcove, now closed by a strong partition, I
also remembered a small hole in the upper part of the alcove,
only stopped up by a small and very indifferent oil painting
of a pastoral scene.
A door in an unoccupied room gave access to this kind of
dark closet.
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It was on these recollections I arranged my plan, then went
to sleep, full of resolution and hope for the following day.
Mdlle. Julie started for Paris, as it had been arranged.
Monsieur B. and my aunt were more reserved than ever.
However, I found out what I wanted to know as the day
wore on.
After dinner Monsieur B. leaned negligently on the
mantelpiece, pretending to admire the pendulum of a superb
ormolu clock; he placed his finger for a moment on the figure
XI, then on the figure VI; it was easy to understand that
he intended to say half-past eleven. My aunt responded by
a slight movement of her eyes. I knew then all I wanted, it
only remained then to make my preparations.
When we were seated in the garden Monsieur B. offered
to read to us, which was accepted.
I soon slipped away under some pretext, and, sure of being
unobserved on the second floor, went to the little door of
the dark closet, of which I have spoken.
(Continued on page 138)
The Lady Hobart, everyone being sat at the table to dinner,
and nobody giving a blessing, but gazing one upon another,
in expectation of who should be chaplain —"Well," said my
Lady, "I think I must say as one did in the like case, 'God be
thanked, nobody will say grace.'"
CHOICE LETTER FROM
THE GREEK OF ARISTENETUS
Philomatia to Eumusus
This comes to let you know that we are not so bewitched
to music as you imagine, and that the best lute and guitar in
the world will make but little progress unless it comes at-
tended with the more powerful harmony of money.
Why then do you give yourself and me the unnecessary
trouble of so many serenades? Why must you employ your
125


hands to show the passion of your heart? Why do you perse-
cute me with your sonnets, and sing under my windows?
You are old enough, one would think, to know that money
atones for all defects with us women, and that beauty and
vigour have no merit with us, if they have no gold to recom-
mend them. But you think me an easy, foolish, good-natured
creature, who am to be imposed upon by any wheedling
stories. You fancied, I suppose, that I never had been initiated
into the mysteries of our profession, and that I would im-
mediately surrender to you, upon the first stroke of your
violin, and the first touch of your lute; but to undeceive you,
know that I was bred up under the most experienced mistress
of her time, who formed my tender mind with wholesome
precepts, telling me that nothing under the sun was sincere or
desirable but money, and teaching me to despise everything
but that. Under her instructions, and by her virtuous example,
I have profited so much, that I now measure love, not by
vain empty compliments, that signify nothing, but by the
presents that are made me, and by the almighty rhetoric of
gold, which will stand my friend, when a thousand such
fluttering weathercocks as you have left me in the lurch.
EPIGRAMS
When wedded Nell was brought to bed,
She scream'd and roar'd with pain;
She'd rather die a maid, she said,
Was it to do again.
Pray have a little patience Nell,
And say, why this pother?
Before your marriage you could tell
What 'twas to be a mother.
A tax on women to impose, is surely, sir, a sin,
Why should you try to punish those who never took you in?
126